I’m going to take a career aptitude test sometime in the next week because I don’t feel like I will be happy enough being an actuary.
Maybe this will show me my strengths and weaknesses and I can assess them accordingly.
Last night I was very suicidal. I don’t know what hit me but I really just did not want to live anymore. I even wrote a note. It was so depressing. I went to this one site though and read about some of the reasons why my depression is getting worse or maybe why I feel even worse after each suicide attempt. It’s really interesting how the mind tricks itself into believing something. http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
That’s the site. After you read the ‘five minute calm down’ as I like to call it, it continues on to talk about Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and other things.
That wasn’t a cry for help or anything, I just mainly wanted to share that site with people. It is a really great help. If you are dealing with anyone who is suicidal, send them there if they don’t seem to be listening to you. It has helped me every single time I wanted to end my life.
I went to the clinic here at OSU because I thought something was wrong with my tonsils (turns out they are fine, I just had a build up of something there and she just removed it quickly for me.) and I had to fill out the new patient forms. Well, there were questions about your past history. I had to fill in things like how I was depressed, or how I had a severe case of Necrotizing Fasciitis and I also wrote about how I was bulimic for several months. Though I was never diagnosed or treated, I went through self-recovery. Well, after the doctor assessed my tonsils, she looked through my paperwork. She saw that I wrote about my bulimia and she goes “hm.” I go, “Is there something wrong?” “Yea, it says here you were bulimic, and went through self-recovery?” “That is correct.” “How long ago were you bulimic?” “It started this past Sept. and I started recovery in January.” “I don’t believe that. Are you trying to seek attention?” “No.. why would I admit that I had an eating disorder if I didn’t actually have one?” “Well, you’re just not skinny enough to have an eating disorder.”
Coming from a doctor.
Thanks.
Doesn’t she know that most bulimics are healthy weight?
Whatever. That’s why I hate doctors!
Anyway, I have to get going. I have class here in point two seconds.
I hope everyone has a good day!
Holy Crap, Michelle. I never cease to be amazed by how STUPID some people are! Yikes.
Thanks for posting the website of the place where you got help for your suicidal thoughts. My daughter has struggled with suicidal thoughts as well. Perhaps she will find the site helpful too. I will pass it along to her.
Mrs. B.
Twistsis,Again….thanks for keeping us rolling. I truly hope that you’re having a good day.
Michelle, it’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry about your experience with the doctor. I think that is why some of us have such a hard time being honest about our EDs. If you are not emaciated, people think you can’t possibly have an ED. I’ve never been extremely thin. In fact, I have had 100 lb. fluctuations in my weight, depending on the symptoms I am “acting on”. I have an appointment with a new doctor soon, and I am going to try to be completely honest with her. I guess the reaction I get will help me decide if she is the doctor for me. If I get the same reaction as you, I would not go back to her.
A little story about me being honest. About a year ago I went for a nerve condution test on my elbows and hands. When I was filling out the paper work, it asked about past of present drug use. I admitted that I had smoked pot about eleven years ago. The doctor actually thanked me for being honest about it. I thought it was kind of funny to be thanked for admitting I used drugs of a decade ago. Anyways, I hope you are feeling okay, and have a good day.
Yay new forum!
nothing new really to comment on. except for the fact that i need to learn how to say ‘NO’. once again it has got me into a sticky situation. why am i such a people-pleaser?! bah, this will be a fun one to get out of.
I played hookey from work on Monday. It just makes it even harder for me to go back when I do that. All day long I just think about how much I hate my job. How I wish I could quit my job. How the day will never end and I feel like I’m going to die before the day is over. To make matters worse, I go in today and find out my friend was transfered to a new area and my team leader is getting transfered to a new area on Monday. No one like the team leader we are getting. I’ve never worked with her before, so I’m going to try to give her a chance, it’s just hard to do when so many negative people are around me. I find myself being a very negative person on the days that I work. Sometimes I feel like I am just not a nice person. I feel like working where I have for all these years has made me a mean person.
MissA i am sure you are not a mean person. you seem lovely on here. =] it is kind of hard to stay positive when everyone else around you is being so negative. just try to be the light in the darkness! i have recently become friends with a boy who i was told was a jerk. but i like him, so i dont really care that other people dont.
well, have a wonderful rest of the day and try to stay positive.
Go Bucks lol (am wearing their shirt right now actually) =]
Oh my…I got a letter today and I was beng sued for 5,000 dollars!! from a medical bill. Anorexia is expensive. The bummer is that I was actually paying it but they somehow fucked it up and now I am being sued. lovely. Normally I would be looking for the nearest rope to hang myself, but I decided to go about a little differently this time. (I did leave a nasty, not so nice voicemail on some random woman’s machine at the place). So I made a few calls and then I went and applied for a job. I have no idea if I am ready to work yet (my panic attacks make it hard for me to do so). So I went to this place and only intended to grab an applicationa and because they are so hard up for nurses the next thing I know I am in an interveiw!! Nightmare! Never mind the gaps in my employment history (I decided to lie on this because I dont think it would look good to say “oh…I was in a treatment center”) I was soooooo nervous. And then I said my skills were up to date even though I am not sure if they are!!!
but here’s the thing. Maybe I am just telling myself I am not reay because I am just scared to admit that I am finally and really and truly ok and I am really getting better. (that is hard to do) So the only way I am going to find out is to do it. Just go for it and If I fail it will definately not be the first time!!! for sure…and I will deal with that then. What do I have to lose. nada. absolutely nothing. Except I could lose out on a great joba and meeting new people. I am going to go for it. I think I rocked the interview so hopefully I will get the job. I will be kind of pissed if I dont. seriously.
Guys,
I am really considering the military.
I received a general information packet today and these are the first few sentences.
“There are Americans who aspire to nothing more than personal gain and comfort. But there are also Americans who understand the comforts we enjoy are precious and hard won. These few are of a particular mold that has been cast and recast since our nation was young. They are the ones who recognize the honor in service, and the value of defending every freedom. These few will be leaders others look to, and they will have a hand in securing our way of life for generations to follow. They will be Marine Officers.”
I was inspired.
I know that entire paragraph was all just pretty words to make someone feel inspired, but I really feel like that person they are talking about is me.
I know that you have to fight to gain anything in this world. I know see the honor in serving others, specially my country. I defend everything that I do and realize that we need to continue to defend our freedoms. I realize that our country is free because we fight to keep it this way.
Sarah, Thanks. I was just venting about work. Sometimes I feel like I’m a different person when I am work. I think it is because everyone is so negative. I don’t think there is one person I know that actually likes working there. Part of the problem also is that I am in a lot of pain while I am working. That tends to make me grouchy and mean. It doesn’t help that people tend to think I can’t possibly have the problems I have because I only work part-time.
Shelly, I’m sorry to hear you are getting sued. I hope you can get it straighted out soon. Congratulations on your job interview. I think it is amazing how much insight you have about how your anxiety affects why you do things.
Michelle, I respect all the officers in our military, but I hope you will continue to think about it before you join the Marines.
Nats, I’m sorry you are going through a hard time. Please let us know how you are doing. You are LOVED.
well, back from party. one tonight, one tomorrow. all i can say is oh. my. god.
lol, wow. it was very very ummmm, yeah.
but i am so awake. and excited for party tomorrow! i do not think i will go to bed! even though i am pretty much regreting a couple of things tonight already. kids experiment though i guess, all part of growing up. and there was no food, which i was afraid of. party food is usually like greasy pizza, oreos, and soda. eww. well, i’m going to go do something active, as i cannot sit still! jeez i have not had so much energy in a while!!!
So is this forum ok? Or is there anything anyone want sto see on it etc to make it better?
I came on this morning to find that the forum on mamaVISION has closed, and even though we all knew it was going to happen, it wasn’t nice to see it all bare with nothing on it.
I hope this one will be just as helpful to you all.
TS- forum is just fine! i just hope everyone can find it okay. yes, i was sad to see mv forum gone. but this one is here! so it is all good. thanks for putting it up. =]
you may be tired and numb now, but when you get better and allowed to leave hospital you will feel better! you gotta take it easy for a little while though.
am doing pretty good. still not tired! it is 2:15 in the a.m. (yes the a.m. – which is not weird! lol)
The fact that it is AM there is not weird, whats weird is how you wrote it, you know the “in the am” bit. Why dont you just say its 2:15 am??? lol
Im trying to take it easy babe but its not happening too much stuff is going on and I am needed by people and I cant help them being here! So I want out.
Nats,
whatever, it sounds just fine! lol.
i know it must be hard having to stay there. but you gotta do it! as much as you are needed by other people, you are needed more in the hospital. you have to help yourself first! you need to get better and you deserve that for yourself. stick it out, stay strong, stay in hospital ;]
xxxx
Nats,
Yes, I know. You were the first person there for me when i came to mamaV. and i am sooooo thankful for that! but hun, you can do that and take some time for yourself and for your recovery. you need to get well before you can think about spending all of your time helping others. you have a wonderful heart and that is why you are helping people! but hun, nats deserves time to get better! you need time for YOU. Plus you don;t gotta do it all on your own. There are plenty of wonderful people here who i am sure would be more than willing to talk to someone if they need.
regardless, you still need time for yourself. i am a people-pleaser too. and want to be doing stuff for other people, not me. so i know. but you need to be kind to yourself. mkay love?
no. im ‘feisty’ fifteen lol, remember. that is great that you like to help others. but listen: you need to take care of yourself!!! i will say it a billion times, it is true. well, good night babe
Hello guys!!
im here on the new forum now! thanks so much TS for hosting the new open forum, ur a star babe.
Nats- babes i really hope ur ok hun, ur in my prays darling. let us know how u are wen u can. would love 2 hear from u. xx
Sarah Mic– how are u hun? u doing ok? xxx
I have some big news to tell you all- on monday im allowed to go back to college! the drs think that it could help me with things, help get my confidence back and to help me get used 2 being with a group of people again, this will be the first time being back at college in 7 months- and im so damm scared, the teachers and most of the students there have not seen me for 7 months so they are going to have a shock wen i come back, i think they have been told already but i still scared that they are just going to stare at me- you see i was EDNOS when i first let-sort of on the way to anorexia at that stage and now im anorexic and apparently its really noticible so when i go back to college i am sure im going to have everyone staring at me and asking questions, and thats really not what i want, i just want to be treated normally- this is one of the things that makes me not want to go back college again. the drs said that i would only be able to go back to college on for half days twice a week to begin with- which is going to make it even worse because il have to keep on missing things. i really don’t want to go back, but everyone keeps on saying its going to be good for me…. but i have other thoughts on it….. what do u guys think i should do?
Shelly, I’m still paying on my daughter’s medical bills. It’s tough, isn’t it? You must have a great husband to be patient with the bills. I’m glad my daughter isn’t married yet so that they are not saddled with the debt. We’re almost done finally…just the hospital bills left. The treatment center required everthing to be prepaid.
Sarah, When you go to parties, do try to stay away from substances. Adding those kinds of things make fighting ED harder. My daughter has just pretty much found a new group of friends and is switching colleges to get away from being in those kinds of circles. To be honest she’s really happier.
Lisa, glad to hear you are well enough to go to college, but I’m a little worried for you. Have you missed a lot? Can you catch up? Are you feeling anxious about it? We pulled my daughter completely out of college – she took a medical withdrawal. She’s considering now whether she’ll be ready this summer or better in the fall.
MissA – I really have trouble with negative people. Only problem – the two most negative people I know are my husband and daughter!!! Are there any office jobs at your work? I still worry about your body. It just sounds like everything about your job is hard right now. And I don’t know about you, but when I feel down about anything it saps my energy.
TS – You are da bomb for hosting us. Thank you so much.
Michelle – I don’t know whether the marines are right for you or not – that is your decision. But I will tell you this. The Marines are a very elite group. They will challenge you to your core. I have never met a marine who did not have confidence and quiet strength. I can certainly see why you would want to be a part of something like that. I took a class once in Servant Leadership. They used the marines over and over as an organization that models Servant Leadership.
I’ll do an update soon on my daughter. Things are really going well.
Mrs. B, there are office jobs but you have to go through a temp office. I would have to work full-time and get paid less than half what I make now. I’d also have to find a baby-sitter. My sister watches them now, but I would feel bad about asking her to watch them full-time. Working in the office is something I may look into in the fall. Don’t worry, I’ll be okay.
Michelle, Have you thought about the Peace Corps? I wanted to join the Peace Corp when I was a kid. Sometimes I regret not doing it.
Nats, I hope you are okay. I know you feel the need to help other people, but you will not be any good to others unless you are good to yourself first. I do LOVE you!
Lisa, I’m worried about you going back to college too. At least it will only be two days a week. If you have trouble adjusting, you can always take another medical leave. It could also be very good for you, like the doctor thinks. ED wants you to itself. It doesn’t want you to be around other people. Being around others may be exactly what you need to get better right now. Good Luck! Let us know how it goes.
Mrs-b & Miss A—
yes i have missed a lot of college– about 8 months- im on a 3 year course- im not so sure if i can catch up- im really worried about it all, i dont no if i can face it again, im worried what people will think – and like u said miss a- my ED does want me 2 its self- so im worried my ed will take over me, and do the wrong things at college- if u get what i mean, i mean who is going to want to talk 2 me at college anyway? i may as well be invisble at college- im no good at friendships or socialising anymore, im a social retard really- i prefer to be alone, but i dont want it to be like that, but i see no way how to change. i have like 2 sides to my brain, one side is saying yes go to college it could do me some good- and the other side is really worried about it and saying that people will be trying to make me eat- and people will just think its all my own fault- im afraid that side is winning at the moment- im feeling so low about this all, i want to get better – but anorexia wont let me, i feel as im going to be stuck with anorexia for the rest of my life. i dont want to be used to all of this, i want to be normal again……. but how?
what is medial leave by the way?
Lisa xx
p.s so sorry if im going on too much, i have a tendersey to write to much and go on! so tell me if im going on too much.
Lisa, All that negative stuff is ED talking, you know that right? I would not worry so much about catching up right now. I think you will get the most benefit from it is you work on the social aspect right now. People may try to make you eat and may say stupid things to you. Don’t let it get to you. You have to remember most people do not understand EDs. It makes them uncomfortable. Try not to let it bother you.
Medical leave is when you take time off from school or work for medical reasons. Mrs. B. called it a medical withdrawal.
I don’t think you go on too much, put then again, I often write long posts.
medical bills over here are paid by our health insurance and if you dont have any the government pays for all the bills you just have to go on a waiting list unless its an emergency. is that not the way it is in America?
nats: hun i hope your all right. Will keep you in my thoughts xxx
Lisa: you should not worry about catching up you can always repeat the year again, but making a step like this is good for you as a person, it will help you overcome parts of your ed that it does not want you to i.e socialising. Right now all these thoughts is just your ed talking. Most people who have had no experiences with an ed are ignorant to what its like they think its as easy as just picking up a bar of chocolate and eating it. You shouldnt let these people effect you even though it is going to be hard remember this is a step towards a better future
Shelly: Congrats on the job interview
Sarah: snap am only back today was out last night and the night before and out all day My head hurts a lot prob from the lack of sleep lol
missA: if you dislike your job so much why not change careers?
Aisling, Good paying jobs are hard to find here. Many companies are going over seas and many companies are going out of business. The only reason I stay at my job is because it pays well enough that I can work part-time. It is important to me to be able to spend as much time as possible with my kids. When my youngest starts school in the fall, I plan on finding another job.
I just go back from having my oldest son’s birthday party at the bowling alley. He and his friends had a great time. I didn’t bowl because I did not want to aggravate my shoulder, but I had a good time anyways. Have a good day everyone.
Aisling, Good paying jobs are hard to find here. Many companies are going over seas and many companies are going out of business. The only reason I stay at my job is because it pays well enough that I can work part-time. It is important to me to be able to spend as much time as possible with my kids. When my youngest starts school in the fall, I plan on finding another job.
I just got back from having my oldest son’s birthday party at the bowling alley. He and his friends had a great time. I didn’t bowl because I did not want to aggravate my shoulder, but I had a good time anyways. Have a good day everyone.
Hello Everyone,
Please keep Nats in your prayers, she suffered a heart attack at 9:21 this morning. That is what the people at the hospital told me this morning. She hasn’t woke up yet. They said they would keep me informed and when I hear anything I will let you know. I hope everyone else is doing ok.
Miss A,
I know what it is like to want to get out of the hellish work place and start a job I like. I will leave you with this though, when you start to feel negative don’t let them bring you down, it just makes your day longer, trust me been there. This was sent to me by a friend and I want you to have it now:
Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean he was really friendly.
So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’ This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so….. ‘Love the people who treat you right. Forgive the ones who don’t.’
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!
haha Twisted Sister was an 80’s hair metal band. “We’re not going to take it.. NO We ain’t gonna take it.. no we’re not going to take it.. anymore.” Good for rocking out with while cleaning.
I walked today for 4 hours. I went to the Short North and looked in some shops then I went downtown. I LOVE downtown. Absolutely adore it. I went to the Statehouse and there is this little wall that has letters from soldiers to their wives/families/daughters/friends on it and I just sat and read all of them. They were so sad, but some were so fulfilling. One said this:
“I will never forget the things I learned here:
1) Never assume anything.
2) No matter how bad you don’t want to do something, see it through and make the best of it.
3) Home is where you make it.
4) Make things happen for yourself. Take charge of your life.
5) Don’t take the little things in life for granted.
6) If you really love someone, they’re always with you no matter where you are.
7) Teamwork. Friends are invaluable.
9) Trust in yourself and your first instinct.
10) Don’t lose touch with your Creator.”
I wanted to set some things straight. Just because I come to this forum doesn’t mean I have an ED anymore. Now I feel as though I have been through the hell of it all and I can provide support. It is just such a habit for me to pop this window open and go here everyday that I can’t not talk about my day. Sure, maybe I’m depressed.. but that has nothing to do with eating or my body image. I don’t believe it is fair to say that I don’t have courage or that I don’t believe in myself. I do have courage. Damn, I have a TON of courage. If I didn’t have courage, I would have died about 5 years back.. well look at me. I’m still here, aren’t I? I do believe in myself. I trust myself to take care of me. I know what is right for me now and I can help myself. I don’t think you guys here realize just how strong willed I am to do things. When I put my mind to it, it gets done.
Yea, I have my bad days. Don’t we all. I’m getting over that. I have been rewiring my brain for the past few months now and last week was a bad week because everything was going TOO well for me. I wasn’t used to it. Now I am.
I just want you to know that I am fine. My depression is subsiding little by little every time I talk with my dad about things. I don’t NEED to go to a doctor for things like that. I just NEED family. Family that I didn’t have growing up. I now have my dad and after I told him about how I was feeling about my major and the marines, etc. I felt 100% better.
All of my days here on out will be lived with the best of my ability. I am going to live for today because tomorrow has it’s own troubles. I am going to forget about the past and look towards the future, but there is nothing like today because the present is a gift from God.
You never know when your life is going to be taken from you.
I also read a letter today that simply stated “Dear Mr. and Mrs. Paradms, We are sorry to inform you that your son has been killed in line of duty while serving for his country with honor in (insert battalion here). Burial plans will be sent to you with a following letter. Sincerely, Capt. Privu A. USMC”
Yes, it made me think about my decision about the marines, but while reading the part that said “killed in the line of duty WHILE SERVING HIS COUNTRY WITH HONOR…” my heart skipped a beat and told me that serving my country with honor is what I want to do.
I have thought about the Peace Corps. I even looked more into it than just thinking about it. I do want to do the Peace Corps. But, I would much rather be in the Marines. Please don’t assume that I don’t want that kind of lifestyle. I’m not only appealed to the Marines because they are looked highly upon, but because I WANT it. I have always wanted a lifestyle like that.
I’m glad you can talk to your dad, Michelle. So have you decided for sure that you will do the Marines?
“haha Twisted Sister was an 80’s hair metal band. “We’re not going to take it.. NO We ain’t gonna take it.. no we’re not going to take it.. anymore.” Good for rocking out with while cleaning.”
Oh, I think I’ve heard that! Isn’t it used in a bith control ad? Heh.
Laura, thank you for that. I’m going to print it out so I can read it whenever I need a reminder. I was going to call Nats later tonight until I read your post. Now I am thinking it may be better to wait a while before I call her. I don’t know if the nurses answer her phone for her, so I will probably wait to see what you find out. I am so worried about her. I hope she will be okay.
Still haven’t heard anything about Nats. Have been trying to get ahold of the nurse to see how she is, but no luck. When I do hear something I will let you all know. Laura
Michelle- wow what a post– that is really inspriing what u wrote, im so pleased for u hun, u have done so well, im so glad that u now belive in urself and u know that u have courage, becuase u so do hun, ur amazing. glad that u now have ur dad for support. its great that u have recovered from ur ED, well done, ur a role model for us all, it shows that will the effort and courage and will-power, that we all can recover from our ED’s. stay strong hun- hope ur having a good day, xxx lisa x
Laura- thanks for the update about nats- im so worried for her, i really hope she is ok. She is strong- she can recover im sure of it, wen u next talk 2 nats, send my love 2 her and tell her that we all miss her on here. How are u doing Laura? XxX lisa x
im so so scared about 2morow -going back to collegem, i have still not made up my mind about what to do…. im so confused about this..-. My brain is telling me not to go….. i feel as tho anorexia is taking a stronger hold of all of my desions. Like this morning i was so going to eat something with my auntie- i did- but after i made myself sick…. my brain told me that i dont deserve food- so i listened to it-once again, im so messed up- im a freak, im so stupid and worthless, i dont derserve to live in this world. whats that point anymore…..?
Lisa- hun you are not a freak or stupid or worthless!!! you deserve to be here and to live and to get better and to be happy. you do. everyone messes up, it is just how we are, we’re human. you just gotta get up and try again. you are strong and you can do it. good luck at college. i will be praying for you. i think this will be a good step to take. ED will not like you getting out there and living, and he will fight. but you gotta fight harder, but you can do it! i have faith in you hun. hope you have a good day. =]
hi all! i just found this site. im glad to see many of you here.
maybe4me, i love the “law of the garbage truck”.
shelly, im so glad you are here! i am so proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone and applying (and interviewing) for the nursing job. i can see you as a great, compassionate nurse. good luck xxxkim – my email is kimgsw@yahoo.com
mrs. b, im glad to see you here! when i logged into mamav yesterday and the forum was gone i just turned off the computer and went to bed. it’s weird i feel so connected to the site and all of the people here. it kind of is a check in place for me and right now i need that.
laura, a_mother, are you here? i hope you are, i have missed you.
nats, i hope you are okay.you are in my constant thoughts and prayers. everyone is actually.
well my first week at work was, what is the word, enlightening. i worked monday through saturday 8am – 6pm, well 6:30 on saturday. i feel drained but am thankful to have sunday off (Iowa law you cant sell cars on sundays). i am learning this is not a nurturing place to work and everyone watches out only for themselves. the new and used car managers have no problem breaking down their employees and pointing out everything they do wrong and ignoring what is done right (this is expected). i am above the curve, completing correctly paperwork and selling two cars in the first week when the norm is the “newbies” arent knowledgeable enough or confident enough to even try. i guess i am a fast learner yet i dont like how demeaning they are and how they try to break everyone’s spirit and some of the salespeople would be willing to eat their young. one guy took a half day off to attend his daughters school concert and the managers asked him if he planned to be more dedicated to his work or if he didnt want to be in this profession. nate told me it was the first time he had every asked for any time off in the 18 months he has been there. you are given one day off a week and expected to be present at least 58 hours a week and if you have a car delivery on your day off you need to be there. im not sure how long i will be staying here. i can do the work but i dont see much of a life outside of work and work isnt a pleasant place to be. i havent lossed my smile yet though. i was offered another therapy job on friday and i may take that though i hate quitting. decisions, ugh.
sorry to ramble, i missed you all and am so glad you are here. love ya, kim
Hello Everyone,
I heard from Nats nurse that she is stable and awake but she is having a hard time talking so she won’t talk to anyone. Am just going off what I was told. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers. She will need them in the days to come. Everyone keep your heads up and stay strong…..heard from Brooke about Emily she is in intensive care and not doing well so pray for her too. I hate to be the one with all the bad news but want them prayed for. Love You all and hope you are doing good! Love, Laura
Laura, that is wonderful about Nats!! I was so worried. I am still praying though. and for emily too. <3
Everyone, I have great news! I have just been told that my father is not allowed to come to my house for the next 6 months !!!!!!!!!!!! YEAHHHH!! and he has one of those ankle bracelets on so he can’t even sneak over here. i am thrilled!!!
Kim,
Selling of any kind is hard. It is hard to face both the pressure from management and at times, hard to take the turndown from the customer. I am sure you will do well, because you have always been an achiever, but it takes a hard shell. You’ll have to decide if that is the direction you want to take. You are a remarkable woman. You’ll know the right choice.
Laura,
I’ve been hearing from a friend of Nats, too. She sounds very down. We all need to continue to pray.
Sarah,
Thank you for the constant encouragement you offer. You are always so positive. Please take care of yourself. You deserve all the best.
Lisa,
This is a tough fight. But people win it and they move forward. Michelle is breaking free. Shelly has broken free. You can break free, too. And you DO deserve it.
Love all,
Hope you have a beautiful Sunday,
Love,
Mrs. B.
I am having to get the nurse to type for me as at the moment I dont have enough energy to do so.
Just to let you know that I am ok, I am weaka and feeling rough but I am still here! You cant get rid of me that easily.
Thank you all for the posts you have made and all the prayers and thoughts that have been sent my way.
I miss you guys so much and if it were not for you all, I wouldnt have even been in hopital, I would have carried on as if nothing has happened.
I have realised now that I do not want to die, I thought and believed I trully wanted to die but now I dont feel that way.
Not sure why as yet but I will figure that out in time I guess.
But I never thought ever that I would have a heart attack at 22 yrs of age!! MY ED has fucked my life up enough and I will not let it continue, one way of another its going to stop. I am too young and god damn beautiful (nurses suggestion not mine) to be doing this! And I WILL change it.
Its just going to take a while is all, maybe a long time I dont know but at the moment I cant do anything but sleep because I feel like shit!!
a_mother, laura = maybe4me. aha, now i got it!! lol
i really dont know what to do with the job thing. the woman from the therapy job emailed me today again informing me that they are still wanting me for the position and would like me to start as soon as i am able. hmmmm, something i love doing or something okay that makes more money but gives me less time with family and friends???? anyone have a magic ball?
shelly, what happen with your article for the paper? any news on it yet? i hope you hear about the job soon. what does your husband think? the ideal thing maybe if you had the opportunity to begin at part time and move to full time. either way i hope it turns out the way you want. i think nursing is a good fit for you, you are intelligent and empathetic. good luck xxxkim
mrs b, i am glad to see you here. i have missed getting to chat with you. i hope you and your daughter are both doing well. xxxkim
michelle, maybe you should talk to a marine recruiter to see what information and specifics they have and it may help you make a more informed decision.
nats, do you have family and/or friends around you? once you are well enough to leave the hospital will you be able to stay with someone or them with you? just an idea but it may be a good idea since yesterday you were going to go home and then not long after had a heart attack. you may need someone to stay with to help monitor you in the event you need help.
sarah, miss a and lisa, hi. how are you each doing?
Nats,
With all my heart and soul, I am praying for you to fight this fight. I know that there have been lots of hurts in your life, but you also have many many gifts. And you have all of us here, and all of our prayers.
Soooooo, I told my mother. everything. at 2 in the morning, i went and woke her up. i said i needed to talk to her. and for 15 minutes straight i just told her everything. including all of my tricks and lies. so that she will catch me. it is so bittersweet though. i do not want to get rid of ED. i feel like i need him. but deep down i know i don’t. self-recovery got me really far. like- i know that Sarah and ED are 2 completely separate people. He is always here, screaming in my ear, and controlling me. But he is NOT me. But, to get all the way I think I needed to tell my mom. I do need help. I am so nervous though, now i cannot starve for days without her noticing. what if she expects me to just eat ‘normally’ now. just expects it. i cannot heal overnight!! i am so scared for the days, weeks, month, maybe year to come. ED is gonna kick my butt. cuz i am sure he is so mad at me for telling mom. i gotta be tough. so, yeah.
Sarah,
That was such a great first start. Now be prepared for your mom to not really get it and to be so dumb sometimes you will find her excruciatingly annoying. I am telling you this in all seriousness. It is important for your mom to know and it is important for you to be honest with her. I also think that the “therapy” part of your treatment needs to come from a professional. And mom needs to be mom. That will be a hard place for you and your mom to get to. It continues to be a process for us.
For my daughter and me…..since she has been out of treatment, she tried to come back and live at home. But her dad is a successful professional. I am a successful professional. Mind you, we are both over 50 and we did not pop out at 19 as successful professionals….and neither will she. But her path took a big twist. And she feels like she failed us. And she feels like we are always watching and evaluating what she is doing. And all of that felt like a lot of pressure. So she is living with some friends who just love her. That seems to really be working for her. These are friends who are keeping her honest, but they don’t judge. She comes home to visit, go for walks, play with her dogs, etc.
This path to recovery is a twisty one. You and your family will need to figure out what works for you. But you and your mom will need to try to find a way to keep your relationship through all of EDs tricks. For us, that meant for me to stay away from “helping” her other than listening when she wanted to talk. Listening without commentary….which is hard for me.
If your mom ever wants to talk to another mom, Sarah, give her my email address: debrockman@aol.com
Sarah, I’m so proud of you for telling you mum everything. It had to of been hard, I know it was hard for me to tell Dad mostly everything. He still doesn’t know how depressed I am, but I don’t really necessarily know how to bring that one up. He might think he had failed as a parent. I know he felt like that when I told him about my bulimia. He couldn’t stop saying sorry for not giving me the loving family and support that I needed and that he had walked out on me one too many times. I told him it wasn’t his fault because I was the one that failed myself. He really didn’t understand it, but that’s ok. I told Dad while I was home for Christmas break. Mind you, that’s a month long.. and the entire time after I told him I remember freaking out about him watching me or anything. I don’t know if your mum will be the same way, but Dad was really cool about it, since I wasn’t a real big restrictor while at home, he just watched me after we ate. He asked me where I was going a lot when I wanted to go throw it all up.. and that made me stop and say, “I’m going to the bathroom.” Then I would feel bad to throw everything up because I was so sick of lying to him. I know you’ll get through this, Sarah. You’re a strong willed girl. If you feel like your mum is going to be watching you closely, let her know that you feel more pressure if she does so. Obviously you need a little bit of watching over, but more so taking care of than watching. You know what I mean?
Nats- so glad that ur ok now, was so worried, but know u are a fighter, get well soon- hope 2 hear more from u soon hun.love ya xx
Kim-im ok thanks well i am now, had a terrible day at college- was my first day back in like 8 months, was so scary. How r u 2day? hows ur day been?
love ya xx
Mrs B-Miss A-Sarah-Laura- how are u all?
Well my day has been horrible to say the least- decided to make the desion and go back to college today- when i got in the room after waiting outside for 30mins thinking about it- everyone just stared at me wen i walked in, the tutor said hi and asked how i was- none of the students talked to me for the first half an hour, they all just kept on looking at me, like im a freak show. when they did finnally say something to me- it was all question- like how come ur anorexic, and are u dying that sort of thing- i feel such a freak- i don’t derseve to be in this world anymore, maybe god dident want me to live this long, so this is the way of killing me off. Well guess what- i want to die. Im not going back to college 2morow- i can’t face anyone anymore. i just want to curl up and die. Am i being selfish by saying this? I hate how i hurt people, i don’t want to hurt anyone, i want to love them, they think i don’t love them- but i do, i really do, i hate being me, all i do is hurt people, im such a horrible person, why should someone like me derserve to live?
So sorry for being so negative today- i just can’t be positive anymore, when there is nothing positive in my life.
Hope ur all ok,
Take care, u can fight this, ur all stronger than me.
love u all
Lisa xx
Hi everyone. I’ve been sick again lately. Yesterday I was having severe abdominal pain for most of the day. I tried eating some toast and thet just made it feel worse. I’ve felt better today, but I’ve been sticking to eating pretty bland stuff. I’m afraid years of abusing laxatives has finally caught up with me. I was going to tell the doctor about it when I go on the 8th, but the more I think about it, this less I am sure that I will be able to admit it. It’s embarassing and disgusting. How do I just come out and say that?
Sarah, I’m proud of you for being honest with your mom. I think it would be a good idea if she talked with Mrs. B.
Kim, have you decided about your job situation? It must be a difficult decision to make, but I’m sure you will make the right decision for you.
Lisa, I’m sorry you had such a rough time at college. Is there anyone you can reach out to for help? You do deserve to live. We all deserve to live ED free. It’s a hard fight, but please don’t give up.
Laura, I had to work today. Everyone was already in a bad mood when I got there because they didn’t want our new team leader. Someone said something to me about everyone being in a bad mood, and I replied, “I’m not. What good is it to be pissed off all day about something you can not change. Are you going to spend the next few years pissed off because you don’t like our team leader?” I think that made him stop and think. I went in with the mindset that I was not going to be in a bad mood, and you know what? I wasn’t.
Hey guys. Thanks. I’m not sure how my mom is really taking it yet. other than the breakfast incident yesterday, i only had 120 calories. so, 270 total for the day. But see, i told her at a weird time because now i am unable to eat! I went to the orthodontist and have this metal contraption in my mouth and i can’t swallow. well, i can swallow liquids now. so, i kind of have an excuse not to eat. i dont really know. my mom hasn’t said anything other than at breakfast yesterday. Well, it is nearly 5 in the morning, i think i may go watch tv. or possibly go back to bed.
mrsB, perhaps after a while if my mom says anything, then i will give her your email. i am just worried that you will tell her what i say on here. lol. because i did tell her about the forum but not the web address because i do not want her reading this!
Love you,
Sarah
Sarahmic,
You have my email address. If you want to talk to me or have your mother talk to me…I’m here. I would make you a promise to not talk to your mom about this forum or about you. You can just tell her that I’m a mom who is battling this with my own daughter who has learned alot along the way.
MissA,
I do hope that you start getting some relief soon. It is so demoralizing to feel bad all the time. I’m a migraine sufferer. To that extent, I can relate.
I went to sleep early last night and woke up early this morning.
Weird things happened last night though.
I went to bed at 10:30, got to sleep probably by 10:45.
I woke up every hour at 5 past.
11:05, 12:05, 1:05, 2:05, 3:05, 4:05, 5:05, 6:05, 7:05.
My alarm went off at 7:07.
I mean, I fell back asleep after every time I woke up, but this is the second night in a row that this has happened. Weird.. and slightly annoying. It’s like something doesn’t want me to sleep or something.
I felt so good about myself waking up early and going to sleep early. I have done it the past three nights and have never felt better.
The first night, I’ll admit, I went to sleep early because if I didn’t, I’d want to just sit there and eat random foods. I do that a lot. I just sit at my desk and eat. I’m trying to get into shape, so I have been eating healthier and I’m going to start exercising more often. So, I can’t allow myself to eat at night anymore.
I’m going to make it a habit to go to sleep early. I’ve found that I’m more willing to get things done in the day.
Tues. and Thurs. nights will be a bit tougher because I have classes that run until 9:30, so I don’t get back to my dorm until 9:45 or so. Since I have no time during the day, I usually do things later in the evening on those days. But, I think I’ll figure something out. Man, I can’t wait for next quarter with fresh classes and the ability to begin anew with study habits and sleep habits and what have you.
Nats, it is good to hear from you! I’m glad your toughing things out. I love you a TON! =]
Mrs. B, my stomach is feeling somewhat better today. I woke up about 6:oo this morning with it hurting really bad, but it went away after a few minutes. Most of the day I have felt nauseous. I ate lunch and about a half hour later my stomach started hurting again, but it feels better now.
I found out this morning that my worker’s comp claim for my shoulder has been denied. It has to go to a hearing next. I’m not sure what will happen. I don’t know if I should get a lawyer. I might call a lawyer to see what they say. I’m not looking for them to pay me so I can quit working. I just want to be able to see a doctor and get some relief from the pain. I worry that if it won’t be covered under worker’s comp, my insurance will not pay for it because they will say it is a work-related injury. It’s been a very depressing day. When I think about it I want to cry.
Oh, MissA. I am so disappointed about your W/C claim. W/C is really geared toward the employer. I have always represented the employer side and even I would say that. You know I think I would at least do an exploratory session with a lawyer. It can’t hurt to look into it.
Michelle,
You do so many “right” things…The kinds of things I always tell my kids will help them live more productively. Definitely going to bed early and getting up early are VERY productive. Most of the world works on that schedule. That’s when the most effecteive work is done.
Sarah i’m so glad you took that step in telling your mam =) Although it will be difficult at the start she will help your recovery in the long run. Got your email btw
Michelle i guess its not waffle then when parents make there kids go to bed early lol
I have had a pretty rough day. Went to visit my friends grave and it helped i felt at ease. Although i still have not managed to visit my cousins grave yet i am glad i went to see my friend although it was sad it was also peaceful all in all a mixture of emotions so i’m pretty drained now
Mrs. B, I haven’t received any paper work yet, so I think I will wait to contact a lawyer until I do. The doctor’s office called me this morning to tell me it had been denied. I had a head injury a couple years ago at work. It happened on a Friday, and they waited until Monday to send me to the hospital. I contacted some lawyers when that happened, but no one would touch it. I work for an extremely large company, and few lawyers are willing to go up against them. I have a lawyer working on something else for me, so I will contact him as soon as I get the denial forms. He is from a big law firm, so hopefully he will not be afraid of my employer. Hopefully I will be able to get my insurance to pay for treatment if I can’t get W/C to approve it. All I won’t is a chance to get better.
i have decided to stick with selling cars. i had another woman call me today to offer me a different sales position from when i sent my resume. i told her i had already accepted another position but she would like to talk with me and see if she can top what i am currently making. while that feels good, i dont think i am looking to change after just getting underway. my eating has been slipping a bit since i began my new job last monday. i dropped 5 pounds, only 3 in the last week though. i think i need to watch that a bit more then i have been. it is easy for me to slip back when i am busy. anyway, i hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves. missa, i am sorry about the work comp thing, i think if people need medical care they should receive it. i hope things turn around. sarah kudos to you for talking with your mom. big step, you may need to bring it up more then once as sometimes they want to push it away as much as we do. mrs. b would be a great asset and maybe you will feel comfortable having your mom email with her, i think it may be helpful and you can trust mrs. b with your anonymity on what you have shared here. i think she and your mom could talk about eds and the effects to all involved without specifics on your situation.
shelly, how are you doing? you have been quiet. i hope you are alright. xxxkim
laura, what is new with you? are you enjoying a lighter schedule or did you fill it with other things already?? hopefully fun things.
michelle, keep hanging in there. have faith.
nats, how are you doing? what is your discharge plan for when you are allowed to leave the hospital?
i hope you are all doing good, i love you and miss getting to chat more. take care. xxxkim
Do any of you keep journals?
I like reading backwards in mine..
That way, I can read about what I did when I felt better for a day.. I re-read the ‘good’ posts, though I tend to not write about my good days, more so my bad ones.
Or I can read about what I did or thought about to make myself slip even further.
It helps to train your brain to get away from those thoughts that you have. Suddenly, you have control of your brain and you have an idea of what to do to get out of the hole you might be in.
It is said that the occurrences in your life actually happen constantly, it is just up to you to remember what you did last time to get out of the situation. It’s all about wiring your brain to think the way YOU want it to.
Kind of like growing up..
you burn yourself on a pan, or your parent told you not to touch because you might burn yourself. Your brain wired itself to know “Hey, don’t touch that pan, it’s probably hot.” Little things like that to even knowing when not to go walking at night, where not to go in your neighborhood, how to handle a situation when someone confronts you.
Your brain is an amazing part of your body.
Sorry this is in two parts.. I kind of pressed submit before I was done.. lol
You know.. it’s kind of like growing up..
you burn yourself on a pan, or your parent told you not to touch because you might burn yourself. Your brain wired itself to know “Hey, don’t touch that pan, it’s probably hot.” Little things like that to even knowing when not to go walking at night, where not to go in your neighborhood, how to handle a situation when someone confronts you.
Your brain is an amazing part of your body.
Sorry this is in two parts.. I kind of pressed submit before I was done.. lol
Sorry Michelle for some reason your last two posts were classed as “spam” so I had to authorise them, they have now been done so they should show up ok. Im sorry about that!
Today is a big day! I am getting my tube taken out! woooo hoooo its been doing my head in and now I get to have it taken out. BUT that means that I have to eat!! Im a bit worried what will happen but I know that I do not want the tube coming anywhere near me again!
Nats, that’s exciting! But, yea you have to watch yourself now..
just keep in mind that the tube could happen again, then you’ll make yourself want to eat.
I’m sure I’d rather force myself to do something than have someone else force me to do it.
=]
Nats,
This is scary, certainly.
Just remember, though. You are making a decision that food is less scary than a tube! It certainly would be for me!
Good luck Sass!!
Nats thats such a good step in terms of recovery now that they are taking the tube out. Just remeber everytime you think about how scary food is remember how much you hate the tube =)
Hey guys. quick post. am feeling not so good. =/
Nats, that is great about tube. am happy for you. good luck eating. i know it will be hard but i also know that you can do it! btw, just replied to yahoo message.
michelle, i love going to bed early and getting up early. it makes my day so much better. dunno why that is lol. doesn’t happen very often for me though. that is so weird that you were waking up the same time every hour. no, i do not keep a journal. i bought one not too long ago, but never got around to writing in it. but i am not going to, as my mother flat out told me she would read it if she thought there was something wrong. and now that she knows there is something wrong…nopeee.
kim and missa, i hope you guys are doing alright at work. how are you both doing?
aisling, babe just talked to you a min ago lol. i hope you are doing better babe. and that you find your camera lead =P stay strong love. will reply to email in a bit.
mrs.b. , thank you. you seem like such an amazing woman and a great mom! it is a strange time now, as i can’t eat. but, i dont really know what my mom is thinking. this morning she told me to eat breakfast and i said no. and she let it go. so, hmmmm. i will give her your email. mkay? i dont really know if she will, as i think she wants to ignore this. so, sorry! but would it be okay if i emailed you later??
love you.
am thinking about you all. hope you are all alright.
so I had to try and eat today. It was like trying to ride a bike for the first time. You know that feeling you get that its so scary but you know you want to do it, and u keep falling but u also just keep getting back up because u know the alternative is worse. And it would affect ur whole life.
Michelle u have made me see what I need to do. Over the past few weeks you have been talking about yourself. U have thought about what YOU want and you are not letting anything we are going through affect you. You know what?? That is the best thing ever. I have been focusing on everything that is going on with everyone else so l could ignore what’s going on with me.
I cant do that anymore. I am killing myself because I can’t deal!! I need to deal, I need to focus on myself and try my best, that’s all I can do right. Then no matter what happens if I live or die, I will know and so will all of you that I did my best, I tried and wanted a normal life.
At the end of the day, im human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does
Nats,
And you are loved. You truly are. I told you some day I would get to Europe and I will and you will tour me around. I just know it. But you must fight for you.
You know what you said about Michelle doing what was right for her? You are totally right. Do what is right for you, Nats. My daughter and I are establishing totally new boundaries. I am learning that she is her own unique mixture of genetics created by my husband and me. She is not him. She is not me. I should not have expectations of who she will be.
She is in the process of shedding the things that get in her way. For example, she told me today that she wants to get a phone without internet because the internet causes her distress….things like checking Facebook and discovering that some “friend” said something stupid. She is learning a technique my husband developed years ago….if someone isn’t a good friend to you…move on. Be kind to everyone, but really Care for the people who care for you back. Life’s too short. Be you. Discover YOUR purpose. I’m going to get off line in a few minutes to work on my next chapter in “A Purpose Driven Life. Even at my age, I’m still in the process of finding my own purpose. It’s a journey. I just have to continuously remind myself, “God’s Will….not My Will.”
Sarahmic,
I would love to hear from you privately, you have my email, right? It would be great to know what you feel is getting in the way of your relationship with your mom. One of the things that we moms REALLY struggle with is our anxiety about our chicks. It is hard to just enjoy you and be with you and not worry. And that reinforces the cycle of difficulty with the relationship. Worry is a worthless emotion, although it is a natural one. For me, I find that if I refocus my worry to positive affirmation and reflection, I am more able to control my emotions and be more relaxed with my daughter. I make a conscious effort to listen more, talk less and just have as much normalcy as I can in the house. It helps with all of our anxiety levels, and that helps my daughter cycle less with bingeing and purging.
BTW, all, after having a tough few days, my daughter has had a couple of really good days. Tomorrow we are meeting with her psychiatrist and discussing meds and therapy for the treatment of her generalized anxiety. Those of you who pray….I would genuinely appreciate your prayers toward recovery from her anxiety.
Today pretty much sucked from start to finish. I had trouble sleeping last night. When I woke up, I had a massive headache. I had to take my youngest son to kindergarten screening. I had know idea they would expect him to know so much stuff. He knows all the stuff my oldest son knew when he started school, but now they expect them to know letter sounds and how to sound out works. What the hell do they teach them in kindergarten? Multipication and division? How about algebra and Japanese?
Grrr!
After that little fiasco, I had an eye exam. The doctor dialated my eyes which made my headache worse.
This afternoon my oldest son had a baseball scrimmage. He played great, but during the game he got hit in the stomach with the ball. He still has a big welt from it. After the game I took my youngest to the restroom. While we were gone, three boys decided to push my oldest down, throw sand in his face, and throw a rock at him. He did not tell me until we were in the car leaving and he started crying. I think what bothers me the most is that several parents were standing around the area and no one said anything. Someone had to see something. I’m not sure what to do. It hard to be a parent and know when to step in and when to back off. I don’t want to make things worse for him. I called his coach to tell him what happened and asked him to talk with the kids at the next practice about how to treat their teammates. Other than that I don’t know what to do. It wasn’t on school property so I don’t think the school would intervene. I guess I’ll just wait and see what happens.
Sorry this post is so long, it has just been a really sucky day.
Nats, I am so proud of you.. you are just a human. As humans, we make mistakes. But, we just get right back up and as the Beatles put it.. “Get back to where you once belong” maybe that was taken out of context of their song (my roomie is listening to them right now.) but it’s true! We just have to get right back on track. I love you a lot dear. I’m thinking of doing study abroad in England sometime.. maybe we can make plans? This might not happen for a long time, but who knows! haha We could have a camp out and make cookies.. lol
MissA, I’m so sorry that happened to your son! Boys can really be bullies sometimes. Talk about kindergarten screening.. I heard in elementary school now they are teaching the ‘new math’ which is basically telling kids… “2+2 doesn’t really equal 4.. but kind of.” How does that add up? What are they going to say next?
2+2= chair”?? Our school systems are really trying to make the kids compete with the school systems of the Japanese culture I believe.. or maybe they are trying to steal children of their innocence and childhood so they can have some kind of a super power in the US when their generation comes around. Who knows.
Today was a good day for me. I took my career aptitude test and I avoided answering ‘indifferent’ for all of the questions. Basically it just asked how I felt about being a part of certain careers and doing certain things, then it assessed my skills and my interests outside of work. Then, I went to class and work.. and then the best part of my day =]
I went to the etiquette dinner and it was simply wonderful. The food was amazing, I found out that I knew a LOT more about etiquette than I thought, actually the only few things I didn’t know was the whole wear your name tag on the right and sit down on your seat from the right. Everything is on the right, which is hard for a left-hander to get used to! After the dinner, I met this spectacular lady who is a senior right now in actuarial science. She is actually moving to Maine this upcoming September! That really put my dream of moving to Maine into perspective and as a possibility. She also really helped me kink out some of my doubts about being able to be involved and be in this degree program. Though I believe I need to slow it down a bit, I am still going to try out for the band. If I don’t make it, I will only work next quarter and nothing else I don’t think. I just can not handle this much. I don’t know though we’ll see.
Anyway, after I was done talking with her, I talked with the dean of my college which was such an amazing feat. She is such an amazing lady. She gave me some pointers to keep up a life outside of school work, yet getting the grades I want.
Finally, as if the night wasn’t already amazing, I spoke with an Actuarial Officer from Nationwide Financial! He actually graduated from OSU with an actuary degree and had the same doubts I had and actually wanted to be a high school math teacher like I have on my back burner, as well. Anyway, long story short, he really gave me an insight of what an actuary does and how someone as personable as I am will be able to really fit into an office setting. He gave me his card and told me to look for him when he comes to campus next year to recruit students for internships.
Even with my career aptitude test results coming to me this Monday, I believe I am going to tough it out. I really just need to get focused and realize that I really need to start working a LOT harder and become interested in the classes I need to become interested in in order to pass them.
Tomorrow is going to be a busy day with classes and work and whatnot, but Friday is coming up quick. I am taking a retreat with my church for the night until Saturday night. It will be good to just get off campus and really just hang out with others and really get close to God again. I need him now more than ever and I feel myself slipping away.
Hey all, just wanted to say a quick Hi. I had a long day and am just exhausted and need to do some things before heading to bed. I have been thinking and praying for all of you and have missed not getting to chat with you all more.
missa, i hope tomorrow offers you sunshine and a much brighter day. my heart goes out to your little guy. somedays it is hard to have patience and compassion but we need to learn and grow. i will be thinking about you and saying extra prayers for you.
mrs b, i sent you an email, thanks for allowing me to, it has helped more then you know. you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.
nats, do you have a discharge plan for when you are eventually released from the hospital. i think you need to stay with others so you are safe.
michelle, keep reaching for god’s hand, dont slip away. the sooner you get back on track the better.
sarah, i hope you are feeling better. i love ya.
shelly, where are you? are you okay? i am worried about you. please take care of you. i would love it if you would email me, my email is: kimgsw@yahoo.com
a_mother, i miss you too. how are you? what is happening in your life? fill me in.
Take care of yourselves my friends! Know that i love you all and am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for sharing yourselves with me! Love ya, Kim xxxx
MissA i am so sorry that happened to your little boy. Has it happened before like is he being bullied or is it a once off, cause if its happened before and on school property the school has to get involved dont they? take care and i hope he is alright
Today has been a not so good day my brother found out about my “weird” eating habits he doesnt know how bad it is he just thinks i have been eating a little nd then purging some meals. So its been really awful i have had dinner for the first time in like 4 days and am sitting here trying to distract myself from purging because i dont want to raise suspicions more then i have i convinced him i am ok which i hate cause i’ve had to lie to someone i protect =(
ah, aisling hun i am sorry you are having a rough day. i am on messenger and will be for quite some time. or email me if you like. hun take care of yourself. i love you
michelle i am glad you had a good time yesterday. and talking on messenger was fun hehe.
nats- i am so proud of you!! good job on your eating yesterday. that is so good that you got it down. babe, i love you so much and i am happy to see that you are trying to take care of yourself and do the best you can to get better.
missa im sorry about your son. i read it and went awwwwww. i hope that was a one time thing cuz that is so sad. when i started kindergarten, we did not really have to know anything haha. we got a survey to do with our parents that said do you think there are monsters in the bathroom? and questions like that. i am not even kidding haha. well, i hope you are okay.
mrs b how did meeting with psychiatrist go? i hope it went alright. you and your daughter continue to be in my thoughts.
well. i guess one sentence will suffice. high school = hell!!!
can i drop out please?!?! there is only one month left, but i really really do not want to go back ever.
Michelle,
You sound like you are developing so much inner strength. I’m really proud of you. I never knew that you were an actuarial science major. I’m so impressed! That’s tough stuff! And it’s fabulous money when you graduate. You go girl!
Nats,
I hope that you had a good day and that you continue to make progress without your tube. You are on my mind every day.
Sarah,
You do NOT want to drop out of school. My daughter almost did not graduate because she was so sick. The last two weeks of school we had to work really hard so that she could finish all her requirements, but she did. I don’t know how it would have affected her emotions if she had not been able to finish. She has always been such a strong student. Stick with it. You don’t want to have to go back and “catch back up”. You can do this. You can.
Aisling,
Try honesty, Ais. Please. Your family loves you without condition. They may worry, but they always love you. Lying leads to secretiveness and shame and puts ED right in charge where he wants to be. Try honesty. It has been really important for my daughter and me.
Kim,
Thanks so much for the email. I love to hear from you. You are so amazing. I am really proud of your successes. But as we discussed, be sure to take care of you. Success on a job and image for others is, in the end, less important than being true to yourself and good health. I think of you often.
Your words last night were so helpful for my visit with Jes today. We had a GREAT day. She seems so at peace right now. She was accepted by school, her apt. lease is in order, we have quite a few things together for her new place. We agreed that instead of buying her a dog, she is going to take one of my dogs with her when she moves. I think that will be good for her.
She has an interview tomorrow at a dog daycare. She is so excited. She had decided that she wanted to stay away from retail so that she didn’t have as much trouble saving. In her mind, that left books or dogs. She’s excited about the thought of caring for dogs as a job. It does sound fun, doesn’t it?
MissA.
Gosh what a CRAPPY day yesterday was. When my kids were hurting that was always the WORST for me. Way worse than when something happened to me. It is always so hard to know when to intervene. And it is always astonishing to see how other parents respond in these situations. I hurt for you for what you went through. Unfortunately, as we all know on this board, the word is just not always perfect, and it is certainly not always nice. I guess we have to get used to dealing with that. But it’s hard.
And I hope your headache is better. Ugh a headache and then dialated eyes. Aaaagh.
Thank you everyone who expressed concern about my son. He is doing okay today. He has had problems with two of the boys being mean to him in the past, but they had never gotten physical that I know of. If it happens at school, I will be in the principal’s office insuring that they take care of it.
I haven’t been around today because I’m not feeling well. I have been running a fever this afternoon. I haven’t been able to eat anything since this morning because the thought of food makes me nauseous. If I’m still running a fever tomorrow, I’m going to call my new doctor to see if she will see me tomorrow.
So, I have been eating pretty well, going to bed rather early (at around 10:45 every night) and getting up rather early (around 7:30 every morning). The most I exercise is walking to classes, but that is because I DON’T have time to do else wise.
But, my question is..
the muscles in my legs really are starting to strain when I walk. I don’t know what that means I am lacking. Does any one know enough about nutrition to know about this? My foot muscles are really hurting, too. I could hardly walk to day, I took the bus around campus from class to class because my foot hurt so much.
I don’t know what’s going on!
I hope everyone has/had/is having a good day (depending on your time zone and when you read this) =]
Michelle something like that happened me when i was in hosp a while ago because i was exercising so much before i went in and then when i was there i could do no exercise so my muscles atarted to pain me and the doc’s just said it was because something to do with the muscle becoming weaker.
I dont know if its happening you but it sorta sounds the same
thank you Sarah but i didnt have a chance to go on yesterday cause i had to go for a run to distract me. I promise i will email you tonight if i’m at home
take care of yourself missA
and mrsB i hope the session went well with your daughter
Hi everyone! I finally made it over here! How is everyone?
Mrs. B, Thats great news about your daughter! I work at a doggie daycare! Its really fun! Some of the dogs are psychotic but its still fun.
Michelle, Thats great news about your major! I’m really happy that you are doing lots better! I’m trying extremely hard to get my mind in a place where I can concentrate and get interested in my classes also. Its just really hard to do. I’ve had the same problems with my muscles also. I can’t remember if I told you or not but my intake session went ok. It was kinda weird. As I was telling her everything that I do or have done I just kept thinking to myself do I really do that to myself? Very weird. I never said it out loud before so I just kept thinking it was no big deal and just denying it.
Shelly, Hi!
Nats, I hope your ok now!! That is scarey!!!!!!!!! Take care of yourself!!!
Hi everyone! I finally made it over here! How is everyone?
Mrs. B, Thats great news about your daughter! I work at a doggie daycare! Its really fun! Some of the dogs are psychotic but its still fun.
Michelle, Thats great news about your major! I’m really happy that you are doing lots better! I’m trying extremely hard to get my mind in a place where I can concentrate and get interested in my classes also. Its just really hard to do. I’ve had the same problems with my muscles also. I can’t remember if I told you or not but my intake session went ok. It was kinda weird. As I was telling her everything that I do or have done I just kept thinking to myself do I really do that to myself? Very weird. I never said it out loud before so I just kept thinking it was no big deal and just denying it.
Shelly, Hi!
Nats, I hope your ok now!! That is scarey!!!!!!!!! Take care of yourself!!!
Michelle, I’m not an expert in nutrition, but I think low potassium can cause leg cramps. Try eating something with good levels of potassium, such as a banana.
Mrs. B, I’ve been running a slight fever today, but not as high as it was last night. Today I mainly feel tired and weak. My head was hurting earlier, but I took some medicine and it feels better now. I heard from Nats a couple days ago. I hope she is doing okay.
i hope everyone is doing ok and eveeryone continues to hang in there. I am struggling a little. Not so much with ED stuff but a lot of depression and anxiety. I have actually been thinking a lot about Polly and I really miss her. She was always able to pull me out of a funk and i wasnt able to do the same for her.
Sometimes in recovery I just get tired. tired of fighting so hard to make it right. I get overwhelmed and sometimes I get hit with a fear so intense that I do not know what to do wih myself.
I am have been restleing with a decision about my medication. My doc wants me to take another medication fo rmy anxiety, but if I had a nickel for everytime I heard “this is great for anxiety” I would be a millionare. I lost a lot of my trust in doctors with my benzo fiasco and quite frankly I am craving benzos like crazy.
I hope evryone has a great weekend.
Nats-
hang in there…let us know how you ae doing. You scared me when I read you had a heart attack. Shit that is scary.
Kim-
thanks for the email…it really cheered me up.
Shelly,
My heart is right there with yours on the whole anxiety thing. I know that you have been treated for anxiety for a long time, so I suspect that you could write the book on it by now. My daughter is struggling in that area, too. My husband always has, and my monther-in-law can barely leave the house. I don’t know what to say….other than ask a lot of questions and research. And I’ll pray for you that you can find relief.
We all need to pray for Nats. I am reluctant to share this, but I have been told that she has checked herself out of the hospital.
Nats, sassygirl. Please let us know that you are OK.
I hope youlet us know how you are doing. I know what you are going through as I am sure a lot of us on here do. Nats,
YOU CAN NOT GIVE UP!!!
you just went through something very serious and seriously scary. Please take care of yourself.
At times I do not want to go through recovery either (like now) but i know I cant let myself down. Please be honest with yourself. I am afraid we are going to lose you very soon.
Can everyone keep Arrie in their thoughts as well. She could all use our support
Shelly, I’m sorry to hear you are struggling right now. My dad suffers from anxiety, so although I do not know what it is like to have anxiety, I know what it is like to have a family memeber dealing with it. There have been months when my dad has barely been able to get out of bed. Keep fighting and keep looking for answers. I hope you find the relief you need soon.
Nats, it was so good to hear from you today. you had me worried as hell. i hope you are doing better. love you babe!
cannot type much now, gtg.
I love you all and I’m praying for you. Stay strong everyone. ttys,
Hi all,
Shelly I am happy to cheer you up anytime you need it! I will keep you in my constant thoughts and prayers!! Take care of you!!
Mrs. B, I am glad you and Jes had a good time together!! I envy your relationship with her. Just keep the communication open. I think Jes will do a great job and working with pets can be so therapeutic and fun!! Have a great weekend! I will keep you and Jes in my prayers. Love ya, Kim
Hi Gang! Long time no see. I am up early, sipping coffee watching the sun rise and the birds chirp.
Posted to my blog about the web site I am building. It’s kind of a side project since I am a tech nut and this helps me keep in the know on web2.0 stuff (whole other world, I know)
Hope all is well. Life is good. I’ve done a lot of thinking and talking with my husband. My job is so damn demanding. Still love it though…what’s wrong with me? Kids are great, and my neck has been better thanks to accupuncture and herbal teas, and from slowing myself down a bit.
I decided to join an online site that let’s you track everything you eat for the day. It let’s you set your own goals for the day. I thought that this would help me be more accountable for what I eat, and help me with controlling my b/p. Now I’m not so sure. I find myself kind of freaking out when I get close to my calorie goals for the day. I like the being able to keep track of everything easily, but I don’t like the fact that it makes me feel like restricting. I find myself eating small amounts all day because I am afraid I will get close to my calorie goal too soon, and then what will I do. I feel like it is helping me, yet hurting me. Maybe I’ll ask my doctor her opinion when I go.
Lalala. it is spring and that makes me happy =] it is so sunny and beautiful outside today.
So today i went to church and there is this lady there. she is probably about 30. and she has shared her story at the old teen girls bible study ages ago, about how she had an ED when she was in high school. she is such a lovely woman. and today i asked her if sometime we could go to starbucks on a saturday morning or something and talk. and she said she would love to. so i am going to talk to her about how she handled it and how she talked to her parents and all that. I am kind of nervous, but also kind of happy.
missa, you are so strong and i know you will be fine, but i do think it would be a good idea if you discussed it with your doc. but i defo get what you mean about not wanting to have too many cals too early in the day and all that stuff. good luck hun =]
michelle- babe you are NOT crazy. i’m not sure what is going on. but you seem to have a lot of sense and knowledge. hun, i think you might need to talk to someone about that tho. ily!
kim, mrs. b., shelly, laura, aisling, how are you doing? love you all.
katie, lisa, alex, haven’t heard from you all in a while. how’s it going?
It’s summer Sarah =P but yep the good weather always helps to cheer me up
nats thank you for the email it was good to hear from you. i lov you and hang in there babes.
Shelly my heart goes out to you
MrsB i know how bad it is to lie and i know i am handing my power over to my ed but i still do it i guess i dont want to shatter my little brothers heart he is so innocent i just denied it. But he seems to have settled in the fact i’m ok and i guess i prefer it that way even if it is a lie. If that makes sense
MissA when you begin to count your cals again you will end up restricting. You are so strong but sometimes its little things like that that push us in the wrong direction. I think you should defo see your doc
Hi all, I just wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing. I work 8am – 8pm tomorrow so I may not be on again til Tuesday. I hope you all have a great day on Monday and take care of yourselves. Remember, progress not perfection. Keep working on taking steps forward though. Love ya all, Kimxxx
sorry i havent been on here much, have been in hospital.
what have i missed with u guys?
Nats–How are u babe? so worried wen i read about what happenened 2 u.. how are u doing now?
Kim- hope ur ok, and hope work goes ok for u, take care- talk 2 u wen ur nxt on.xxx
Sarah Mic– im doing ok 2day- lovely to hear about u meeting another woman who used 2 have a ED- im sure u talking to her will be reallly helpful- good luck with that- let us know how it went when u meet up where her. wish the sun was shining here! its so cloudy here, shuldent complain tho- at least its not raining like it was all last week!.take care of ur self- love ya xxx
Miss A- i think it would be a good idea if you talked to your doctor about this first, i mean it could be a good way of you keeping track of what you eat, but it also could have a downside to it- its just personal experience, i used one of those calorie counter things when i was younger and to be honest it made me more dertiminded to eat as few calorie’s as possible- so i stay of those calorie counter things- but thats just me, it could work well for you, but i advise u speak to your doctor about it first, good luck, hun, hope 2 talk 2 u soon, love u xx
Mama V- glad to see u hav written on the forum, we hav missed u, how are you? xx
Michelle– hun, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY AT ALL. I no what u mean by the fights in ur head, its like you have to sides to ur brain, the side which wants to fight and get better and the other side thats wants you to give up and carry on with ur ways (at the moment this is my strongest side to me). Am i making any sense?
Take Care , xxx
Mrs B and Laura- how are u both? havent see u 2 on here for a while, we miss u, xxx
Hey all, I hope we are having a wonderful day. If not, just look towards tomorrow as a look of hope for a new day. New day=new beginning=another chance to start over.
I went to receive my results from my career aptitude test. The results were not that surprising at all. Basically it said that I am a very conventional, yet social person. That means I enjoy processing data, yet I also enjoy instructing people. My interests lie (look at this.. weird.) in this order: Military activities, Office services, Religious activities, Teaching, and finally Music/drama. I thought this weird because well, I want to be in the Marines. The only jobs I have held were office positions. I am religious and enjoy partaking in religious activities. Teaching is my back burner job. Finally, I love music and being in plays or musicals. Weird, eh?
The occupations that most aligned with my interests based on others who have taken this test were really stupid.. they are nothing that I’d really want to do. So, I’m not going to waste much of your time.
I thought it very interesting that my skills kept coming up as conventional and social. The other choices being: artistic, enterprising, realistic, and investigative. They were always in that respectable order, too.
So, over all, this test basically put everything that I had in my head on paper and actually tangible. It is really interesting how much a test can tell you about yourself. I already knew a lot about me, but again, seeing it on paper really helps me see it.
Lisa, THANK YOU for telling me I’m not crazy. It was just really weird because that had never happened to those great proportions before.
Sarah, I think it’s a good idea to get plugged in with that lady you were talking about. She is a more tangible version of us on here. She may be more comforting. =]
Hey all, I hope we are having a wonderful day. If not, just look towards tomorrow as a look of hope for a new day. New day=new beginning=another chance to start over.
I went to receive my results from my career aptitude test. The results were not that surprising at all. Basically it said that I am a very conventional, yet social person. That means I enjoy processing data, yet I also enjoy instructing people. My interests lie (look at this.. weird.) in this order: Military activities, Office services, Religious activities, Teaching, and finally Music/drama. I thought this weird because well, I want to be in the Marines. The only jobs I have held were office positions. I am religious and enjoy partaking in religious activities. Teaching is my back burner job. Finally, I love music and being in plays or musicals. Weird, eh?
The occupations that most aligned with my interests based on others who have taken this test were really stupid.. they are nothing that I’d really want to do. So, I’m not going to waste much of your time.
I thought it very interesting that my skills kept coming up as conventional and social. The other choices being: artistic, enterprising, realistic, and investigative. They were always in that respectable order, too.
So, over all, this test basically put everything that I had in my head on paper and actually tangible. It is really interesting how much a test can tell you about yourself. I already knew a lot about me, but again, seeing it on paper really helps me see it.
Lisa, THANK YOU for telling me I’m not crazy. It was just really weird because that had never happened to those great proportions before.
Sarah, I think it’s a good idea to get plugged in with that lady you were talking about. She is a more tangible version of us on here. She may be more comforting. =]
im feeling really suidsdal at the moment- i keep thinking back to about what has happened to me over the past years- i don’t feel i belong here anymore, it feels as tho i have no one who understand me, and i have no one to talk 2 about anything, i just want someone to talk to who won’t leave me or gove up on me.
I really want to open up 2 someone- but i don’t np how to make anyone listen 2 me.
I just want my life to end sometimes, whats the point in life if u don’t enjoy it?
i feel as tho im losing a battle in my head- my ED is winning me over, he wants me to die…….. i feel so alone at the moment…. i so derpartly want someone to love me and care about me- and someone to talk to..
I love you and care about you Lisa, always will, you can email me if you want to talk or you can talk to me on here I dont mind, ill listen and I wont give up on you, ever.
We all hear those same voices as you are babe, its how we deal with them that matters.
Do you have an email address? I have to go out now but I can access my emails through my phone so email me if you want and I will reply as soon as I possibly can.
Im not leaving you, just need to go out but I always reply, always.
well about 3 years ago i was raped, and i can’t help but thinking about it- i have nightmares about it- i don’t no how to deal with it.. i feel like im so worthless and i blame myself, i feel like no one is ever going to want me… im so ashamed.
Babe dont be ashamed, its happened to me too, and I dont want to deal with my issues either.
You need to make a decision babe, and only you can make it, the same as I am the only one who can make mine, do you want to confront it? or run from it? I know its hard and I am struggling to make the choice myself, I am not going to lie to you that at the moment I dont know if I could seek help for what is going with me, but babe if you dont or if I dont, we will never move from where we are, we will be stuck where we are right now, feeling the way we feel.
yeah i no what you mean, i don’t want to be stuck like this for the rest of my life- but i don’t no how to get help….. who would ever want to help someone like me? im really not worth it. but babe u are so please try and get help, u are worth so much more… u are so much stronger than me, im weak.
i havent got the confidence to talk to anyone, i want my confidence back, i hate being shy and withdrawn all the time- but i dont no how to be like my old self, to be honest i dont really rember when i was my old self- it was that long ago.
Babe, you are sittinmg there telling me to do exactly what you need to do! Who would want to help me?? have ou read my life story on here? im messed up beyond belief!
you have proven you have the confidence to talk but because you just spoke about it quite clearly just then!
We both just need the courage to do what we know we need to do babe.
TS
xx.
P.S I dont know who I am either anymore, hence the twisted part of my name
im sure lots of people would want to help you hun. your so worth it. no i havent read my life story on here, i will read it- belive me im messed up too.
i no we need the courage to do what we need to do- i just takes time to attually get the courage to do it- but im sure one day we will both get the couarge to get the help we both need- but for now i don’t think im ready…..
Babe only you know when you are ready, we have to do it for ourselves otherwise there is no point. Right now just take each day as it comes and try the best you can, thats all any of us can do.
There isnt a post called my life story but my life story is written over various posts on here.
Im here if you need me Lisa, email or otherwise ill always reply as soon as I am able.
Just try and rest and conserve your energy for fighting each day babe, we are all doing the same thing.
have either of you tried to ring the free rape crisis line it is sorta like childline they just sit there and listen and dont judge. They dont force you to get help they just listen. Both of you are worth the chance of life. There are things beyond our control that mess us up beyond belief but it doesnt make you any less deserving to life then the person who has had a problem free life
Aisling– no i havent ever tryed ringing one of those helplines things, to be honest i dont think i would have the courage to…. on here its much eaiser.. coz you are just typing things– if u no what mean? i havent got much confidence to talk to people i no, so i dont think i would be able to talk to somone on the phone. but thanks anyway for ur advice hun,
take care xx
I’ve decided that tracking my calories on that website is not good for me. I find myself trying NOT to reach the goal I set for myself. I used to track my calories after I had my youngest son, but I was in a much healthier place back then. I was nursing him, and I knew that I had to eat a certain amount of calories in order to be able to do that. (sorry if that is TMI for anyone) I have backslide a lot these last few years. I can’t even remember when or how it started. I think I started reverting to old habits without even realizing it. Or without wanting to admit it to myself.
I will talk to my doctor at my appointment on Thursday, but for now, I’ve decided to stop tracking on-line. It’s too easy to let myself be proud for not reaching my goal.
miss A- sounds like u know what u are talking about- i think u have made the right desion- glad that you are also going to talk to your doctor. good luck . Hugs xx
well its 7.15am here- i have been up for 2 hour already- i am feeling so tired and weak after all my exersise this morning- i no i really shuldent have done any- im not feeling great about what i did last night- i ate a whole bowl full of ceral and milk and the purged it all ….. im feeling a little guilty for that- i did promice myself that the purging was not to happen anymore- that was the first time i did that in a month- i think because i was feeling real low last night- i think that triggered me- i wanted pain, i wanted to punish myself for feeling low, i dident want to be happy- i don’t derserve to be. well i better be off now- i have college today and need to get ready- i decided i wasen’t going to let anorexia stop me going to college again- so i am going to go to college 2 days a week from now on until i get better then i can go full time. Hope u all have a great day- will be on here later if i can,
Take Care -
love Lisa xxx
So, last night was the worst night I have had in a long time.
My head was pounding so hard that I felt like a train was passing our dorm and only I could hear the whistle. Every little thing was so loud to me.. I could hear the charges in my cell phone charger spitting out of the socket as my phone charged. I heard every little high pitched noise (as if I didn’t hear them before) but amplified about 3,000,000 watts. So, what do I do? I see that it is only 10:30 and I count out that if I went to sleep now, I’d be asleep for more than 8 hours before I had to get up for my 9:30 class. So, I take a sleeping pill.. and stumble to my bed.. forget that I have the top bunk.. almost fall out of bed.. then just lay there. We have a thing in our bed room (I have a two roomed dorm.. a study room and a bed room with a nice sound proof door in between) that we keep the door closed when someone is sleeping, but we don’t turn off the light until two people are sleeping. I knew that with the light on, I would never get to sleep. So, I turned off the light. I lay there in pain for an hour. my pills are supposed to help within 30 minutes. One of my room mates comes in and complains about the light being off and turns it on (this is the one that (obviously) doesn’t have much care for me). I ask her if, when she is done, she could turn the light off and close the door. She’s like, “ohh suuuure.” I lay there another hour. Now it is 12:30 and I am half awake half asleep. I start to cry because the pain in my head is so intense that I can’t even try to concentrate on sleeping. All of a sudden, I get a HUGE pain in my lower abdomen. It decides it wants to stay and hang out, too. So here I am, laying in bed with a horrible migraine and a randomly awkward pain that is shooting through out my body. My heart starts palpitating because I am stressing out and that causes my head to basically explode with pain because it is beating with my heart.
I wanted to take pain pills, but you aren’t supposed to with sleeping pills because when the medicines react, one or the other doesn’t work. I decided it was worth a shot. I stumble out of my bed, scared to death that because I am so woozy from my sleeping pill that I might fall and hurt myself even more. I get to my desk in the other room. Two of the three room mates are gone off doing something. Rachel, my basically best friend here was in the bathroom at the time. I half heartedly find my Tylenol (which I haven’t taken since who knows when) and I take two. I drink the entire water bottle and grab another and take it to bed with me. I fall while getting up in my bed this time, jammed my jaw as if you couldn’t add to my pain, eh?
I laid there for literally 5 hours. I didn’t get to sleep until 6 or so in the morning. I believe the only reason I fell asleep was because I was crying out in pain (quietly) and praying that I be taken away from this awful pain. I’m glad God decided to answer my prayer by allowing me to get at least 3 hours of sleep. It was the worst pain I have ever felt. Ever. I hope that it was better than child birth, though it probably isn’t even comparable.
I woke up this morning at 8:30, still in pain, but my head was feeling a lot better with just a mild headache. I also started my period.. yesterday which probably doesn’t help. I have really only had 6 periods in my life, starting about 2 years ago. The doctor forced out a period to test me and I found out I had Polycystical Ovarian Syndrome. So, they forced another one out of me so I could start on birth control. Since I have started, I have been on a month long period. After the 6th week of taking them, I am supposed to stop for two weeks to regulate everything out. Well, this is the beginning of those two weeks.. so I think that is why all of this happened.
Man, sorry for such a long post.. I really just needed to share that with someone though.
Lisa, good luck with your college experience, hun. If you allow it to be, it can be the best time of your life. College is a LOT of work, but you know what? In the long run, it is totally worth it. I’m proud of you for not purging your cereal. That’s really all it takes, one step at a time. I thought I’d never quit purging… here I am today saying I haven’t purged since March 31st. You can do it, too! I have faith in you.
Miss A, sounds like maybe you shouldn’t count calories yourself. Maybe keep a food log with out the calories attached to it? That helped me eat a little more each day. Then I wasn’t acknowledging the amount of calories, but the amount of nutrition or actual food intake.
Have a wonderful day, ladies. We all deserve one.
-Michelle
I know this is totally random but something just shocked me today and it kinda makes me real upset. I have recieved a lot of requests from girls to give them tips on how to “be” skinny which i just ignore but today i got an email from a girl who desperately wants to “be” anorexic. She Said “hi i saw your profile and i see you have anorexia and i’d just like to know how you catch anorexia because i have been trying for a while and i have not been successful” This email really upset me to think that people believe anorexia is something like a cold you can get it when you want and it will be gone in no time. I knew there were people out there that wanted to be skinny etc but it never occurred to me that people actually wanted this disease. It just shows you how messed up the world is when girls want to “be” anorexic. (using their terms). It just upset me so yeah thats my rant over
Michelle – I am so sorry you had such a rough night hun
MissA – i think you have made the right desiscion good you are talking to your doc but i think he will support your desiscion
Lisa – glad to hear your sticking with college that is defo a step towards recovery. The chat lines are not really that diff to typing i have tried them once and didnt like it at all but lots of people find those sort of lines helpful. but i understand what you mean
Sheridan- of course! have missed you while youv’e been away. but you are always welcome babe
Lisa- hun you are so strong and that took a lot of courage to share that. babe, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! i have never been there, so idk what to tell you. but i really do hope you can get the help you need. and that college goes alright for you. i know what it is like to feel like you need to feel pain to punish yourself, i am a cutter. but babe, you don’t deserve to hurt that way. im here if u ever wanna talk, alright? <3
Aisling- i know we were chatting bout that earlier, but i still just cannot understand that. who on earth would want this effed up disease? it is not glamorous and is not something you just ‘get’. you don’t just decide to have an ED. i hope they realise that and that they stop messaging you about it. that is awful.
Michelle- hun are you feeling any better?? i am so sorry you were hurting so badly last night. *hugs* i hope that you get some sleep tonight. with no pain.
MissA- how’s it going babe? i’m glad you decided to do what is best for your recovery and stop doing the calorie counter. i can see how it would be triggering and making you want to go less cals than set.
TS- how are you doing? better i hope. hun about that show woman, you do not need to change a thing about yourself. you are gorgeous and trying to lose anymore weight would just make you sicker. and we definitely do not want that.
Kim, Mrs.B., Laura- how are you all? hope to hear from you soon.
Aisling.. don’t be mad at me, but I used to be one of those girls. I kind of felt like I had to say that. But it was more so after I already developed the disease. Mostly it was because I wanted to know what others were doing, so I guess you could have called me pro-ana for quite some time. I thought what I was doing was the only way to happiness and if others were achieving it more quickly than I was, I wanted to know how it was possible. I feel simply awful for it now, but that wasn’t until I came to understand that it was a disease. Maybe you should straighten it out with anyone who asks you of these things.
Sarah, thanks for the concern. All day today was torture.. my head was still pounding, and when I woke up I felt so drowsy. I don’t know what was up with me.. I think it might have been a case of day-sickness, only.. at night. I’m feeling somewhat better now, my stomach just hurts and I have this awful taste in my mouth. My body is going insane on me right now! haha
Sheri! I’m so glad to hear from you.. please ask for help whenever you want dear! You can leave and come back as often as you please. =]
I am starting to get a hold of math again.. but it just hit me today how much I have to do tomorrow. I am going to New York City late Thursday night and not coming back until about 3/4 in the morning on Monday.. so I don’t have the weekend to do anything. I have a 10 minute presentation in Spanish on Monday at 10:45, so I think I might try to work on that as much as possible.. but before that, I have my Macroeconomics homework due by 9 am on Thursday and a Calc 5 midterm at 7:30 Thursday night! I also still need to pack.. and man I just have so much to do and not enough time. This is when I read this prayer: Lord, I have too much to do, but it is all important. Help me to set priorities so that I don’t feel lost in the pace and pressure. Give me the wisdom and the energy to accomplish what’s necessary without wasting time or effort. Help me make the best use of my day, remembering that time is a precious gift from you. Amen.
I hope to sleep tonight, as last night I obviously did not get much at all.
Love you all,
Michelle
Michelle, I hope you have a peaceful night. I suffer from migraines so I know how debilitating they can be.
Aisling, I know it is upsetting to have girls asking you for tips, but they are just ignorant. Unless someone has an ED, they can not know how horrible a disease it is.
Sheridan, you can always ask for help. I have been wondering how you are doing.
Sarah, I have one work to say to you: kink
Anyone who I may have missed: I hope you are all doing okay.
To put it simply: my weight is fluxing, I’m exhausted, my heart is beating itself out of its chest and lands me in the ER every few days (pulse too fast- resting at 126, working at 189) and it’s speeding up.
I’m trying to take care of myself- but it’s hard.
Please, just be there with me, no matter what happens? I’m scared.
Well, today is Wednesday and it is my last open day to get work done. Tomorrow is going to be very busy for me. Last night I didn’t sleep a wink because my ex boyfriend was trying to convince me to get back with him until 6 in the morning. I have a 9:30 class so I just went on a run then took a shower. Well, here I am now, tired.. but staying awake because I have so much to do. I leave for New York City Thursday night at midnight. I’ll be there computerless until Monday morning. So, I’ll have to let you guys know how it goes. So, this is my farewell for like 5 days . But, I’ll be back later. My e-mail is lewis8097@yahoo.com if you want to exchange phone numbers over e-mail or something if you have texting? I don’t know. But, I just wanted to wish you guys well and take care of yourselves while I’m gone. =]
Love you all!
-Michelle
xoxo
Michelle i am used to other anorexics asking me for tips etc but it was the fact that i had a complete randomer ask me how to “become” anorexic (their words). I think there is a difference between pro ana and wanting anorexia. Pro ana is usually between other suffers exchanging tips etc but wanareexics are people who have never experienced it and just want anorexia as some sort of trend or something and that what really annoyed me so i think you are different although i dont like pro ana it is still very different. Have a nice trip in Newyork
Sheri – i think i speak for everyone when i say nobody will abandon you here
MrsB how are things with you?? how is your daughter?? havent heard from you in a while?
Nats hun you are still in my thoughts
anyone i missed i am sorry and hopefully you are all in uber spirits
x x x x
Michelle- hope ur night is better 2night:) and i hope u have a great trip 2 new york. Talk soon, Take care, xx
Aisling- yeah u are right about pro ana and wanarexics being completely different- i get people emailaling me about tips and stuff and i hate it. But never got anyone asking me how to become anorexic- but heard about it– why would someone want to become anorexic???? thats mad- its complete hell… they need that drummed into them…. but i bet at least a few of the people who want anorexia has a little bit of a eating issue anyway- but not a full blown ED. The best thing to do with those emails is just ignore them, hope ur okay??? Take Care hun xx
Well my day started off great got up at 5am as usal and did my hours exersise as normal and then i had the urge to have some breakfast and purge it– but i did a good thing i ate it.. took me 45 mins, but i did it… and then i felt i couldent purge it because it took such a effort to eat, so i dident purge my ceral- was a real achievement for me- but after breakfast it all started going down hill for me- i went to college and went for my first lesson- which was fine at first… but then we had a different tutor for the lesson that known of us knew.. she made a remark to the class room assistant about me- that i wasent supossed to hear, but i culd see them both looking at me while they were talking- the tutor was asking why i was so “skinny and white” and then said is she another one of those anorexic girls on a stupid diet? this really upset me, but i held it in until the lesson ended and said to the college nurse that i felt ill and went home,i felt so down that i started cutting myself on my arms- i hate people talking about me behind my back, why couldent she just say it to my face rather than trying to say stuff without me hearing- o how i hate this world- why do i have to have this stupid disease- why can’t i be “normal”. I fear that im never going to be normal ever, and i fear that im never going to be appcetpted by anyone- im just nothing- i don’t deserve to be happy and loved. sorry for the long post- just needed to let some anger and my thoughts out.
Sheri– babe of course ur allowed to come on here, we have missed you so much, im here wenever u need to talk hun, i care about u so much, how has ur day been 2day? hope to talk soon
Michelle, have fun on your trip. I hope you get some rest before you have to leave.
Lisa, be proud of yourself for what you accomplished today. I’m sorry about the people at school. They are insensitive jerks. Ignore them.
Aisling, how are you today? Well, I hope.
It will be four weeks tomorrow that I have been feeling sick. I have had some better days, but today has not been one of them. My head started hurting last night, and has continued to hurt today. When I bend over the left side of my head hurts really badly. Sometimes it hurts when I move my head. I’ve tried taking something for it, but it hasn’t helped. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning, so hopefully I will get some answers then.
Nats, please email me, text me, or leave me a message here. You know how I worry about you. I will try to be on yahoo as much as I can. I love you.
Sheri, Laura posts here still occasionally. I’m not sure how often she comes here though.
I’m not sure what is wrong with me. I’ve been sick for weeks, but I go to the doctor tomorrow. I didn’t like my last doctor, so I found a new one. Only problem is I had to wait weeks to get an appointment. Hopefully I’ll find out more tomorrow.
Guys,
I am sorry I have been gone so much lately. It’s been a busy time. Mostly good. Tonight I went to my son’s high school awards program. It was really pretty funny. He had nothing to wear. I came flying home at 5:30, we ran him to the mall, bought shirt, tie, socks, pants, belt, shoes and got him to the program at 6:30. It was fun. He was scholar/athlete, top 10% and National Spanish language award. I feel like he gets ignored because my daughter is so ill, but he’s so laid back. He seems fine.
Sheri,
You are WELCOME to write to me: debrockman@aol.com
Write ANY time.
Ais,
I’m fine. My daughter is doing well. She decided on her own that she wanted to postpone moving out on her own for a month. I’m relieved. And I think that she was very responsible to have made that choice. She is doing so much better living with friends right now. They love her and she doesn’t feel as much pressure.
Lisa,
One of the great things about getting old is this. You begin to believe in yourself for BEING yourself. What other people think really stops being too important. Remember this. If someone talks behind your back, who really has the problem? As a Christian I know that I am to have a gentle tongue and Love others. Particulary those who I know are struggling. Right? If I tread on those who are weaker than I am, what does it say about my soul? Try to keep in mind that this life is a struggle for everyone, Lisa. But those of us who continue to show love toward others will be victorious. You are doing great. I’m proud of you for keeping up the fight.
MissA……hope you’ve FINALLY got the right doctor. You’ve had too much of a struggle. It is time you get a break, girlfriend. You are such a sweetheart. You DESERVE a break. I’m praying on that one.
Nats,
I love you. I hope you are doing OK.
Sarah….how are you honey? I’ve missed talking to you!
sarah,
I’m sorry last night was hard. I remember my daughter’s bad nights and they terrified me. I’m sorry, honey. I hope that tomorrow is a better day.
Shelly,
How are you doing. The last time you wrote you sounded kind of down.
Kim,
I know you are really busy, but I look forward to your next post.
Hello all.
Mrs.B. – it was nice to hear from you, its been a few days. i hope you are doing alright
Sheridan- babe i am so sorry you are hurting. what is going on? we are here for you and love you. tace care.
MissA- you make me laugh =] hehe kink
and thanks for being there to chat
Lisa- how you doing hun? i hope better. i know its hard but you cant let people like that get you down. what they think doesnt matter. have a good time at college.
Nats- i love you soo much. please check in and tell us how you are doing. hope you are doing alright
Ailing- hey babe. whats up? ily
soooo, yeah. last night just basically sucked. i had not eaten in a few days and my heart is being a bit weird again, so i made myself eat 60 cals. every bite was agonizing and horrible and all i could think about was how it is going to turn straight to fat. i wanted so bad to just throw it out and continue with my starve. because i am losing even more weight, which did kind of make me happy. there is always a bit more to lose though, no matter how much i starve myself. and i just felt so repulsive putting food in my mouth. i have been feeling a bit ill the last few days. sick and dizzy and stuff. but im alright, have not passed out or anything. just thought i would put that on here.
well- school work time.
love you all- always
Hi all,
Sorry I have been busy and not around as much.
Nats, define ok. How are you feeling? How is your eating? Do you have a support system in place? Are you staying with someone? I am not trying to interfere in your life, we all just care about you and want you safe and well. Take care of you!
Sheridan, share with us what is going on. Do you have a support system there? If not can you call your doctor to refer you to a therapist? We are here, you are not alone.
Miss a, what did you find out at the doctor today? I hope you found some answers and they come with solutions. It is no fun to be in pain. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xxx
Michelle, I think you will find what you are meant to do, the answer will come to you. For now, do your very best to take care of you.
Lisa, I hope you are doing well and taking good care of yourself.
Sarah, how have you been doing? Update us. I have been thinking of you.
Mrs. B, I have missed chatting with you. How is Jes? How are you? I hope things are moving forward and progressing well. I love your hope and inspiration. You help me see the positive side of things and feel hopeful. thanks, xxx
Shelly, How are you doing today? I hope you are having a wonderful day and you find time today to do something nice for you. Know that I am here for you, anytime! xxx
aisling, how are you today? I am glad I am getting to know you here.
As for me, I am learning alot at work and finding that when I close at 8pm it usually means sometime after 9pm, but that also means I am doing well. I have been keeping my sales equal to where the other sales reps are so that makes me feel good. There is tons to learn and I feel I am a quick learner, especially given that the way they train is to just throw you in. The hardest part for me is sticking to my meal plan because when we are busy they dont let you leave. I have dropped some weight since starting and it has continued. I know I have to stay on top of this but am finding it hard to get it done. And to be honest, seeing numbers fall on the scale makes me feel happy even though I know it is not healthy. I know I dont want to be where I have been as I know when I was at my lowest I was not happy. I am looking for a balance and need to find it quickly. I am more active at this job so probably need to work even harder to get in my calories to maintain health. I am struggling with it but very aware. My parents left on vacation April 1 and I have dropped 10 pounds since that date. They come home on or around May 15 so I am working to get on track. Wish me luck. Thanks all for letting me share. It helps keep me honest and aware and accountable.
Take care all!! Love ya, xxxkim
nats, I missed you too. You know you are my friend and being such I automatically worry when I think a friend may be in trouble or in need of help. I do care about you and want you to have support (other then just yourself) there around you. You always have us here, but I think you need more there. I have the day off today so am headed out to run some errands then I need to go to work for just a few hours to close a deal then I will be back. You hang in and try to do something nice (and healthy) for you today. I look forward to talking to you later. Love ya, Kim
Mrs. B, I have missed you. It is good to hear from you. Congrats to your son for his accomplishments.
Sarah, I am proud of you for trying to eat. I know it is hard, but keep trying. I think you are starting to realize that thinner doesn’t equal happier. Keep working at it and take care of yourself.
Kim,sounds like you have been very busy. It is good that you realize what you need to do to take care of yourself. That is the first step to getting better.
Sheri, how are you today?
Nats, I love you.
I went to the doctor this morning. It went okay. No answers yet. I’m scheduled to have an MRI of my head next Wednesday. When I tried to talk to her about some other things, she basically said “one thing at a time”. She was very nice, but I was still kind of disappointed. If I take one thing at a time, I’ll have to make 20 more appointments just to discuss what is going on. I hate that doctors schedule so many patients in one day that they only give you about 15 minutes to discuss what is wrong with you. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. I guess I’ll wait to see how the MRI turns out, then move on to the next issue.
Sarah that is how my nephew pronounces my name =P I am so sorry to hear you are having such a rough time I wish I could just pop over to America and give you a bear hug I loff you x
Nat sweetie it is so good to hear from you, I was worried you are such an angel and deserve the best
MrsB I am so glad to hear from you and that your daughter is doing so well hopefully she will continue to make progress and one day be free from these demons. I am glad you had a good time at your sons awards.
Kim it is good to get to know you too you are so nice. It sounds like you are extremely busy and hopefully you will be able to regain control of your well being.
MissA glad you went to the doc but yup I hate the way that it almost feels like all they are thinking about is the next patient and your still in the room.
Sheri hun I am so sorry you are in so much pain
Lisa hun ily and it is horrible to hear people talk about you but remeber you are better then them do not let them beat you
ts – how are you? i hope you are good
Well as for me I have been feeling extremely guilty which is why it took so long to post. I was dreading going to a bbq my friends organised cause the only reason they did was to see if I was still eating without making it look like they did it for that reason. But part of me wanted to go and show them there is nothing wrong with me and that their suspicions would be gone. Then after almost a week of not purging I purged everything I had been forced to eat while they were watching me. A part of me wanted them to just confront me and I would not even have tried to deny it but I also felt happy when they didn’t cause I got away with it. Lately I hate who I have become I have become exactly who I swore I would never be again. I am lying to my friends, I have begun to use my nieces and nephews in ways to hide my ed and I hate myself for it. Recently my mams drinking has become out of control and my little brother is looking to me for support which icannot give because i am so weak. I have become weak from constant starvation but I do not want to change. All i do nowadays is cry I enjoy the suffering my body is experiencing I feel I deserve it My ed is all I have left it has seen me through everything I cannot and do not want to get rid of it does that make me a horrible person?
I am sorry for such a long post and i ahvent even re read over it so i dunno if it even makes sense but if i do not post it now i never will
MissA,
That is a frustrating fact of medicine…the lack of time that doctors have to give. I wish we had an answer to that. I do know that doctors are totally overwhelmed. My husband works 80 hours a week every week. But there are 5000 too few Radiologists in the US and since it takes 13 years to train a Radiologist, there just is a huge undersupply and it will take a long time to fix. And it is true of most specialties. And primary care is even worse. Medicine is a catastrophe. My husband wishes every day that he has gone into dentristry If we don’t do something about illegal immigration I don’t know what we will do…between the insured people paying for the costs of the uninsured and the lack of supply of medical people….well, it’s a tough problem. One that universal healthcare will only complicate. I hear that it takes up to 3 years to schedule a physical in Massachusetts where the state has implemented universal care. No easy answers.
Ais,
Sometimes I feel like there is a passive aggressive anger among many people with EDs. Bottom line, when someone pretends to be fine and then purges, it FEELS like a very in your face act to the people who love you. The smiley face at the party, followed by the purging session seems like a slap in the face to people who only want to care for you. Next time that you suspect that someone is trying to force you to eat, maybe try honesty. Let them know how uncomfortable the situation is and that you appreciate their concern. I hate to sound preachy, but I experienced many of these kinds of events from the other end of an ED. My daughter would eat and eat and eat and act like the big party girl, only to purge later. It was horrifying knowing that she could kill herself that way. Even though I know that an ED is complicated and that you are trying to hurt yourself more than others, it does hurt others. Maybe help you and help them. Be honest and try not to put yourself in these dangerous situations.
Sarah,
I’m proud of your for trying to eat, too!
Kim,
Please don’t put “performance” above life. We all care about you. You are way more important than your car sales, though….remember that, please.
i have these weird sharp pains in my stomach- i have fainted 3 times in the last hour and a bit- dnt no whats wrong wid me, i have taken painkilers but nothing has worked, feel like im gona pass out again soon, my head is spinning- i feel sick but every time i rush 2 the bathroom nothing comes out- its really strange these pains they keep on getting worse every now and then, i feel like im gona be sick everytime they come- i just want them to go away.
babe, do you think you would be able to go and get yourself checked out? I know your scared but at least then youwould know whats wrong and what will stop it
i can’t- what if they find out somethings wrong? im so scared… i dont want any more pain- i no i derserve it- but i just want it to stop for a while at least till 2morow- i need some sleep.
if i did get checked out they would tell my parents and i dont want them finding out about my pains, they will just say its my own fault as they always do.
You can either sit there in this pain and put up with it for longer, or you can risk getting checked out and getting help for it. You could just phone your local gp and ask them what it could be, you dont have to go down there, just phone and ask what they suggest you do to stop the pain
well i just rang my GP- not good news really. he told me to go to hospital to get myself checked out because he doesent like the sound of my smptoms- he thinks it could be bad- not sure im going to go or not tho..
I know your scared but I do think you should at least get yourself checked out, at least then you can get something to stop the pain. And the hospital cant tell your parents as its private and confidential unless you give them permission.
Lisa babe you NEED to get that checked out. that is really not good. hun please help yourself. the hosp can hopefully help with those pains and see what is going on.
<3
im not sure what im going to do really- im on the fence about this one, one side of me is telling me to go and the other is telling me not too beacause i dont derserve help- i do really want help- my my brain is winning me over… i don’t want them to find something bad again, i dont want to have 2 be in hospital again, i hate it.
im not sure what to do really- what do u suggest? could i just leave it till the morning and go then?
babe this is something you need to decide for yourself but I think you should go down there, got checked out and then see what they suggest, you have nothing to lose by going down there, and if you dont like what they are suggesting then you dont have to do it but you should give it a chance babe, really you should.
But again its your choice and im here for you regardless.
well i guess you are rite TS- what have i got to lose- but what ever happens im not going to stay there for the night. im so scared wish i had someone with me, i dont want to be alone.
i just hope everything is ok– im so so scared- why do i have 2 be so ill, why can’t i stop hurting myself by starving myself then i wouldent always be ill!
well i will go down there now, and hopefully if all is ok by 2morow i will be on here, if not then il try and be on here over the weekend to let you know whats going on.
Talk soon i hope, take care of urself hun, love u .
Mrs. B, I know doctors are very busy because there is a shortage of healthcare workers in the US. I understand, but I was still disappointed. I was hoping she would be able to do something for the pain I am in. It would be nice to at least schedule some tests to try to find out what is going on, not just what is going on in my head. It’s depressing to think that if I have to take things one at a time, it will take me months to go through what is wrong with me now. What else will go wrong with me while I am patiently waiting for help? It’s just really depressing. I want help. I’m tired of living like this. I finally get up the courage to seek help and I have to wait. Depressing to say the least.
MissA,
I completely understand. I get frustrated by it too. I’m not dealing with physical pain, but I know that with my daughter, I feel like there are numerous issues impacting her mental health and nobody has the time to sit and talk about all of them together and figure out a comprehensive plan. We get medicine tweeks. I’m sure it is MORE frustrating when you are dealing with physical pain. I’m really sorry.
MrsB I know how wrong it is to backstap my friends because they truly are the only ones who care about me. I do not usually purge because I used to a lot and tore something inside me and was in hosp for a while and it was painful so I don’t. But I felt like I had to yesterday to punish myself for eating. Usually I tend to avoid eating and fast a lot but my friends were getting suspicious thinking I was turning back to old ways and they were right but I couldn’t say it so I went to try and show them I was ok even though I know I’m not. I don’t know why I did it but I did. It kills me to have to be so distant with them and all I seem to do is push them away I am not worth their kindness. They do not deserve a friend like me. I know what I did was wrong but I cant stop.
Lisa hun take care of urself and I’m glad you are looking to get help.
MissA Do not lose faith in getting help from the doctors. I know how hard it is to seek help but dont let it set you back.
Lisa how did you get on babe? I hope your ok and I hope to haer from you soon to let me know how you got on. You made a big step babe and im proud of you and you should be proud of yourself.
Sarah, Mrs B,Mielle, Miss A, Aisling, Sheridan, all of you, you are great and you are all doing great! I know you are all struggling with one thing or another but you are all fighting, and that is amazing to see!
We just need to track down Laura now, Laura = a_mother = maybe4me
Emily is out of hospital now and is back at home but still has a tube in her stomach, but is getting better slowly. She wants you all to know that she misses u all very much and that she will be on here again very soon.
Lisa- babe i hope ur ok- please come on here when u can and tell us that u are ok, ur in my thoughts. x
Laura– Where are u hun??? have missed u on yahoo- really hope that ur ok- x
hope ur all ok and that uve all had a good day- talk soon,
So do you wanna share whats up or you want to keep that to yourself? ITs fine if you do, just that it worried me is all.
I am kind of glad you are still in the hospital although I know it it were me in your position I would be going nuts! And you probably are but im proud of you for making the steps that you have!.
Im always here to talk babe, no problem.
Im not great, not feeling very happy at moment but its ok im sure ill drag myself out of it.
well i was admitted to hospital wen they checked me out- they said that im very dehydrated and that my organs are failing even more than they was before- they say that one of my kidneys is nearly useless so i need a op to remove it because its failing- the stomaach pains and fainting was coz of dydration- i fitted twice since i have been her coz of lack of food apparently. im hooked up to all of these stupid machines, and had to have a tube thro my nose to get food into me, which i have ripped out- i dont want food in me. but they just said that they will have to sew it into my stomach if i keep on ripping it out- but im not going to let them put any tube into me. i tryed to get out of here this morning but i just collapsed on the floor before i could even get out of the ward- i hate it here, ur rite it is driving me nuts and i just want to get out of here- i will get out of here soon, im not staying – no chance.
they say i have computer acsess if i stay in my bed so i will stay in my bed until i feel strong enough to go home- and i also want acsess to talk on here, i need u hun, please dont give up on me….
im so sorry to hear that ur not feeling great at the moment- do u want to talk about it? im here if u do hun, i will be on here 2nite about 9-10pm (UK time) not sure if ur in the us or the uk. but i hope i will talk 2 u later hun,
I know you hate it there and I certainly can understand why, but believe me when I say you do NOT want that tube in your stomach! I have been there and done it and its horrible, so babe please just try and leave your one alone where it is until you feel stronger.
Regarding the computer time, I was the same as you too, I hated not having communication to this place, its like my life!!
Im not going to give up on you babe, that will never happen, you need me and ill be here for you as much as I possibly can.
Good morning everyone =]
over here in ohio it is beautiful and sunshiney out
and sunshine puts me in a good mood so woooo! lol
Lisa- I am glad to hear you are in hosp. i was worried! please try to keep that tube in. it is awful but you need it to get better and to leave hosp. good luck hun!
Twistsis- Hun I am really hoping you are alright. i wish i could lessen the pain of all the crap you are dealing with. stay strong. and i am here if you need me alright. love you.
MissA- hey babe. whats up? i actually smiled when i came to your name =P kink haha. i am sorry to here about the docs. hopefully they will be able to figure out what is wrong soon and get rid of that pain. have a good day hun.
Aisling- hey girl. whats goin on with you my friend? i hope you are doing better then when i talked to you a couple days ago. babe you do desserve your friends and they need and love you as much as you need and love them. please try to be honest with them. ED wants you to get away with lying and faking that you are alright when you arent. good luck babe. ily
Mrs.B., Sheridan, Brooke- how are you all doing? good i hope =]
Laura- where you been??
Michelle- i hope you are havin fun on your trip!
well today i am going to have lunch with family friends. i am a bit nervous. because the 11 yr old girl always watches what i eat and says she feels fat around me and all that. but i am going to try hard just to have fun like everyone else. but i am just so worried because i have to eat today and tomorrow. we are eating with the whole fam for mothers day. and my mom says it is good because i need to eat ‘fatty and buttery’ food. ughhhh. she keeps complaining about her own weight. but im not allowed to complain about mine. she has been forcing me to eat a bit and i have gained a pound and a half this week! she said it is because even the littlest amount of food will make me put on weight because my body is starving. i dont even know what to do because i do not want to go back to purging. i will figure somethin out i dunno.
Regardless…
What can you do,
When the poems don’t come?
When you’re angry, upset
But there is no release?
Do you write anyway?
Just put down words?
In hopes that it will work
To get rid of the hurt.
It would be nice
To always have words
Describing, filling
Being the pain
Removing it from you
Taking it away
So you can smile
So you can breathe…
Accomplishment gives you joy.
Logic takes it away.
Your own emotion gives it back.
Someone Else takes it away.
A poem stops the see-saw
And your joy is yours again.
my dad. he came over just now. right when my mom left. i hate him so much!!! he is not even supposed to be here, he is on paroll!! my stomach like turned over. oh god. why cant he just leave and never come back?!?! and- he got permission from his paroll officer to come over to my aunt’s house tomorrow for mothers day. we all hate him. my cousins arent even allowed to be in the same place he is. why is he coming. why cant he leave us alone!! but at least i will be safe, my whole fam will be there. i hate this! i hate him!!!
Lisa, I am glad you decided to go to the hospital. I know you hate the tube and want to leave, but please try to leave it in. It is what your body needs right now to get better.
Brooke, It is great news to hear Emily is out of the hospital. We will all be here for her when she gets back.
Aisling, How are you hun? Don’t worry, I won’t give up on trying to get help. I was frustrated and disappointed the other day, but I won’t give up. I know it will not be a quick fix, I was just hoping it would be quicker than it is going to be. I’ll be okay.
Sarah, I’m sorry your dad has shown up like he has. Is there something the police can do to make him stay away? I do hope you are okay.
Sheri, I know you are hurting. We are here for you.
Nats, please let us know how you are doing.
Has anyone heard how Shelly is? I hope she is okay.
I’ve had people asking me questions the last few days about my eating. I have lost weight in the last couple of weeks and people are starting to wonder what I am doing. I admit my eating has not been the greatest, but I have not been completely starving myself either. Someone asked me today if I am taking pills. I have taken pills in the past, but I am not taking anything now. It does feel good that people are noticing I am losing weight, but I don’t like that they are questioning me. I have been binging a lot lately and have gained weight. It’s not like I couldn’t stand to lose weight, so what is the problem?
Sarah-
i hope ur ok.. is there anything ur family can do to get ur dad away from u? good luck with the family meal- sure ur be ok, just think positive- u can do this hun- u are strong- let us know how it goes, take care xx im ok thanks hun, emily has been asking about you all- she say’s that she will make a account on here and come on here within the next few days.
Lisa-
please try and stay in the hospital- its for the best, i no u are scared but listen lisa- u wont get any better if u dnt get help from people, we are all here for u no matter what, but u do need some help from the hospital we dnt want u getting any worse, we are all worried about u hun. please try and leave the tube in hun, u really dont want the tube in ur stomach its not nice, emily has that in her stomach and she hates it- she ripped it out from her stomach once and really hurt herself, its better if u just have the normal tube in ure nose. if u do well over some time in the hospital then im sure that they will let u out soon and then have regular support from threapists. let us know how u are wen u r nxt on the computer, take care hun, x x
miss A– how are u babe? im sorry to say – that people will question u wen they see u hav lost weight- i no its not nice tho- maybe u could just try and change the subject wen they ask things about ur weight and eating? are u getting help from threapists ?
TS- how are u hun? hav u had a good day? xx
laura-Mrs B- Shelly -Kim- where are u all? hope ur all okay??? xx
Nats please let us know that u are ok, we are worried about u. xx
Sheridan, How are you doing today? I’m sorry you are dealing with so much right now. I hope things get better for you.
Brooke, I was seeing a therapist up until this past February. I was going to talk to my doctor about my ed, but I didn’t have time. She is more worried about what is causing my headaches right now.
sorry i dident come on here last nite, something bad happened- i was really i went nuts about having the tube in me and being here in this hospital, so i left- bus dident get very far because on of the nurses spotted me – and she said that i shouldent leave, i wasent going to go back until she talked to me for a while- it took like an hour until i attually went bk to the ward- im really not feeling good about being back here- i just want to get out of here- i want them to let me die- i dont wana be here anymore, i dont derserve to.
sheri- how r u hun? i really hope ur ok- stay strong hun- i no its hard, but u dererve to get better, u all do. im here if u wana talk. take care xxx
Brooke- i no i dnt want a tube in my stomach- but i dont want a tube in my nose either! how is emily doing? i am looking forwards to talking to here soon. how are u doing with all of this? it must be hard for u, ur a brillant mother to stick by emily and help her like u are. take care, send my love 2 emily. xx
TS – Sarah – Miss A- Aisling- how are u all doing?? hope ur all okay. ur all so great- stay strong girls, u can fight this- take care, talk soon i hope, xxx
Nats babe- im really worried about u, please let us no how u are doing. xx
Everyone,
I had a good couple of days with my daughter. Friday we went to the bookstore (her favorite place in the world). We came back home and watched, “What Not to Wear” – our favorit “watch together” show. It was nice. She hung out at home Saturday (sleeping a lot – she’s been working alot on her ex boyfriend’s house – painting, cleaning, etc.) and then she went back to his house on Saturday night.
She’s doing pretty well. She decided she is going to take a job at home, working for me, this summer….driving her brother where he needs to go, helping with housework, taking care of our yard and our dogs…that kind of stuff. It will be low pressure although sometimes being around family is high pressure. But she always has a place she can retreat to….her ex’s house. Really, that seems to work pretty well.
I’m anxious for her first appt. with her counselor to start working on CBT for her anxiety. I really pray that she finds relief. I’m also going to talk to her ex about helping her find a church she likes. She misses the church she always went to, but it is so far away from her ex’s house.
Lisa, Please try to relax while you start to get better. We couldn’t seem to keep Nats in the hospital. She’s in bad shape because she won’t let anyone help her. Please don’t follow in her footsteps.
Sarah, How are you doing, sweetheart? I haven’t heard much from you lately. I know you have had a rough patch. I’m thinking about you.
Sheri, You still haven’t told us what is going on with you. You have me worried to death.
MissA – When is your next doctor’s appt? If you asked the nurse to schedule you some extra time when you schedule, maybe you could get a chance to talk about everything. I do think that one of the most broken things about our health care system is that the doctors are so crazy busy that they don’t have time to look at everything all together. I think with my daughter, if someone took the time to talk with her about her hormonal issues and her post traumatic stress issues and her ED all together, she would get better faster. I feel like we bounce around providers and nobody gets the complete picture. Very frustrating. But it boils down to a system of specialists who are all overscheduled. It’s a mess.
Kim, Shelly….you guys are my strength and my inspiration. Stay in touch. I know that you are both really busy.
Lisa, I am glad you decided to stay in the hospital. Please try to leave your tube in. I know it is hard, but it is what you need right now to get better.
Mrs. B, I don’t have another appointment scheduled with my doctor yet. I was going to wait to see how the MRI turns out, then schedule an appointment to discuss other issues. When I call I will ask the nurse to schedule extra time for me to talk to the doctor. I hope you have a happy Mother’s Day.
mrs. b, missa, a_mother, and mamav, I hope you each have a very wonderful and loving mother’s day!! I love each of you so much and you have each given me so many gifts of your love. Thank you! To everyone else, I hope you have a wonderful day as well and have an opportunity to spend the day with your mother or loved ones. My mom is still out of town but I did talk to her on the phone and we will celebrate when she gets home.
Mrs. b, you are what gives me strength, hope and inspiration!! Thank you!! love you, xxxkim
Shelly, I have loved getting to chat with you more and getting to know you better. I am glad to call you friend. You have been a great inspiration to me and have helped me to grow in my recovery. Thanks!! Take care of you!! Love ya, xxxkim
Good morning all.
I have to type quickly, i have to leave for school.
Just wanted to tell you all that the family lunch went okay yesterday. I mostly stayed up in my cousin’s room and avoided everyone. Then we ate. I had some carrots and a roll. Then watched a movie with my cousins. Thats about it. I did not speak to my father. didnt even go in the same room. so it was alright. It would have been so easy to purge when i was upstairs by myself- but i didnt!
Lisa- babe please try to stay in hospital and relax. i know it is hard but it is necessary to get better. stay strong xx
MissA- hows it goin babe? thanks for stayin up with me last night. <3
Brooke- how are you doing? how is emily? i hope you are both doing alright. thanks for the concern, im alright tho.
Sheridan- what is going on hun? whatever you are dealing with, we are all here for you. *hugs*
Mrs.B.- i am glad to hear your daughter is doing better atm. =] im sure she will continue to get better. you seem such a good mom.
kim- hey girl! havent heard from you in a while. how are you doing? i know you have been quite busy. have a good day
So, I just wanted to give a quick update.. I haven’t been able to catch up on everyone, but I have to go to class here in a short while.
Basically I was by myself all the time except for when I slept and the one thing the whole group did together per day.. and it was the most amazing thing I have ever done. Just getting alone in some place that I didn’t know very well allowed me to really be free of distractions. It really helped me learn more about myself. How independent I really am. The scariest thing was just that. I realized that I wouldn’t have had fun if someone else came with me. I would have been annoyed, or maybe they wouldn’t have wanted to do the things I did. Maybe I was meant to live in solitude. Not alone, but in solitude. I know I’ll never be alone. I’ll have my coworkers, my classmates, you guys, my family and God. But maybe I was never meant to have a family. Or maybe I am just scared to have one and I am just saying this so I will convince myself that it is ok to live by yourself.
Anyway, I went to the Empire State Building, Ground Zero, basically all of Downtown Manhattan Island, Battery Park, the Museum of Modern Art, the Apple Store on fifth Ave. , Central Park, the Museum of Biblical Arts, and so much more. I have a ticket to see the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, but the line was FAR longer than I expected! It was like 2 miles long!! So, since I didn’t have enough time to do that, I found out that my ticket is actually good for 180 days! So, I might go back in the summer sometime to check out that and take more photos. I wasn’t able to take as many photos as I wanted because my camera failed to charge with the charger that I had. It doesn’t take normal batteries, either so that was a sad day on Sunday when I couldn’t take any photos. Being in New York and going to school in Columbus really helped me realize that I do want to work so badly in a big city. Maybe not live, I haven’t decided on that one yet, but definitely work.
Anyway..
I am going to class now. I have a presentation for Spanish about Diego Rivera (famous muralist). Then when I get back, I’ll jump back on here and catch up on everything and reply accordingly.
=]
Part of me is glad to be back, the other part is so upset and wants to be in the big city again. Oh well. *shrug*
Hi everybody
I cant stay long. I am currently not living at home and just stopped by while everyone is out to get a few things. Right now things have not been good family wise and I thought it was best to just leave. I am staying in one of my close friends studio apartment, so needless to say it’s a bit cramped lol. I had a huge fight with my mother over her drinking and how she treats my younger siblings and I thought it would be best to give us all some breathing time all I hope is I made the right decision. My younger brother is still at home by himself which I discovered today so I have phoned my eldest sister to come and take him while I’m gone. I do not trust my parents to look after him properly and he doesn’t deserve to be punished for my mistakes. I don’t know how long I will be there but until then take care everyone. I will miss you all and hopefully I will be back on before the end of the week. I love you all and hope things are going well for everyone. I have not read the comments above mine so I only hope everything has gone ok for you lisa and you are still in hospital where you need to be. Sarah I hope things were not too rough for you this weekend. MrsB, MissA I hope you both had a wonderful mothers day you deserve it. Nats hun I hope you are ok? Lisa, Michelle, Ts, Sheri, Kim I hope all of you are ok?
Michelle- really glad that ur trip went well, went to new york once and loved it! would go there again- what was the weather like? must of been real hot? its good you had some time to urself to do what ever you like, some time to think alone, how r u?
Sarah- so glad that ur family meal went ok, was thinking about you. hope ur ok. take care xx
Aisling- sorry to here that u had a fight with ur mum, hope thing turn out ok for u in the end, hope 2 see u bk on here soon hun, take care xx
Mrs B- glad to hear that ur daughter is doing ok. x
Emily is doing ok today- but she hasent eaten all day- but she has seemed happy and in a good mood, so thats one thing- she still has the tube in her stomach but the drs are saying that she should try and eat at least half a meal without the need of the tube and the rest can be thro the tube, but so far emily hasent done that, am a bit worried because she is starting to lose weight again, i think i may have to talk to her about this and persuade her to talk to her threapists a bit more.
by the way emily said that she talked to nats the other day- but she dident talk about whats happening really- but nats is back home. i really hope she is ok, and that she will post her soon to let us know she is ok.
Lisa– how are u hun?? have u stayed in the hospital?? i really hope u have, please let us no that u are ok, we r worried hun.
TS- where are u hun? how r u? havent seen u on here for a few days, really hope that u are doing okay. x
I’m s city girl at heart, too. But my husband isn’t a big fan. i sneak off to Chicago when I can to get my “fix”. I just love all of the cultural opportunities.
Ais,
I think you made a good decision to get some “breathing room”. Sometimes it helps a lot. I know you are worried about your brother. I think you made a great decision for him too. I am so sorry that you are dealing with alcohol abuse in a parent. I can’t imagine how frightening that must be to have the one who is supposed to be responsible act so irresponsibly. Hugs. Be well.
Brooks,
I’m sorry that Emily continues to refuse to eat. What a horrible struggle this is for us all. My prayers are with you.
Everyone, I hope that you are all having a good day. Been a tough one here. I think that my daughter has decided that she will not be ready to live alone by the fall. It is hard to see her still unable to move forward, but she is making really conscientious decisions about her health and that is the most important thing. She says that she would like to commute from home. Of course, that’s fine with me.
Thank you everyone who wished me a happy mother’s day. It was nice to spend time with my boys.
Tomorrow I have my MRI. I’m really scared. I know chances are everything will turn out fine, but I’m still scared they will find something wrong. I’ve gotten this way every time I’ve had a scan done of my head, but I haven’t had an MRI in years. I can’t wait til it is over and I get the results. Maybe then I will be able to relax.
MissA,
I have had about 5 abnormal paps, a big cyst on an ovary and about 20 breast lumps. I TOTALLY understand. It is expecially hard when you have little children. They depend on you so much.
I will say a prayer that you have a normal MRI. Good luck!
Thanks Mrs. B. I guess I’m just feeling overwhelmed with all that is going on in my life right now.
I know what you mean about the abnormal paps. I had an abnormal pap about two years ago. The doctor’s office called and said “don’t worry about it, we’ll do another test in another year.” I couldn’t believe they expected me not to worry for a whole year. I was freaking out. Luckily, my next test came back okay.
Miss A- i hope ur MIR scan goes ok, ur in my thoughts hun, Good Luck.xx
Brooke- im ok. How is Emily- sorry 2 hear that she is refusing to eat still- she needs some more help hun, maybe u culd persuade her to go bk 2 her threapists and tell them that she is not eating still…? how r u ?
Hey guys,
Brooke- The weather was perfect. It was rainy Friday when we weren’t walking around and in business meetings. It was 70 and perfectly sunny on Saturday and Sunday when we had time to explore. =] I don’t think I have talked to you in quite awhile. I read that Emily wasn’t accepting food again? It’s probably really hard for her to accept that she can get better. As I was recovering, I really didn’t think it was possible that I was having more good days than bad.
Mrs. B- What a good idea! I want to live just outside the city and hopefully work in a city when I get out of college. Maybe somewhere around Portland, Maine. =]
I’m sorry to everyone else, but there just seemed to be so much going on since I left. I am catching up now, but before that, I’m just going to read much later. I really hope everyone is doing well.
MissA-Good luck on your MRI.. I understand how you would be scared to see the negative results. I hope that you won’t and that things work out for the best. =]
I’m starting to really have these mental effects effect my health. Over the weekend, I really didn’t have time to eat and it really just felt good to me. I was scared when I came back to campus because I knew I’d have time to eat again and so last night I actually purged my dinner and lunch because it was so much food. I had the WORST heart burn today. I think this is all because of the lack of sleep and stress on my part. I’m really trying to get everything together. I am looking around to see if there are any therapists in the area for over the summer, but I might even go back to the guy I saw once before for when my parents’ divorced. He is up just outside of my home town, so if I were to go home for that, I could visit at home and go to Cedar Point, too. I really am trying. Trust me. I realize that this is just a little set back. I really am having mixed views about my body again. I guess this is just another example of how self-recovery can go wrong so many more times than not. =\ I’ll fix everything though. I just keep having thoughts. I really try to not act upon them. But then people start talking about how they need to lose weight and how they are SO fat, etc etc.
UGH. I don’t know.
I am sorry for the break on here. I have had some stuff to deal with at home. My boyfriend got hurt at work and not sure yet if he will keep his leg yet or not. It was getting better but now it is infected again and we have been to alot of doctors and hospitals lately. I haven’t had much time to get on here. Then we have graduation, and 4 birthdays and a few baby showers to go to! It has been a busy time!!!!!. I hope everyone is doing ok. I have missed everyone. Please don’t worry I am doing ok! Stay strong I am trying to too! Love you all so very much! Laura
MissA- I pray that your MRI goes well and that it comes back all clear. Ive had loads of MRIs too as I suffer from migraines too. Please let us know how you get on!
Sarah-my baby sister. I love you! You always have a way of making me smile even though all I wanna do is cry! Forget your dad babe, seems we were both cursed with horrible fathers. You just stay strong babe and just live your life how you want to live it. Forget everyone else, remember you! Love you babe
Mrs B- I hope you and your daughter are ok and coping alright, you are an amazing mother and friend who always looks after us all here and for that I am trully grateful.
Sheridan- hey babe welcme to ts! I was hopingyou would come over soon. Sorry I haven’t been around, been struggling alot at the moment. How are things with you babe? Your older sis has missed you!
Brooke- tell emily that I am ok and that she needs to get better so she can come see me! That’s what we promised so she needs to do it, tell her to be strong and that we are all here for her.
Michelle! Glad you had a great trip! Its a dream of mine to go to ny! Apprenly I’m supposed to be going there in September! We should arrange a massive meet there!
Maybe4me- I have missed you so much! I am glad your back! Send my love to your boyfriend and I hope he gets better soon!
Lisa- my friend, do you know how proud of you I am? Your strength is amazing, and even though you tried running, you saw that hospital is the place you need to be right now and that is a big step babe! Know that I’m here for you if you ever need me. Are you in the us or UK?
Hi all,
MissA, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you luck with your MRI and hope that what they find will lead to quick answers and resolution. I have had 8 MRI’s in my life and I think the worst part is waiting for results. I hope they find the cause of your pain and ways to cure it.
Maybe4me, I have missed you so much laura and have kept you in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriends accident. I hope they are able to do something to clear up the infection and save his leg. How scary that must be for the both of you. I love you very much!! Take care of you!! Keep us posted on you and your boyfriend. You will both be in my prayers!! love you, xxxkim
mrs b, I am so proud of your daughter to be honest and tell you she is not ready yet to live on her own. I am glad she can talk to you and knows her limits. Remember, progress not perfection. This may be the best decision for her. While in college and living in an apartment apart from other students, she could have easily isolated and allowed her ed to return to her life full force and begin to backslide. I am proud of her and you for giving her the opportunity to stay with you while she gains more recovery and strength. She is a fighter and survivor and that is great. You are always in my thoughts and prayers as is your entire family. Remember to take care of you too!! Have a great day! love you much, xxxkim
Shelly, I am so proud of you!! You continue to amaze me everyday with your strength and courage!! Keep taking care of you!! I love ya, xxxkim
as for me, I have been trying to work on my eating. I have put on a pound and trying to see that as progress but to be honest it is hard to see the number go up on the scale. I am needing to though and doing my best to do what I know is right and fight ed thoughts. Have a great day everyone!! Love you all, kim xxx
Good morning everyone or good afternoon depending on where you are. I am at school not doing my work. I am so sick of school by now. Thank god there are only 3 weeks left.
TS- I love you too! I am really hoping that you will have some really good days after those sucky ones. You are strong and you will get through this. i am always here for you. i keep playin the song over in my head. love you so much
Sheridan- are you doin alright hun? keepin you in my thoughts and hope you feel better. stay strong babe
Michelle- glad you had fun in NY =] i have never been that far away from ohio, but i hope to go one day. I am sorry you were struggling yesterday. but like you said, one little mistake. just keep on going, you can do this. i hope everything works out with the counselor
Aisling- babe i hope you are able to get on soon and let us know how you are doing. i think that some breathing space for a bit will be good. i also have an alcoholic parent so i know what it is like. i am sorry you are having to be the adult in your fam and looking after your brother. you are such a good big sister and im glad your bro has you to look out for him. take care of yourself hun.
lisa- still in hosp? i hope you are doing alright. have been thinking about you. stay strong
laura- i hope that your boyfriend is okay, that is such a scary thing. sounds like you are very busy. take time for yourself, ok? hang in there. have missed you
Brooke- i am glad emily seems to be in a better mood. hopefully she will begin to eat more on her own. i know that she has you and you wont give up on her and that is so good. im glad emily has you there.
MissA- hey babe. hows it going? i think we should have another cereal date sometime. that was really helpful. cannot believe i got through it. thanks for bein there. btw that vid was sooooo cute! =]
Kim, Katie, everyone else- how are you all?
wow that was long. well, an essay on modern arabian history awaits. I hope you all have a FABULOUS day =]
love you all so much
Just posted something new that I found today! Its headed “Tequila and Salt” its not what you think it is, have a read and leave a comment to let me know what you think of it!
im still in the hospital sorry that i can’t write to much today- not feeling so great today…
TS- im in the UK babe, ur in the UK 2 right? thanks for being proud of me, glad that someone is- how r u? hope that ur doing ok, im trying 2 stay put in the hospital just until i feel stronger. xx
Laura- glad 2 see u back on here, u have been missed. x
Michelle- Glad that ur trip 2 new york went well.x hope ur doing well.x
Sarah- hun im still here in this place, hating it but im staying i think… how r u? x
Brooke- i really hope emily is ok 2day- missing her, hope 2 see her on here very soon- its gd that she is in a good mood- thats a good step- the nxt step is for her to start eating a little, im sure she will soon, give emily my love- take care brooke, x
Hi everyone. I had my MRI this morning. I should get the results back on Friday. I also called an attorney about my W/C hearing. Sorry for not taking the time to respond to everyone, but I’m not feeling well today.
I’m reverting so hardcore.. it’s really scary.
I’m trying to eat a little maybe cup and a half of soup with bread.
I can’t stop thinking about everything that I used to think about before.
Why is this happening all of a sudden??
I mean, I wasn’t doing everything perfect yet, but I still was going pretty well..
and now I can’t go a day without purging at least once and having to force myself to eat.
GAH!
I have to do something really hard tomorrow (Thursday)- something that is going to hurt like hell, but will prevent three lives from being ruined. (the hurt is emotional- not physical, I’m not doing something stupid, I’m actually acting upon an intelligent thought today)…
So please, please please- let me know you’re behind me, so that I won’t give in and give up again, okay?
I love you all- so much. Please, help me out, encourage me today, please.
Sheri- we are behind u on this- if u think this is the right desion then of course we will be behind u all the way- we r here for u wenever u need us hun, take care, hope it goes all ok, let us know wen u can, xx
Michelle- i no its hard, but hun, please try and get some more help with ur purging, it sounds as tho u hav gone back to ur ED- maybe not as bad as last time hun, but i could go that way if u dnt get help soon, so please hun get some help from ur threapists , and of course we r all here 4 u, take care babe xx
Miss A- i hope that ur MRI results come back ok – i will be praying for u hun, xx
TS-Sarah-thanks for ur kind words about emily, i showed her the msgs and she is very touched- she says that ur all lovely on the “forum” and that as soon as she can she will be back on her talking to you all-xx
Lisa- so glad u are still in the hospital, it where u need 2 be at the moment, it will do alot of good in the long run- how r u doing 2day?
TS,
Thank you for the encouraging post from yesterday. Those kinds of upbeat thoughts are always so very helpful. I am reading a book right now about Moses, which was written by Charles Swindoll that I am enjoying, too. I love to read my Bible, but sometimes a person who is more scholarly about the Bible telling me things that shed new light on what I am reading really bring things to life for me. Moses led a VERY interesting life.
My point with all of that is this. For whatever reason, we are all “at this place” for a reason. Sometimes it is hard to see the reason. But I see it through all of you guys.
From Emily, I see that although she is very ill, she still wants to go on. She continues to fight, and she has the love of a very steadfast mother beside her. I see the same thing in Nats. Although you are really sick, Nats, you continue to reach out. It goes to show us all that more than anything, loving one another MATTERS. It matters more than everything else. Jesus told us this. We just have a hard time believing it.
Michelle, you are a striver. Because of that, you will achieve great things. I know that. But I believe God wants you to take some time. Slow down. Feel his presence. Focus less on where you are going. Focus on where you are. Your roommate is reaching out to you. Perhaps she is lonely, too. BE there. Be PRESENT. Live in the moment.
Sheri,
You are a brave and courageous woman. We are all here behind you. I know that what you are experiencing now must be very difficult – or you would talk about it. Pray for strength and know that we are all praying with you.
MissA,
YOu are a model of motherhood – sacrificial, steadfast. I would love to see you find someone who would help carry your burdens with you. ARe you single? If you are, I would love to see you find a supportive church home. Do you have parents nearby who can help you? YOu carry a heavy load. I continue to pray that the medical community can come together and give you real help.
Sarah,
You are so young and smart. I feel like you carry such a large burden on your young shoulders. I am hopeful that someone will come into your life who will help you feel strong….a teacher, a friend, a counselor….someone who can lift your pain and help you see that there is life to live for you – outside of an ED.
Shelly,
You and Kim continue to inspire me. You show me that this battle is fought for a reason and young women can come out the other side. That the fight is messy and imperfect…and inspiring, nonetheless. I hope you both know that you help to give the rest of us courage. I hope that you will continue to be strong. I know that Jes can get better, because you both have gotten better.
Laura,
My heart grieves for you with what you are dealing with regarding your boyfriend. I hope that he is doing well, but it sounds like there is a big battle ahead of him. What happened? YOu have so much going on, I’m sure that you must be exhausted with all of this on top of everything else you are trying to accomplish.
Lisa,
You are doing so great. I know that the hospital is a very difficult environment, but sometimes it is the only place that is capable of treating you. Sometimes an ED can make you so physically sick, that the body rebels so that you MUST slow down. Take the time to heal your spirit while you heal your body.
Well off to a busy day at work. Jes and I were together all day yesterday. We had our “annual” exams with the GYN. Yuck. She is doing well. The back of her hands are healed completely – a sign that the purging is nearly gone – for now (Michelle, sometimes this comes and goes. It just does. Get back up. You can.) She is going to famly therapy with her old boyfriend on Friday to try to help him understand the disease better. She sees her former therapist this afternoon, who she has missed very much. On June 3rd, she starts her treatment for anxiety. Ladies. Take the time for treatment. It is more important than other things right now.
Hello.
Today is, ummm turning out to be a difficult one for me. There is a lot going on. But tonight I will be home alone. I do not trust myself today though. So I dunno what I’m going to do. I am really just not feeling good. =/
Michelle- we chatted for a bit last night, but just wanted to remind you im not going anywhere ok. and it is okay to not always be okay. i pray that you wont struggle as much as you have the last few days. you are not a failure or anything like that. you can do this babe. stay strong. we are here for you.
Lisa- babe im so proud of you and im glad you are still in the hospital. continue to get better, you are doing great =] and i hope you are feeling better today. hang in there xx
MissA- babe i hope you are doing well today. hope your results come back good tomorrow and that they can help you feel better once they know what is going on. ily.
TS- how you doing today hun? thinkin bout you, hope you are alright. love you tons!
Brooke & Emily- how are you both doing? emily i am praying that you will find the strength to eat a bit on your own. i know you can do it girl! stay strong. =] will be glad when u can come on forum.
Sheridan- babe we are here for you. always. good luck babe. i am proud of u for staying strong and facing this. hang in there babe, i will really be praying for you. <3
Mrs.B.- That is so good that your daughter is doing well in her recovery. its so encouraging. i hope that therapy goes well for her. how are you doing with all of this? i hope you are alright. u are there for your daughter and all of us, take time for yourself ok. you seem such a good mom. take care
Aisling- I hope you are doing alright hun! your strength is incredible. am praying for you, hopefully you can get on here soon and let us know how u are doin.
kim- i am so proud of you =] keep on going. you are doing great. i hope you have a wonderful day. weekend is almost here!
I’m sorry i write so much. i will talk to you all later i suppose. stay strong everyone, hope you have a good day. you are all amazing
<3 Sarah
Ok I am back! after quite a few days of me sitting around not moving out of my bed I now feel like poo but I got out of bed this morning so thats a good start right??!!
Sarah babe, you know how much you mean to me and I am always here for you.
I am doing ok, not great but not terrible either so I am in the middle, I wont lie. You need to just keep your chin up and take each day as it comes babe thats all you can do. I love you!!! xxx
Sheri – I know your struggling hun, I am glad your day went better than you thought, stay strong, you have had a slip up thats all and you just need to get back up again, I know you will do this, I know you have the strength to fight. I will keep you in my thoughts every day. love you too! xxx
Mrs. B – You are a couragous woman who has so much to offer. That post that you are talking about was sent to me and I think its nice to read it. So maybe we should all print it off and put it on our fridges!! ??? Thank you for all the support you bring to the blog.
Miss A – I hope you get clear results back today, I really am hoping and wishing that they come back clear. I have been for so many MRI’s and I know how scary it is waiting for the results, but just keep positive I know you will be fine! xxx
Lisa – How are you doing babe? I have been checking my emails to see if you have sent me anything. Please let me know how you are getting on. I am always here for you and I promised I would not leave you and I will not, EVER!! I am so proud of you for hanging in there, you are doing great!! Keep me posted on whats going on xxxx
Laura – Its good to have you back, I wondered what was up when you kind of disappeared for a bit. I am sorry that you are going through so much at the moment, if I can help in anyway I would, I hope you know and believe that. xxx
Michelle – you are possibly one of the most strongest people I know, you have this ability to see things a different sometimes clearer way than what alot of people do, and with that comes the power and confiction to carry on each day, you have so much strength inside of you and you need to use that but you also need to slow down babe, you need to take time for you. Just have a few days to yourself, get yourself grounded, then carry on. You have alot going on and I dont want to see you burn out from exhaustion. Please take some time for yourself. xxx
Aisling – You my friend, are doing great, you come here and just make me smile when I read your posts, and believe me when I say, its not very often I am smiling at the moment, so fair play to you for making this old grump smile!! well Im a grump, I wouldnt say I was old!
I know you have alot going on at the moment babe, and thats not good but I know you have it inside of you to carry on with your life for you and not look back on things you cannot change. I am sorry you had an argument with your mum, I have had more than 100 with mine too! And it is hard when we argue with our parents, especially when its simply because they do not understand. I hope that its all sorted soon so you can go home if that is what you want to do, if not then I hope it sorts itself out so you can be happy!
Kim – Babe although you dont like seeing the scale go up but there possibly isnt one of us that would like it! you are doing great and you just need to keep on going, you are a strong person and I know you will do great and you will carry on each day and do your best, thats all you can do babe. Keep us updated on how you are getting on.
I think thats everyone, seems that not everyone from the old forum has chosen to come over.
Sorry I haven’t been around much, i know you are all worried about me but I just needed some time is all. I tried to stop contact with everything in my life, I just shut myself away. I feel like crap and I just want to sleep all the time and not wake up, I know thats wrong and not good but its how I feel at the moment.
The thing is, im now feeling so low that I dont know what to do anymore.
And yes I know that if I dont sort myself out now I may die but yet thats still not enough to wake me up from this hell dream I seem to be in.
Please guys just keep going as much as you can because you guys are the only thing keeping me alive right now.
Love you all, you are all my family, so that means got about 4 mums, 4 sisters now!
Its Emily! On Brookes- account coz i can’t get mine 2 work!
How are u all?
thanks for all ur kind words about me by the way, means alot 2 me, 2 no that u care.
Have really missed u all- as u all probaly no, i am out of hospital now, still on the tube, but doing a bit better.
How are u all doing?
Lisa-I hope u are well hun, and u are still in hospital fighting- let us no how u are, see u havent been on for a while, whats ur email address?
Laura- How r u hun? where u been lately? hope ur ok hun. x
Nats- it was nice talking 2 ya the other day, hope i cheered u up- how r u 2day? 2 weeks and the sex and the city movie is out!! cnt wait:). x
TS- how r u hun? shame ur not feeling well hun , hope ur feeling better now? .x
Mrs B- how are u? and how is ur daughter? hope all ok.x
Sarah- hun im ok- how r u? i no what u mean- by not trusting ur self wen ur home alone- i so dnt wen im alone, but u hav just got 2 tell urself 2 trust urself- it will be hard, but u hav the strength 2 trust urself, hope all goes well 2nite for u, and let us no how it goes hun, x
Miss A- how did ur scan go?? so worried about u hun, i really hope ur ok- i have my fingers crossed for u chic. x
Shelly-Kim-Michelle- how r u all?? hows ur day been?
omg yesterday was thunder and lighting for about 4 hours and im so scared of it and every time it happens im sick, coz its my worst phobia, it was awful, i dident sleep until gone 4am in the morning, im so tired now, i hope it doesnt happen again 2nite! were’s the sun gone?! i hate the cold:(
I havent been around much to give support. I have been daling with a lot lately and many times I feel like giving up but I have chosen not to. Recovery is so hard and just when I thought I had it all under control..wham…I get hit with a lot of overwhelming thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I guess it will never be under control…such is life…I just have to roll with it and keep figuring out how the hell to deal with it all in a healthy way.
I havent read every post but I see a lot of people struggling. Just keep fighting eventually we will all be well.
hope everyone has a good weekend.
Hi everyone. I just got a call from my doctor’s nurse. No results yet. The person who did the MRI said the doctor would have results today, now I have to wait til Monday at least.
I’ll try to catch up with everyone soon. I have to go out to dinner with a friend now. Ever wonder why every social situation revolves around food?
Just wanted to let everyone know no results. Stay strong everyone.
so, ages ago i said that some saturday i was going to have starbucks with a lady at my church who used to have an ED. well, that would be tomorrow morning. i am kind of nervous. my friends are having a food party tonight. wth?? who ever heard of a food party, where all you do is cook and eat. that does not even sound fun even if u dont have an ed. =/ kind of sad that they will all be hanging out and i wont be there.
tomorrow i am home alone all day. perhaps i will walk around the city all day. idk.
ts- glad that you are doing better hun. u r off to a good start, just keep on going. im here for u always sis. love you!
em- glad to see u on here! glad u r doing better. last night was alright. as soon as my fam left, i fell asleep! i havent slept in ages and i guess my body just couldnt function without sleep anymore lol. so it was all good.
shelly- glad to see u on here. sorry to see u are struggling atm- hang in there. you have so much strength and i know u can do it
missa- sorry u haven gotten ur mri results- have been praying they come back alright. i also wonder y social events always have to be over dinner or some other thing to do with food. sucks, but i guess thats just how it is. hang in there babe. ily
sheri- im so proud of you! so glad things went alright =] i was quite worried bout u.
Shelly. Shelly. Shelly.
You DO NOT want to let your tooth fall out. Find yourself a sedation dentist. Take a teddy bear. If you don’t have one, send me your address and I’ll fix you up. It’ll be little. You can tuck it in your pocket. You have been to hell and back girl. This is a little bitty thing.
Sarah,
I AM THRILLED that you are getting together for coffee with the lady from your church! You talked about that so long ago I had forgotten. I think if you will allow it, this lady could be someone who could make a big difference in your life.
MissA
I am so bummed. I was really hoping that we would hear about your MRI. I hope that when you get your report Monday that you get good news. I hope they can help you find answers for your pain. You carry too heavy a load to hurt so much all the time. You never have spoken of parents or a husband. Do you have anyone in your life to help at all? You are such a great mom.
Laura,
I hope that your boyfriend is doing well.
Nats,
You are always on my mind. I hope you begin to experience some joy. I believe that joy is found in digging deeper into a relationship with Jesus. I wish I were closer to do some reading and study with you. In the meantime, I will pray. I know that Shelly has found some sustenance in some spiritual reading over the course of her recovery. I kind of wish you would look away from the external…the Bible puts it like this,”In the World, but not of the world”. You are your spirit, not your body. Seek within not outside. “Be still and know that I am God.” Be still. Study. Seek.
Emily,
How GREAT to hear from you! It has been cold and rainy here too. I miss the sun myself! I’ve had a bad cold and I’m looking forward to the sun. I’m glad you are feeling better. Keep working. You are so very special. Your mother loves you so much. And we all do too.
Jes has had an up and down week. She is doing great with her ED. She still fights the depression and anxiety, however. I read an article about fish oil and depression. Dr. Mrs. B. is prescribing fish oil to all of you. It’s supposed to be really good for mental health. I’m going to take it and I bought it for Jes. She said she had been reading about it, too.
I think that she and her ex-boyfriend are out on a “date” tonight and becoming a couple again. He’s a handsome and good kid. I’m happy for her. I do hope that they go to college together. She’s awfully young for a serious relationship, but after what she has been through, his stability is good for her. And he comes from a family that doesn’t have resources, so our family helps him, too. We’ve started him thinking about school and we could help him afford an education. All in all, it seems to be a relationship that works.
Well all, take your fish oil and know that I’m thinking about and praying for you all. Remember. Love one another.
hehe it is early for me too. bout 2:15 am lol. im alright. i ended up hanging out with friends until about 12:40. mom was mad we came home late since my brother is working at 6 am. =P
tho it really isnt very late at all. oh well.
i ate a bit of salad so no one said anything about my eating. =]
oh well done babe, I am glad you went, I think you would have regretted it in the end as you would have missed the chance to hang out with your mates xx and well done on eating something!
Im alright just feel tired all the time so sleep ALOT ha im so lazy xxx
well that is good that you are getting sleep =] i usually sit in the computer chair all day long. well besides school duh. so i guess that would make me lazy. u should fly over here and we can have a dance party! =P i am glad u r doing better babe =] keep on hangin in there.
yah i am glad i went too. i had a good time, and the food thing wasnt as big a deal as i thought. but thats just me, expecting the worst when it comes to food.
blegh bad dreams. was having those every night basically bout 2 weeks ago. not cool.
but hey, you are here talking to me =] so something good came from it. jk =P
i am still pretty nervous about going for starbucks with jen tomorrow. she is very nice. but i do not talk about ED with people other than you all on here. and it is not face to face. well, also i talk with my mother when i cannot avoid it. but yah, blegh nerves!!
its not a joke babe that is something good that has come from it!
Even though your nervous babe I think its a good thing to do because then you have someone in your life where you are who understands and could maybe help you. You want help though right? sorry just thought I would check xx
yes i really do want help i am trying my best to get better. i was struggling last week and a bit this week. but i really do want to recover and im workin on it.
i do think that she could be very helpful in recovery. she is older than me and she is recovered, and also knows what it is like and how i am feeling. i am just very unsure how to even start this convo. and how she will take it. and if she will tell. she is my youth pastor’s daughter and is married to another pastor. oh i hope she doesnt tell them.
Babe when you go there you will know straight away if this person is going to be the one that you let into your life with your ED, you will get an instant vibe from her, so just go with your instincts thats all.
I am glad you want help babe, its a step oin the right direction.
yeah, i suppose you are right. and no need to worry about it now. i still have nearly 8 hours til then.
hehe perhaps i should put my last post somewhere where i can see it. and so i can remind myself that i do want help. =P because quite often, i forget that. and my stupid ed brain thinks i would rather stay sick and to myself and not live a normal life.
well, it is about 3:15 in the morning. perhaps i should go to bed. g’night babe
ily!
also babe dont be ashamed of your feelings, you cant help the way you feel ever so no point in trying to change it, its how we deal with our feelings that matters. I know its something that I struggle with too.
Sorry I haven’t been posting lately, i basicly just haven’t gotten around to doing it…I know, bad excuse ;P
Anyway, how is everyone?
TS;
How are you? And yeah, i saw your most recent post that said that alot of us had dissapeard. Well i’m still here! Been talkin alot to Sarah lately.
And if anyone has any news on Nats, please do tell me
An update on me, i’m doing okay. Alot of difficult things lately, but i’m okay. I’ve also just started my therapy lessons btw. Going on my next one on tuesday the 20′th. There are still alot of ups and downs, but i’m getting through it.
My vote on the Twistsis identity…..well, I always like the “straight” scoop. That’s just me. I don’t see the benefit to Twistsis to hide her identity.
I thought the forum was gone! It has gotten so long that we’re on another page!
Alex….welcome back.
Sarah if you are on here before you see the lady who is recovered from her ED, ask her straight up not to talk about your meeting with other people. Tell her you are not ready for that. Someday maybe you will be. That’s pretty normal I think.
I have to admit I was a little pissed off when I found out who you really were which is why I havent been posting as much. It is like you are two different people and to me it doesnt make sense. But then again, an ED is a total different identity in and of itself. I think it would be awesomne if you could just find out and be who you really are. JUST BE REAL. you cant really begin the recovery process if you have all these different identities that you are trying to keeop up with.
so im guessing you all want to know how coffee went, huh? well, maybe not lol. if not, then you dont gotta read this =P
ummm, it was really freakin hard to open up. she was so very nice about it. but mostly she just kept talking about god. which i guess i should have seen coming, as she goes to my church. but, i didnt really want to talk about god. most of the stuff she said, ive heard it all before. so, in the end it wasnt really helpful. but she is really nice and she did tell me to call her any time. *shrugs* at least the tea was good.
Alex- what is up my friend?! im glad u made it over to ts forum. =]
Lisa- hope you are doin alright babe
mrs.b.- how are u doin today? sorry i did not read til after starbucks.
Shelly,
Gritty good stuff as always. One of my greatest frustrations on this board is all the pretense. A good part of recovery is finding one good person who you can be honest with. More is good, one is essential. One good person who you can share all your crap with….everything you are afraid of, everything you are ashamed of, everything that cracks you up, everything you dream of.
Twistsis, you are not really real to anyone. And I don’t believe in the end that it hurts anyone but you. I see you writhe and twist in your recovery and not really get anywhere. Because in the end, you don’t really see the value in you just as you. In you as nothing more than a child of God. In part, because you don’t understand what is the value in being a child of God. Because you haven’t really taken the time to figure out what that means.
Part of recovery is in figuring out that nothing you have conditioned to believe in matters. Beauty, fame, fortune. None of it means anything. Alcohol, drugs, sex. All of those things are substitutions for reality.
What matters? Honesty, love in the agape sense, and seeking God.
Well I decided to come back home because I have responsibilities and I can’t just abandon them. There are people that need me to protect them and it’s not fair to them if I just leave. My mam hasn’t changed I never expected her too I have grown up with her like that all I asked was she didn’t drink at home in front of the younger kids cause they have gone through enough and don’t deserve to see her like that. I don’t know maybe I was asking too much.
Saawaa I missed you! Sorry to hear your lunch wasn’t what you hoped but you have her number so if your ever feeling absolutely down and there’s nobody to talk to you can always ring her
Ts I am used to arguing with my mum and especially my dad I have grown up with two people who don’t know how to be parents but there is nothing I can do. I also think that you should be honest on here and by concealing your identity you are only stopping your chances off truly being honest with this disease. You are amazing and shouldn’t have to hide behind anything
Nats hun you are amazing. I love you and will keep you in my thoughts
Emily its so good to hear from you Great to see your doing better you deserve it
Shelly I’m sorry to see you struggling you are an amazing person and have fought so hard just hang in there
Dr. MrsB I will look into getting some fish oil lol
Lisa hun take care
MissA I will pray that your results come back perfect
Ok I think I have gone on long enough. I am always writing these big mad long comments I think there should be some limit. I cant be taking over with every post I write lol. Anyway take care everyone and remember don’t take life too serious nobody gets out alive! Love you all
Aisling!!! babe you are back, i have missed you tons!
and i like all the smiley faces =D
you always make me smile and put me in a good mood you know that??
take care of yourself babe
<3
Yes well are plan must be working then me + you will conquer everyone and make them show there little pearly whites and soon the whole world will be smiling =P
haha. i love it. its like we were talking about world domination, but actually i guess kind of dominating in the sense we are trying to make everyone smile! mwahahaha =P
lalala. i am home alone. normally i would be thinking about purging or otherwise something not good. but right now im actually in a very good mood =] and just chatting with people on yahoo and stuff and of course listenin to music
ily2×10000000
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers, they are working! My boyfriends leg is getting better and they are sure he is going to be ok now. I am sorry I haven’t been here as much as I would like to be. I have missed all of you and thank you for thinking of me! You all mean the world to me and I hope all is going well for each of you today. I am praying for you all too! I love you and always remember this! Laura
heyya all-
im stil in the hospital at the moment and hating it- today i have a operation to sew a tube in my stomach- really scared- i dont want them having control of me. im feeling so worthless right now, i dont want to be here anymore, whats the point anyway? know one wants me here, so in that case is there any point in being alive???
Sarah- glad that ur meeting with that lady went ok, even if it wasent very helpful at all. hope ur doing ok hun. take care of urself x
Alex- Welcome back hun, how are u doing? glad u are having threapy now, it will never be straight forwards but it will help u hun. good luck with it on tuesday hun, let us no how it goes.x
Aisling- glad 2 see u back on here, we have missed u- what u was asking of ur mum was not to much, she is ur mum she should of listened to you, if she doesent do it then thats on her own back when she gets ill from her drinking. how are u doing hun? x
Laura- so glad that things seem to be looking up for u,glad that ur boyfriend is going to be ok, that must be a huge relief for u hun, we have missed u alot on here and glad 2 see u back on here hun. x
Sheri- whats up hun? are u ok? that post u wrote really worried me- are u around at the moment? please let us know that u are ok hun. x
Emily and Brooke- glad 2 see that u are back emily- how are u? are u eating better now at all? are u still getting out paitent help at all? brooke how are u hun? just thought id say that ur a amazing mother to stand by emily all this time- you must be a very strong and dertiminded person to help emily. your a good role model to us on here hun, hope u and emily are both ok, hope 2 see ya both on here soon, x
shelly- glad 2 see u back on here hun, sorry to hear that u are struggling at the moment, we have been worried about u on here as u hadenet been around very much, if u ever want to talk them email me or just talk 2 me on here- il put my email address at the end of this post- take care hun, let us know how u are soon, x
Nats- how r u? i really hope that ur well, so worried about u still- let us know that u are ok. x
TS- how are u 2day hun? sorry i havent txted u my number yet, i havent got my phone at the hospital at the moment, its at home- as soon as i get it back and as soon as my mum finds the charger for me i will txt u my number. i will be on google talk for a while longer- may talk 2 u on there if u are on there, talk soon x
sorry if i missed anyone out i will write on here later or 2morow- i have my op in 4 hours time and so so scared, i dont want a tube in me , i want to be free and to eat as little or as much as i wont, i hate people controling me, it makes me so angry and fustrated, everyone keeps on saying its for the best- it would be for the best if they just left me alone to save myself, i dont need them, i need to do this alone, you guys help me more than they do, thank you all so much for the support u are all giving me, means so much to me.
Sheri, you are such a strong woman. Your last post was worrisome. I do hope you are okay.
Lisa, I hope your operation goes well. I can understand your not wanting them to be able to control you, but they are trying to help you hun. They really do have your best interests at heart.
Sarah, I’m glad your coffee with the lady from church went okay, even though it didn’t go as you had hoped. You tried to reach out to someone and that is a positive thing. You should be proud of yourself. I know I am proud of you. You have so much pressure on your young shoulders. I worry about you. Take care of yourself and get some rest. I hope to chat with you soon.
Emily, It is good to see you back on here. You are very lucky to have a mother like Brooke.
Mrs. B, thank you for the kind words you have left for me on here. They brought tears to my eyes. I plan on posting on the “I want to know” post more about myself which will answer some of your questions.
Laura, I am glad to hear your boyfriend is going to be okay. I will keep you both in my thoughts.
Aisling, glad you are back hun. I’m sorry your mom won’t listen to you. Your siblings are lucky to have you.
Shelly, glad to see you back here. I hope your weekend is going good.
Nats, how are you babe?
I’m sure this post is really long. Sorry, I’ve had a busy weekend and am trying to get caught up on everything. I cancelled my dinner plans with my friend because my son got sick. He’s okay now. Yesterday we had a baseball game in the morning, a birthday party after the game, and then preschool graduation after the party. Needless to say, I am quite exhausted today. I have a lot of cleaning waiting for me and dinner later at my dad’s house. Is it nap time yet?
Sorry if I missed anyone. I hope you are all okay, and are having a good day.
hey all. mrs. b, i read your email and then came to see if i could get on to this site and could. I read your posts above so realize there must have been a glitch.
as for ts, i agree with shelly and mrs. b. when i found out who ts was i didnt think she should have this added pressure of this forum, let alone the blog. i feel it should be someone who has some length of recovery behind them and i dont see ts as having recovery or even wanting it at all at times. it is not even about wanting it it is more about doing what it takes to get it. recovery will not just happen you have to take steps and do the work to get it. i have not been on as much either due to there being more people writing about their struggles (which is in itself not negative) but then doing nothing to move beyond them. i think it is great to share our successes, failures and attempts, but we have to decide that we want recovery and do everything in our power to get it. this is not easy but it is so worth it. shelly and i have talked about never wanting to live an ed life and are working hard to work our recovery. i hope you are all open, honest and willing to admit if you are ready to work for recovery or just stay a victim. i know it does not feel like it at times, but it first takes that choice/decision and then the real work begins. i have come to consider you friends and feel very close to some of you but i have to set healthy boundaries for myself and my recovery and i hope you all do the same. i miss when we shared what we were grateful for. and why not focus on what we do to strengthen our recovery. what steps are you willing to take. i am taking mine and i am prouder and happier then i have been in a very long time. i agree with mrs. b and the effects starvation has on our bodies and our minds. it has taken me awhile to get my thinking back to normal and i know i do not ever want to go back to my anorexic life and the daily death sentence that i was leading – i was not happy but i am becoming happy and it is so worth it.
shelly, mrs. b and laura, thanks for all of your support, encouragement, love and inspiration it has made the difference.
laura, i am glad your boyfriend is getting well and his leg was saved. i think about you often and am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
nats, lose the ts and be you. find your voice and your strength and be willing to reach out and get professional help or this disease will take your life. it is your choice, i hope you choice life.
love you all, xxxkim
oh my god sheri hun, im so sorry 2 hear that things was that bad for u 2 try and kill urself- ur in my thoughts hun- we are all worried about u and want u 2 be ok, take care hun.x
i had the tube put into my stomach this afternoon- it is really painful at the moment im hoping i wont have to much put in it, i don’t want to have to purge thro it- but if they do put lots of food thro it i will have to purge thro it- at least that way they wont be in control, i will be- i dont want to gain weight im already hideous. im hoping if i drink lots at weigh in they will think im not purging thro the tube and attually leaving it alone, the water trick always seems to work- except a few occasions when they guess- but i will find a way to get lots a water into me, i need this tube out of me quick, i want my control back, i want to get out of here. i feel so trapped in here, feel as tho im a child again, being told what to do and what to eat and when, i hate it, i want to have some say in what and when i eat. i must say recovery is harder than i thought it was going to be, even tho it seems as tho im not even in recovery at all at the moment, it feels as tho im slipping deeping into my anorexia, i just want to be normal, to be accepted, to be like other people my age and to not care about eating and to like myself- i dont want to hate myself anymore- i wish i could just love myself for who i am, but who can love me? My life is full of lies and people tricking me. If they lie to me, it just makes it easier for me to lie to them and tell them I’ve eaten when I haven’t. Each time they trick me, it gives Anna a reason to stop me eating.
Im scared that having the tube in me means im losing anorexi.And while part of me wants that, the other part is terrified.I’m scared that if I lose the voice completely I’ll become fat again. Also, it sounds stupid, but I don’t know who I am or who I’ll be without it. o how i hate this…….
mrs. b, i will try to find information to read up on the fish oil. i do remember reading something before on its benefits. i may get some next month when i actually have a paycheck.
ok let me just get this out there because quite frankly I’m sitting here reading what you have all written and its making me slightly pissed off
Let’s get one thing straight ok I took on this forum for everyone here, not just for me, when mamaV said she was closing her forum down there was a panic from various people, and also if I remember correctly people who write on this forum put my name out there to be used for a new place for the forum!!!
I agreed yes, I maybe going through shit and I might have two identities but the fact remains I took on this forum so you would all have a place to go once mamaV closed hers down!
I hate being the ways am and you are all sitting there telling me that I should be doing one thing or another to make myself better in ways, ERM shouldn’t that be my choice? Regardless of whether or not you all feel I am able to make that choice or not is quite frankly irrelevant, I need to make those choices myself and in my own time, yes I am fully aware of the fact that i may die before I finally make that choice, and yes I know you are all saying these things because you care but you all need to understand where I am coming from and why I did take on this forum!
I did it for you guys and now I feel like I shouldn’t have done it, yet why should I not have done? Because I’m not “recovered”? Ok fair comment but in my experience with my ed, I wouldn’t give a damn if the person telling me to do somthing or making suggestions was recovered or not, the ed speaks and I listen, noone can over ride that but me, not someone who has recovered not someone who hasn’t not even my family. The ed speaks and I listen so what difference does it make if I am doing the forum or not? You guys may think its too much for me to take on, but again that was choice to do so and I know its a responsibility to do it and yeah sometimes it can be hard work but I like doing it because I know its keeping everyone together!
Sorry for rant but its what’s in my head right now
Also so everyone can know from now on……….. I twistedSISTER am also known to all of you as NATS
hey nats, i actually logged back on to apologize for my post sounding so “better than” as that was not my intent. i am worried about you though. i think you need more help and just wish you would get it. i was not ever angry at you for opening the forum here but didnt quite understand why we could not continue to post on mamavision since she was not there much anyway. i didnt want you to feel any extra burden. anyway, please dont take what i said as a negative. i want you to get some help, recovery is worth it. i want it for everyone here. i love you guys. just think about it. you are right it is your choice. but i love ya.
Wow, I am at a loss for words. I don’t know what to say after reading all of this. I keep starting to type stuff, then I delete it. I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I will stay or if I will go. I’m not sure of how I feel right now.
For me I dont care if it is a choice a person makes on how they live, but if they make the CHOICE then they should be prepared to live with the consequences of their actions. And I know a lot of people come here for support but I see a lot of people throwing out a lot of advice but rarely, if ever, taking their own damn advice. How is anyone supposed to take anything seriously. that is just the part that bugs me.
Lisa-at the end of your post you say you want to be normal, accepted like everyone else, but at the beggining of the post you will go so as saying you will purge through your tube and mess up your way in. It makes no sense. Noone is normal and no one is always accepted. it doesnt just happen to people and neither does recovery. yeah it sucks. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming and intense that it seems like it impossible. We all just have to push through.
anyway, Im out. i hope everyone can find recovery if they want it. it is out there, but it is a choice whether or not you truly try for it.
She is in the hospital, on both an IV drip and tube feedings, she will not respond to the nurses, and is restricted to bed right now. She asked me why they couldn’t just let her die. I told her because I loved her. She said nobody else did- I hope you all don’t mind, but I told her that you guys loved her too. I will not be able to visit her again until she responds to something, as well as putting on weight. Even though I knew about her eating disorder- I didn’t notice the amount of weight she had dropped. She was 89 pounds. That is almost twenty less than what she was telling me.
Guys- can you send along some words of encouragement that I can send to Sheri as soon as she is allowed to receive mail?
I hope you all had an okay day…
Michelle- being you is something only you can do. As long as you are not pretending- you are you. Just hang in there, okay?
You said in a post to me that you knew that an “ed is a total different identitity in and of itself”, so why are you saying that stuff to Lisa when you know that one half of what she is saying is more than likely come from her ed rather than herself.
People may give out advice and rarely take their own but we are ALL guilty of that, you, me, everybody! but we are there for eachother and it their choice is people listen to what advice they are given! Not ours.
Basically I am saying now that this all has to stop! we all need to stop right now! WE are all arguing over one thing and thats just ridiculous! I asked one question which was should I tell everyone who I am. And now it is turned into something much larger.
I am sorry you are out Shelly but thats your choice and I respect it.
Everyone else, if you want to leave or stay is your choice and I respect that too.
Just let me know what you all want to do here, if you want me to close the forum i will.
I have tried so hard to make this a place for you all to come to and its basically now being thrown in my face, if that is going to carry on then I will just shut it down, at the end of the day again I will repeat, I TOOK ON THIS FORUM FOR YOU ALL!! and if you dont want it anymore then just say so.
this is the last thing I am going to say about this. I am not trying to start a fight or anything I think it is just because I am so sad for many people on here. I really do worry and I get sad. Like you nats, when I read you had a heart attack I was in complete shock…I felt so helpless and worried. And sheri-damn. It makes me physically sick with worry for her. I just know you guys write about lonliness and I think dyinng from an ED and suicide are possibly the too most lonely deaths possible. Only those who have been through it now the despair and isolation one feels being trapped in that deep dar place of their mind.
Nats, I dont think you should tae the forum down. Why would I get so pissed and frustrated at some people on here if I didnt care? I asked myself that last night. why do I let this effect me? Because I see some really strong people who are sick and I want so much more for them. I believe in them when they dont believe in myself. I think also, a lot of people experienced frustration with me and now I feel it to.
I now ED is a identity but everyone who remains stuck is making the choice to listen to that identity. ED’s are not choices, but staying sick is. I couldnt see that until I was in recovery because I believed it was something I didnt have control over.
Sheri-please hang in.
I think this forum is needed for people to vent. I am sorry for getting so frustrated and snippy. i just see potential in a lot of people on here.
I was going to say something..
but I think you’d all get mad at me and I think it might trigger some pretty serious thoughts. Therefore, I will keep it to myself.
Sheri- I hope that you find peace.. in whatever you do. I just hope that maybe, just maybe you’d find something that will allow you to move forward. I hope that you’ll listen to the doctors because they know more than any of us combined. I hope that you’ll also help yourself.
Nats- I think it’s weird that you were TS all along. But, I mean whatever floats your boat. I created a new identity on this one website before so that others wouldn’t know it was me. No one cared though, so it never mattered if I said it was me or not. We care about you. Well, I do. I’m glad you were brought into my life. I really hope that you find peace, as well. You really deserve it. I think you’re kind of like me. We both really want to help everyone else, but aren’t willing to help ourselves.
I can deal with me slowly dying.. but if you are, too.. that doesn’t make this world very fun, does it.
Sheri,
You are so beautiful, sensitive and strong. You know that there is not a woman on this forum who doesn’t feel so strongly about you that your frightening message stopped our hearts. Each and every one of us, I am sure. Know that you are loved, and not just by us – the weak and imperfect women that we are – but by your Creator – the one who gave you life and will give you the power to heal. How can anyone see a wound heal and not KNOW that there is a God who designed our flesh and blood.
And Nats. Your strength is astonishing. For the punishment you have put your body through, the fact that you are still alive at all is a feat I marvel at. God must surely have plans for you, or you would not still be here. But you have to ask yourself. What are you getting from being sick? Why do you hold fast to it? The possibilities of life are enormous. I have lived through molestation, abortion, the illness of my husband, the near loss of my son. The rape of my daughter and her subsequent illness. And life is worth it. It gets tough sometimes. And what we have to hold onto is eachother. Loving one another is worth it. For the reason you come to this Board….clinging to one another, and helping one another experience the love of God. It’s worth it. You know it is worth it. You give out healing strength. Accept it.
Michelle,
I read your post about who you are. You are in the same “performance” place my daughter was in, and are about the same age. Know one thing. People your age are at a weak point. MOST of you are striving rather than being. It is the nature of that time of life. I don’t know if this will make sense to you, but try to connect to someone for real. You are a strong young woman. You have gone LONG periods of time not purging. You will be able to find recovery if you will allow for a real connection with someone. I hear you talk about a lack of trust toward people often. That is the only thing I see that is missing in your life. Sometimes you let your father in, and then I see your heart lift. Let people in. I believe that alone could help make you well.
Kim/Shelly,
As you guys continue to fight for your recovery and your lives, think to where you were at your sickest and remember how far you have come and remember that you NEVER want to return to that point. Remember that ED is a lying bastard. The images you see in the media and in magazines are promoted by lying bastards. The people you see in those pictures rae miserable. They are not happy. I threw away an Urban Outfitters catalog in a RAGE this past weekend. Every model looked sick. The phony poses they were in were a joke. None of those girls can get out of bed on a bad day. I’ll bet that more than 1/2 of them had an ED. Who the HELL thinks that this is how our girls should live?? Afraid and sick? Screw that. You were made for love and for life. Pain and fear are part of it. Face it. Press on. If you seek God, he’ll help you through. ED won’t. He’ll keep you cowering in the corner. You both are past that point. Keep pressing. Keep feeling hope.
MissA….haven’t heard about your MRI yet? YOu have been heavily in my thoughts. I think some physical healing (and some sunshine, your boys and FISHOIL!!! will give you hope. YOu are strong.
Ais, You are young. Fight now. This disease gets nothing but harder. You are incredibly strong for your age. You are smart,tough and reponsible. You like to read. Seek those places where others have found strength. I believe that strength comes through your creator. Perhaps if you look there, you will find it.
Lisa,
I think that Shelly’s post to you is powerful. Please reread it. Decide. Don’t let ED decide for you. Search yourself for YOUR decision.
I hope that my post did not make anyone feel pointed at or accused. There is just a piece of all of you that knows there is only one choice. Only one. None of you here would consciously allow you to do this to anyone else. You know that it is wrong to do it to yourselves.
Mrs. B, I haven’t heard any news yet. Hopefully tomorrow. I would get some sunshine, if only the sun would shine. I have taken fish oil before, but it caused me to belch a lot and I hate the taste of fish. I promise, however, to look into finding a different kind just for you. And me. Thank you for the messages you have been leaving. They mean a lot to me.
Sheri’s will broke today- her therapist (who was on vacation, seeing as it is a holiday) came to visit her, and I guess Sheri just cried and cried and cried, and talked about everything she had been hiding. The two of them were together for almost three hours this afternoon.
Sheri is submitting an application to an eating disorder treatment center here in the city and if she can get on there, she will be leaving the hospital in a few days to a week.
They called me to go see her this afternoon, and she asked me to apologize to all of you.
This is what she said:
“Guys, I need to take my own advice. I’m good at giving it, and supporting other people- but I need to accept support for myself and follow my own advice. I’m sorry for what I did guys, and I hope you can forgive me. I’m gonna get better- ALL the way better. No secrets this time. I love you ALL so much. Love, Sheri”
Well- I guess we shall see what happens. I love my sister, and I need to make sure I’m healthy enough to help her too.
MissA….LOL. The brand I bought is by Nature’s Way. It is called Fisol. I think it came in two sizes and I think I have the smaller size cuz the big ones were ginormous. I don’t taste a fish taste at all.
Not having a good day today. I don’t want to bring others down by being negative, so I won’t post all that is going on. I mostly feel overwhelmed. The slightest thing like going to the post office just seems overwhelming.
I haven’t heard from the doctor yet. If I don’t hear anything in the next few hours, I will call this afternoon. I’m also going to make an appointment to discuss other things. Like the way I’m feeling.
Since everyone seems to miss when we posted positive things for the day, I’m going to start again. So my positive for the day is I went to the store and bought fish oil supplements. I also bought vitamins and calcium supplements.
I LOVED your positive. I may be imagining thing, but I feel a surge of mental energy these days….maybe it’s the fish oil. Maybe it’s just that I am recovering from my sinus infection!
Either way, I’m LOVING it!
My positive for the day….I feel energized and POSITIVE!! Jes is doing really well. She avoids what hurts her and stays close to what works for her. It’s all good, as they say.
I am still in a good mood lol My little bro is getting an award of excellence tonight at school. i’m so proud of him The poor little guy has gone through so much he deserves to be rewarded so yep i’ll be sitting in a school hall tonight for like 3 hours when i should be studying for a big test tomorrow but what can you do if i dont go there’ll be nobody there for him and he dont deserve it. So i might take a friend along with me.
Nats hun i think i always knew you were ts it just didn’t click until you said it but i think either way you are amazin and yes nobody can make descions for you they can only guide you and if you choose not to take the advice then people will still give it to you just remember you are amazing What the ahir turn out like =P
MrsB you are as always just such a wonderful person. You are so kind and always seem to find the best in people. Yes I am young but I have experienced a lot of life’s lessons too early and have had to grow up a lot more then others my age I don’t think I would call it being tough or responsible I think its just surviving. I have had troubles with religion throughout my life especially the way the local church have treated my family and I know I cant judge the actions of one church on a whole religion but in Ireland there is a lot of controversy surrounding the catholic church and My family have been directly effected. I guess I cannot in my head separate the church from god so I am having trouble finding a path to follow.
MissA You are such a strong person and hopefully your scan will come back a okay
Sarah how is my partner in crime? Haven’t heard from you in a while I hope your simply spiffing?
Everyone else I hope you all are good???
My positive for the day would be it was probably the first day I went to school with everything done and managed to concentrate and could actually sit down with absolutely no pain from bruises or injuries so yes today was defo a good day
Love you all
Ais x x x
Remember “Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.”
hehe but Aisling the smiley faces are good! it is all for the cause of our devious plan =P i am glad you are having a good day. i think that even just reading when people are being so positive on here, it helps put me in a more positive, happy mood
i got an award at school last night. i had to go up on stage. and i have really bad anxiety bout stuff like that. the second i walked off stage, i left. forgot my brother was there lol. i was too focused on not fainting or crying or something. ah well.
Steph- hola. how are you doin today hun? i hope u are alright. thanks for passing on my message. it was nice to chat with you
MissA- i promise i WILL write today. lol. have not the last couple days. but i am not busy now, so as soon as i am done with this, k? i hope you have a better day hun. take care of yourself <3
TS- what color is your hair then?? i wanna see it =P hope u r having a good day. love you!
Mrs.B.- got your email. tho i was reading it at school so i did not have proper time to respond. and im also gonna check out those links and see what this fish oil stuff is. hope you have a good day
i had a complete suckish night erm sunday night. but im okay now. sooo, yah its okay. I am in a good mood today. i am just very sleeeepy.
Sarah,
Glad you are feeling better.
Congrats on your award! I agree. I like smileys, too.
Sassy Sistah Nats (A new name for you!)
What color is your hair? I’m sure my hair is gray somewhere under the blonde. But nobody will EVER see that! Unless I get alzheimers and can no longer dye it for me!
I hope that Jes will take pity on me then and keep my hair dyed!!
hey all!
Sarah my baby sis I love you and I’m so proud of you!!
Sorry I haven’t been online got stuff going on at moment the joy!! But I’m back and more twisted than ever with my new PURPLE hair! Yes purple! Hey I got bored ok?? Haha
sarah- hun r u ok? wat did u let happen hun? hope ur ok, x
miss A- hav u heard anythink back from ur mri scans yet? hope all is well wid that hun. x let us no wen u can hun. we worry about u x
im feeling really strange 2day, my moods have been up and down all day, one time im fine and talking 2 people, and the next im in a bad mood and not talking to anyone and feeling really low, i duno wats happening with me, i usallay get bad mood swings but not normally this bad- its so annoying- does anyone else get this? is it anything 2 worry about? i feel like im 2 different people, just trapped in one body, like they are sharing my body and arguing with each other, i must sound a complete freak saying this!!!
hope uve all had a good day, and that ur ok,
love u guys lots
lisa xx
Lisa hun i get ,ood swings when i fast for long periods of time but i think like missA said you should talk to your doctor bout it
Nats chicks i hope you are ok. Purple sounds deadly I want a pic lol
Well i spent all night last night bored out of my tree listening to numerous amounts of people get awards. My little bro just walked on stage got it and walked off. So the rest of the time i was watching strangers kids get awards but it was worth it after my little bro ran up afterwards and gave me a big hug and said thanks for being there. He made me cry in front of everyone lol =P
Ais x x x
“Don’t try to blend in when you’re born to stand out”
Ais,
That was so sweet to go for your brother. You got a taste of parenthood. I can’t tell you how many nights I spent like that
It is so important to your kids.
Well, today was a happy day.
I had a long talk with Jes’s boyfriend about the things that she needs to take care of. He’s so good about getting her to move forward on things and she got several of her appts. set up. Yea.
This afternoon Jes called me and said that she wants to stay with her boyfriend and his roommates this fall. A year ago, I would have hated that idea, but this young man has just proven himself over and over as having the kind of character that I would have dreamed my daughter to find. In his words, “It’s not a big thing, I’m just looking after her.” He’s forgiven her all kinds of terrible things. He’s just there. He’s honest and gentle and strong all in one. Their house is new and in a nice neighborhood close to campus. It’s good and it will be inexpensive.
So he watches over Jes and we’re going to help him get an education. Somehow I feel like God always makes a way.
Jes got a call today from the Pet Hotel asking her to call them right away because she looked like a great candidate. It remains to be seen whether she will be able to really deal with a job yet, but it made her happy that they were so excited about meeting with her.
Mrs. B, I am glad you have good news about Jes. That makes me happy. She is going to make it!! Her and her boyfriend are both lucky to have you and you them. God is working eh!! I am hoping God will help me through when my meds run out before I can get new coverage in August. I am going to try the fish oil pills for sure. I just need to know what kind you recommend.
I hope everyone else is doing good and working daily to make healthy choices for themselves. That is really all we can do, make good choices and better things will happen and come our way. It took me along, long time but I am finally starting to see it happen in my life. It is so worth it!! I want you to all have it too!! Take care all, love ya, kimxxx
Mrs. B
Great to hear such good news.
I also have some good news actually. My psycologist has really made me think about things, especially my relationship with my closest friends at school. Me and my best friend have needed a talk for a long time now…Her standards for me are way too high, and she expects too much…It’s really hard for me to say that, because I have never said anything against her, and she’s my best friend ever! But now tomorrow, I’ll be setting some standards. I’m a little scared for their reaction, but this time I just have to say it like it is.
The largest realization I have made so far, is that I feel no matter what I do, no matter what choice I make, it’s never good enough…I just want my friends to be happy with me, and see that I’m doing my best to uphold everything
And because of all the other difficult things around me, I have lost myself!
Alex,
Good luck with that conversation! People can have very high expectations for oneanother….even when they are not really willing to give that much themselves. Human Nature, as they say.
I am reading the book of John right now. I’ve always told you that the Bible always brings something new to my attention. I was reading in the book of John, Chapter 4 where Jesus, who is a Jew, comes across a Samaritan woman at a well…the woman, as a Samaritan, is not supposed to talk to Jews….Jews were “better” than Samaritans in the perception of the culture. But Jesus stood and spoke with her for a long time. The woman was unmarried and living with a man, and had been divorced 5 times. Jesus still gave her his full attention and told her about God and his love for her. Jesus always took the time and shared his good message with everyone…regardless of their “place” in life and regardless of their sin.
So Alex, there you go. You are good enough. Just as you. Jesus says that you are good enough. You are. Just as you are. If your friend doesn’t accept you as you are, they are the ones who need an attitude readjustment – but be patient with them. Because they are human too. Love them. Just as you need love, so do they.
For all of us…be patient with one another. Be patient with parents who don’t understand. Be patient with yourselves. You were all created perfectly. If you keep seeking Truth, you will keep moving forward. Bad stuff will keep coming, but you will get through it fine if you will keep seeking, keep patient and keep loving.
Good thing for the day…..beautiful sunshine, a happy daughter and husband. God is good, eh?
Funny for the day…my son is a high school freshman (he’s grade accelerated so he is very young for his grade – but he’s so cute.)
At homecoming time last year he wanted to go so badly. I bought him all the requisite dress duds and he looked so handsome. When his dad took him to the dance, he got to the door and discovered that he had bought the wrong ticket. The ticket he bought was to the game – not the dance. He had gotten into the wrong line at school. His dad argued for him at the door, but with no luck. He came home all sad.
Come to find out….I learned last night….it happened to have been his first real date. And he stood her up. He hasn’t had the nerve to speak to the girl since. He is still heartbroken about it and still likes the girl. She doesn’t even know what happened.
So, the girl thinks he stood her up. I told him he needs to tell her what happened. Things are just not always as they seem!!
Love to everyone. Enjoy your days.
There is a lot of good in the world. Seek it.
My positive for the day, the sun is shining and its supposed to be a nice weekend. I don’t have to work tomorrow (yeah). I’ve been trying to make sure I drink plenty of water and I found this flavored kind that I love, Dansani raspberry flavored. I usually don’t like flavored water, but it tastes great.
So I guess I have a few positives for the day.
Mrs. B, your son really should tell the girl what happened. All this time she thought he stood her up. It must have been a horrible situation for them both.
Alex, It is good to set boundries with the people we love. I hope it goes well and your friend understands.
Sarah,what’s up chica? Up for another cereal date?
Nats, I’m sorry you are angry with me. Honesty, right? I love you.
I’m totally rocking my new hair! But I think I prefer the blonde! Hummmm walhat colour to go next?! Suggestions anyone?
Glad to see you posting again alex! Havemissed you!
Sarah my sister) for life always you know that I love you!
Struggling like hell at moment but I’m trying to get through it so I might not be around so much just need to sort myself out and figure out my next move!
Hey everyone.
I am feeling really dizzy and like i am going to be sick. I don’t know why because i ate a bowl of cereal yesterday. So I should be alright, hmm well i will lie down in a bit so i dont pass out. and today is just not a good day and is going to be worse soon. bleghh.
MissA- the sun is shining here too =] hehe well duh cuz u are only like a hour away. how was your day, good i hope? <3
Nats- babe i am sorry you are havin a hard time right now. please know that i love you so much and i am here for you always. you are my sis and i want you to be alright. so please take care of yourself hun.
Mrs.B.- thank you again- a thousand times!! i read about your son and went AWWWWWWWW. i hope everything goes alright with him and telling that girl. you always have such positive messages to share with us, thank you. I am glad you are having a good day =]
Alex- my friend. whats up?! i am glad you are getting all of this sorted out. i hope this relieves some of that stress and pressure you were under. good luck hun. i also have to have a tough convo with a friend today. school is almost over hooray!!
Aisling- sorry babe, did not do it last might. but look now, is this long enough? =P how is our evil plan holding up lol. love you babe, have a fabulous day! =]
Kim- hun it makes me so happy to see how well you are doing. keep on it hun you are doing great. =]
Lisa- how you doing today hun? i have mood swings too. perhaps its cuz im a 15 yr old girl =P lol. but i do know what you mean. but i do think you should talk to your docs. hope you are doing well. take care xxxx
Steph- how are you doing?? and how is sheri? hope all is well with you
Michelle, Shelly, Laura, everyone- how are you all doing??
Hey everyone
I am ok I suppose a little nervous about tomorrow the hospital called said they want me to go for a check up. Apparently a member from the school called and said they were concerned about my “unexplained injuries”, my absences from school and about my weight loss. Grr it’s so annoying why cant people just mind their own business. I am doing just fine and don’t need anyone to look out for me I have survived this long by myself and when I did need help there was nobody to help and now when I can mange they decide to try and help its so frustrating. But I have to go as I’m not yet classed as an adult I’m only 17 and in Ireland you’re an adult at 18 so they can get a court order and I would have to go anyway so I guess I’ll go up tomorrow and see what happens. But it means I’ll have to ask one of my friends to take the day off school to mind my sister’s kids which just messes up a lot of things. Urgh people should really stop trying to interfere I can cope and I can’t risk being put into hosp again. The summer hols are coming up and if I’m not there who’s going to mind the little ones? argh I’m so mad
Sorry for the big long rant i hate being angry and I tend to worry so I’m sorry for taking up uber amounts of space.
But i will try and stay positive it’s the least I can do to put on a brave face after all I have to set an example. I love them all to bits and couldn’t bear to be apart from them for too long so hopefully it really is just a check up!
Sarah our evil plan doesn’t seem to be working maybe a bit of fine tuning is needed lol =P Maybe have a strawberry or two!! lol We were just talking bout them last night =P
MrsB I read the post about your son and had the same reaction as Sarah lol but I guess the poor girl must be feeling dreadful. He should really explain what happened and maybe he still might be in with a chance
Positive for the day : I think I did fine on my Chemistry final well half of the final we have the rest next week. Well I have all of my finals next week uh oh lol!
Love you all
Ais xxx
“I’d rather be hated for who i am, than be loved for someone i am not”
Aisling, it’s okay you can leave a long rant anytime you need to.:)
Sarah, sorry your not feeling well. I hope you feel better soon.
I have another positive for the day, though some may not think it is positive , I made another appointment with my doctor. I go next thursday to tackle the next issue.
News from the land of 24hr days, 24hr nights and SNOW!
Sheri has made it to the inpatient waiting list @ the local EDRC (Eating Disorder Recovery Center) and… well… I started outpatient therapy there today.
I guess I have to say it- I too, have an eating disorder. I didn’t want to admit it for a LOOOOOONG time, but now I’m getting help. I saw Sheri in the hospital, and she looked so sick, and tired and sad. I’m her identical twin- and I KNEW that if I kept on going like this, denying a problem, I would look exactly like that, and I didn’t want to. There’s nothing attractive about weighing less than God intended you too… I’m sorry, but on a 5 foot 6 inch frame? 90lbs doesn’t cut it. It’s horrible.
I’m proud of you for acknowledging the truth about your health and wellbeing.
That acknowledgment is the first step toward the road back. That road can be twisty and long, It can have diversions and detours, but unless you start putting one foot in front of the other and walking forward, standing where you are will lead to death.
Your life is worth more than that.
I was just giggling to myself, I was scrolling down the page to get to the bottom as you do and all I saw was all these little yellow dots! All the smilies just flashing past for some reason it made me laugh! I think im weird! haha
Sheri babe, be strong, you are an amazing person and I miss you so much. I hope your ok and know that I love you.
Steph – You have done a big thing just by admitting you have an ED, thats one of the biggest things that needs to be done when you have an ED. I am proud of you for what you have done, and I am glad that you are seeing that you do not wish to live your life that, thats great too! You have all of our support always and we all love you and sheri!
Sarah, I dont really know what to say babe, except Bananas and trousers! I think that will put a little grin on your face lol
Aisling – Thank you for your kind words towards me, I think you are an amazing strong person who has the weight of the world on her shoulders, you are amazing babe and I know that you are going to come out the other end of this and make a huge difference to the world. I hope all went well at the hospital!
Mrs B, Miss A, Laura, Shelly, all of you, I hope you are all ok and doing alright. I miss you all!
lol i’d say most of thoose smileys were from either me or my crime buddy lol
well my internet is finally working =P it wouldnt work last night very well :S anywho yeah hospital went well but it also didnt if that makes sense =P Em they didnt keep me in tg cause i duno who would of minded the little ones. But they want me to come back in a month cause they’re worried about my low weight and if my ed is coming back. I told them it was due to stress and they believed me doctors are so easy to fool and I duno i did all the usual tricks to bring my weight up when they weighed me but even the number shocked me it wasnt that low but i didnt realise i had lost so much i have been way lower before but i guess i thought i was doing it a healthy way ok welli dont know what i thought and now i’m making no sense what so ever lol so i’ll just stop Em i have all my exams next week all my end of year ones so hopefully i’ll do well but i doubt it ah well what can ya do
Steph well done girl the first step to recovery is admitting you have an ed. You can fight this i know you can
Nats hun they are not kind words they are merely the truth
MissA i hope the doctors goes well for you and you get all the time to tell her whats bothering. You are an amazing mother and your boys are lucky to have you
Everybody else i hope you are all doing supoib
Another long message lol i really should stop waffling.
Ais xxx
“Don’t try to blend in when you’re born to stand out”
Nats, you know I love you and will be here for you. I’m proud of you for deciding to get help.
Sarah, How are you today? I hope the party went okay last night.
Aisling, Glad it went okay at the doctors. You amaze me with your strength. Good luck on your exams next week. I don’t know if I will get time to go over everything with my doctor, but I have accepted that it may take a while. This is what happens when you avoid going to the doctor for so long.
Steph, good for you for admitting you also suffer from and ED. That’s the first step to getting better. I hope Sheri is doing okay. Please tell her that we miss her.
Mrs. B, hope your having a good weekend. I’ve decided to take my fish oil at night. That way if I burp or hiccup I don’t taste the fish. Man those pills are huge though. I got the kind where you only have to take one a day. I never thought about how huge they would be. I don’t have a problem swallowing pills, so its really not a big deal, but I think those are the biggest pills I’ve ever taken.
I hope everyone else is having a good weekend. I went out to dinner last night with a friend. She had said she wanted Mexican, so I was stressing all day yesterday about it. Instead we went to an all-you-can-eat buffet, so I was able to make healthy selections. They had lots of fruits, veggies, and grilled chicken so it was okay. Today I have a headache, but I have taken some medicine so hopefully it will get better soon. Have a good day everyone.
Yay new Forum..
I’m going to take a career aptitude test sometime in the next week because I don’t feel like I will be happy enough being an actuary.
Maybe this will show me my strengths and weaknesses and I can assess them accordingly.
Last night I was very suicidal. I don’t know what hit me but I really just did not want to live anymore. I even wrote a note. It was so depressing. I went to this one site though and read about some of the reasons why my depression is getting worse or maybe why I feel even worse after each suicide attempt. It’s really interesting how the mind tricks itself into believing something.
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
That’s the site. After you read the ‘five minute calm down’ as I like to call it, it continues on to talk about Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and other things.
That wasn’t a cry for help or anything, I just mainly wanted to share that site with people. It is a really great help. If you are dealing with anyone who is suicidal, send them there if they don’t seem to be listening to you. It has helped me every single time I wanted to end my life.
I went to the clinic here at OSU because I thought something was wrong with my tonsils (turns out they are fine, I just had a build up of something there and she just removed it quickly for me.) and I had to fill out the new patient forms. Well, there were questions about your past history. I had to fill in things like how I was depressed, or how I had a severe case of Necrotizing Fasciitis and I also wrote about how I was bulimic for several months. Though I was never diagnosed or treated, I went through self-recovery. Well, after the doctor assessed my tonsils, she looked through my paperwork. She saw that I wrote about my bulimia and she goes “hm.” I go, “Is there something wrong?” “Yea, it says here you were bulimic, and went through self-recovery?” “That is correct.” “How long ago were you bulimic?” “It started this past Sept. and I started recovery in January.” “I don’t believe that. Are you trying to seek attention?” “No.. why would I admit that I had an eating disorder if I didn’t actually have one?” “Well, you’re just not skinny enough to have an eating disorder.”
Coming from a doctor.
Thanks.
Doesn’t she know that most bulimics are healthy weight?
Whatever. That’s why I hate doctors!
Anyway, I have to get going. I have class here in point two seconds.
I hope everyone has a good day!
-Michelle
Holy Crap, Michelle. I never cease to be amazed by how STUPID some people are! Yikes.
Thanks for posting the website of the place where you got help for your suicidal thoughts. My daughter has struggled with suicidal thoughts as well. Perhaps she will find the site helpful too. I will pass it along to her.
Mrs. B.
Twistsis,Again….thanks for keeping us rolling. I truly hope that you’re having a good day.
Michelle, it’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry about your experience with the doctor. I think that is why some of us have such a hard time being honest about our EDs. If you are not emaciated, people think you can’t possibly have an ED. I’ve never been extremely thin. In fact, I have had 100 lb. fluctuations in my weight, depending on the symptoms I am “acting on”. I have an appointment with a new doctor soon, and I am going to try to be completely honest with her. I guess the reaction I get will help me decide if she is the doctor for me. If I get the same reaction as you, I would not go back to her.
A little story about me being honest. About a year ago I went for a nerve condution test on my elbows and hands. When I was filling out the paper work, it asked about past of present drug use. I admitted that I had smoked pot about eleven years ago. The doctor actually thanked me for being honest about it. I thought it was kind of funny to be thanked for admitting I used drugs of a decade ago. Anyways, I hope you are feeling okay, and have a good day.
From your fellow Buckeye.
Yay new forum!
nothing new really to comment on. except for the fact that i need to learn how to say ‘NO’. once again it has got me into a sticky situation. why am i such a people-pleaser?! bah, this will be a fun one to get out of.
<3 Sarah
I played hookey from work on Monday. It just makes it even harder for me to go back when I do that. All day long I just think about how much I hate my job. How I wish I could quit my job. How the day will never end and I feel like I’m going to die before the day is over. To make matters worse, I go in today and find out my friend was transfered to a new area and my team leader is getting transfered to a new area on Monday. No one like the team leader we are getting. I’ve never worked with her before, so I’m going to try to give her a chance, it’s just hard to do when so many negative people are around me. I find myself being a very negative person on the days that I work. Sometimes I feel like I am just not a nice person. I feel like working where I have for all these years has made me a mean person.
MissA i am sure you are not a mean person. you seem lovely on here. =] it is kind of hard to stay positive when everyone else around you is being so negative. just try to be the light in the darkness! i have recently become friends with a boy who i was told was a jerk. but i like him, so i dont really care that other people dont.
well, have a wonderful rest of the day and try to stay positive.
Go Bucks lol (am wearing their shirt right now actually) =]
<3 Sarah
Oh my…I got a letter today and I was beng sued for 5,000 dollars!! from a medical bill. Anorexia is expensive. The bummer is that I was actually paying it but they somehow fucked it up and now I am being sued. lovely. Normally I would be looking for the nearest rope to hang myself, but I decided to go about a little differently this time. (I did leave a nasty, not so nice voicemail on some random woman’s machine at the place). So I made a few calls and then I went and applied for a job. I have no idea if I am ready to work yet (my panic attacks make it hard for me to do so). So I went to this place and only intended to grab an applicationa and because they are so hard up for nurses the next thing I know I am in an interveiw!! Nightmare! Never mind the gaps in my employment history (I decided to lie on this because I dont think it would look good to say “oh…I was in a treatment center”) I was soooooo nervous. And then I said my skills were up to date even though I am not sure if they are!!!
but here’s the thing. Maybe I am just telling myself I am not reay because I am just scared to admit that I am finally and really and truly ok and I am really getting better. (that is hard to do) So the only way I am going to find out is to do it. Just go for it and If I fail it will definately not be the first time!!! for sure…and I will deal with that then. What do I have to lose. nada. absolutely nothing. Except I could lose out on a great joba and meeting new people. I am going to go for it. I think I rocked the interview so hopefully I will get the job. I will be kind of pissed if I dont. seriously.
hope everyone has a good day.
shelly
Good to see you have all moved over here. Take it easy!
mamaV
Guys,
I am really considering the military.
I received a general information packet today and these are the first few sentences.
“There are Americans who aspire to nothing more than personal gain and comfort. But there are also Americans who understand the comforts we enjoy are precious and hard won. These few are of a particular mold that has been cast and recast since our nation was young. They are the ones who recognize the honor in service, and the value of defending every freedom. These few will be leaders others look to, and they will have a hand in securing our way of life for generations to follow. They will be Marine Officers.”
I was inspired.
I know that entire paragraph was all just pretty words to make someone feel inspired, but I really feel like that person they are talking about is me.
I know that you have to fight to gain anything in this world. I know see the honor in serving others, specially my country. I defend everything that I do and realize that we need to continue to defend our freedoms. I realize that our country is free because we fight to keep it this way.
I want to be a Marine Officer.
Sarah, Thanks. I was just venting about work. Sometimes I feel like I’m a different person when I am work. I think it is because everyone is so negative. I don’t think there is one person I know that actually likes working there. Part of the problem also is that I am in a lot of pain while I am working. That tends to make me grouchy and mean. It doesn’t help that people tend to think I can’t possibly have the problems I have because I only work part-time.
Shelly, I’m sorry to hear you are getting sued. I hope you can get it straighted out soon. Congratulations on your job interview. I think it is amazing how much insight you have about how your anxiety affects why you do things.
Michelle, I respect all the officers in our military, but I hope you will continue to think about it before you join the Marines.
Nats, I’m sorry you are going through a hard time. Please let us know how you are doing. You are LOVED.
I’ve been messing around with my wordpress account, and I just uploaded an avatar. Just checking to see if it works.
Huh, didn’t work. Oh well.
well, back from party. one tonight, one tomorrow. all i can say is oh. my. god.
lol, wow. it was very very ummmm, yeah.
but i am so awake. and excited for party tomorrow! i do not think i will go to bed! even though i am pretty much regreting a couple of things tonight already. kids experiment though i guess, all part of growing up. and there was no food, which i was afraid of. party food is usually like greasy pizza, oreos, and soda. eww. well, i’m going to go do something active, as i cannot sit still! jeez i have not had so much energy in a while!!!
<3 Sarah
Hi Guys!!
So is this forum ok? Or is there anything anyone want sto see on it etc to make it better?
I came on this morning to find that the forum on mamaVISION has closed, and even though we all knew it was going to happen, it wasn’t nice to see it all bare with nothing on it.
I hope this one will be just as helpful to you all.
TS
TS- forum is just fine! i just hope everyone can find it okay. yes, i was sad to see mv forum gone. but this one is here! so it is all good. thanks for putting it up. =]
<3 Sarah
Hey Sarah,
Your on late huh!
Its Nats by the way, had to set up an account on here and some person has already stolen Nats!! So I am now NatSplat hehe
MissA,
Ill be ok.
Nats
Hello Nats!
am glad to see you on here. how are you doin hun? better i hope.
<3
Hey babe,
Im ok, just tired, tired of everything really, but there we go!
Other than that I just feel numb now, like there is no feeling left.
How you doing babe?
Nats
xxx
you may be tired and numb now, but when you get better and allowed to leave hospital you will feel better! you gotta take it easy for a little while though.
am doing pretty good. still not tired! it is 2:15 in the a.m. (yes the a.m. – which is not weird! lol)
<3
Sarah,
The fact that it is AM there is not weird, whats weird is how you wrote it, you know the “in the am” bit. Why dont you just say its 2:15 am??? lol
Im trying to take it easy babe but its not happening too much stuff is going on and I am needed by people and I cant help them being here! So I want out.
meeeeeee
Nats,
whatever, it sounds just fine! lol.
i know it must be hard having to stay there. but you gotta do it! as much as you are needed by other people, you are needed more in the hospital. you have to help yourself first! you need to get better and you deserve that for yourself. stick it out, stay strong, stay in hospital ;]
xxxx
<3 Sarah
Sarah,
I have always been there for other people and I want to be there for them.
Its like when I first came here, I had noone, and I hate the thought of people having noone, so I am Someone to people and they then have someone.
Nats
xxx
Nats,
Yes, I know. You were the first person there for me when i came to mamaV. and i am sooooo thankful for that! but hun, you can do that and take some time for yourself and for your recovery. you need to get well before you can think about spending all of your time helping others. you have a wonderful heart and that is why you are helping people! but hun, nats deserves time to get better! you need time for YOU. Plus you don;t gotta do it all on your own. There are plenty of wonderful people here who i am sure would be more than willing to talk to someone if they need.
<3
Babe I am not saying I wanna do it all alone and I know people here would help too! They do help, I mean people in my life who arent on here babe.
And I always put others first, always have xx
regardless, you still need time for yourself. i am a people-pleaser too. and want to be doing stuff for other people, not me. so i know. but you need to be kind to yourself. mkay love?
<3
Love???? How old are you?? 90??? HAHA
Sorry babe but I believe I am here to try and help people! Not me, others. Dont know why, but I do!
love youuuuu
meeee
IM GOING HOME THIS AFTERNOONNNNNNN WOOOOO
no. im ‘feisty’ fifteen lol, remember. that is great that you like to help others. but listen: you need to take care of yourself!!! i will say it a billion times, it is true. well, good night babe
<3 Sarah
WOOOOOOOOO! lol
LOL goodnight babe, love you always and ill be here when you wake up!
Love
Nats
xxxx
Good morning to all those just waking up!!
Everyone- about half an hour ago i was talking to nats on yahoo and then she got these pains:
“ooouccchhh!!!! gonna call nurse something not right, starting to run out of breath and my chest hurts!”
she says to tell you all that she will be back later if she can. im so scared! please please pray for her!!!
<3
Hello guys!!
im here on the new forum now! thanks so much TS for hosting the new open forum, ur a star babe.
Nats- babes i really hope ur ok hun, ur in my prays darling. let us know how u are wen u can. would love 2 hear from u. xx
Sarah Mic– how are u hun? u doing ok? xxx
I have some big news to tell you all- on monday im allowed to go back to college! the drs think that it could help me with things, help get my confidence back and to help me get used 2 being with a group of people again, this will be the first time being back at college in 7 months- and im so damm scared, the teachers and most of the students there have not seen me for 7 months so they are going to have a shock wen i come back, i think they have been told already but i still scared that they are just going to stare at me- you see i was EDNOS when i first let-sort of on the way to anorexia at that stage and now im anorexic and apparently its really noticible so when i go back to college i am sure im going to have everyone staring at me and asking questions, and thats really not what i want, i just want to be treated normally- this is one of the things that makes me not want to go back college again. the drs said that i would only be able to go back to college on for half days twice a week to begin with- which is going to make it even worse because il have to keep on missing things. i really don’t want to go back, but everyone keeps on saying its going to be good for me…. but i have other thoughts on it….. what do u guys think i should do?
Hope ur all ok– take care
Lisa x x x
Nats!!!
I hope you are OK!!! I’m worried!
Shelly, I’m still paying on my daughter’s medical bills. It’s tough, isn’t it? You must have a great husband to be patient with the bills. I’m glad my daughter isn’t married yet so that they are not saddled with the debt. We’re almost done finally…just the hospital bills left. The treatment center required everthing to be prepaid.
Sarah, When you go to parties, do try to stay away from substances. Adding those kinds of things make fighting ED harder. My daughter has just pretty much found a new group of friends and is switching colleges to get away from being in those kinds of circles. To be honest she’s really happier.
Lisa, glad to hear you are well enough to go to college, but I’m a little worried for you. Have you missed a lot? Can you catch up? Are you feeling anxious about it? We pulled my daughter completely out of college – she took a medical withdrawal. She’s considering now whether she’ll be ready this summer or better in the fall.
MissA – I really have trouble with negative people. Only problem – the two most negative people I know are my husband and daughter!!!
Are there any office jobs at your work? I still worry about your body. It just sounds like everything about your job is hard right now. And I don’t know about you, but when I feel down about anything it saps my energy.
TS – You are da bomb for hosting us. Thank you so much.
Michelle – I don’t know whether the marines are right for you or not – that is your decision. But I will tell you this. The Marines are a very elite group. They will challenge you to your core. I have never met a marine who did not have confidence and quiet strength. I can certainly see why you would want to be a part of something like that. I took a class once in Servant Leadership. They used the marines over and over as an organization that models Servant Leadership.
I’ll do an update soon on my daughter. Things are really going well.
Mrs. B, there are office jobs but you have to go through a temp office. I would have to work full-time and get paid less than half what I make now. I’d also have to find a baby-sitter. My sister watches them now, but I would feel bad about asking her to watch them full-time. Working in the office is something I may look into in the fall. Don’t worry, I’ll be okay.
Michelle, Have you thought about the Peace Corps? I wanted to join the Peace Corp when I was a kid. Sometimes I regret not doing it.
Nats, I hope you are okay. I know you feel the need to help other people, but you will not be any good to others unless you are good to yourself first. I do LOVE you!
Lisa, I’m worried about you going back to college too. At least it will only be two days a week. If you have trouble adjusting, you can always take another medical leave. It could also be very good for you, like the doctor thinks. ED wants you to itself. It doesn’t want you to be around other people. Being around others may be exactly what you need to get better right now. Good Luck! Let us know how it goes.
Mrs-b & Miss A—
yes i have missed a lot of college– about 8 months- im on a 3 year course- im not so sure if i can catch up- im really worried about it all, i dont no if i can face it again, im worried what people will think – and like u said miss a- my ED does want me 2 its self- so im worried my ed will take over me, and do the wrong things at college- if u get what i mean, i mean who is going to want to talk 2 me at college anyway? i may as well be invisble at college- im no good at friendships or socialising anymore, im a social retard really- i prefer to be alone, but i dont want it to be like that, but i see no way how to change. i have like 2 sides to my brain, one side is saying yes go to college it could do me some good- and the other side is really worried about it and saying that people will be trying to make me eat- and people will just think its all my own fault- im afraid that side is winning at the moment- im feeling so low about this all, i want to get better – but anorexia wont let me, i feel as im going to be stuck with anorexia for the rest of my life. i dont want to be used to all of this, i want to be normal again……. but how?
what is medial leave by the way?
Lisa xx
p.s so sorry if im going on too much, i have a tendersey to write to much and go on! so tell me if im going on too much.
Lisa, All that negative stuff is ED talking, you know that right? I would not worry so much about catching up right now. I think you will get the most benefit from it is you work on the social aspect right now. People may try to make you eat and may say stupid things to you. Don’t let it get to you. You have to remember most people do not understand EDs. It makes them uncomfortable. Try not to let it bother you.
Medical leave is when you take time off from school or work for medical reasons. Mrs. B. called it a medical withdrawal.
I don’t think you go on too much, put then again, I often write long posts.
medical bills over here are paid by our health insurance and if you dont have any the government pays for all the bills you just have to go on a waiting list unless its an emergency. is that not the way it is in America?
nats: hun i hope your all right. Will keep you in my thoughts xxx
Lisa: you should not worry about catching up you can always repeat the year again, but making a step like this is good for you as a person, it will help you overcome parts of your ed that it does not want you to i.e socialising. Right now all these thoughts is just your ed talking. Most people who have had no experiences with an ed are ignorant to what its like they think its as easy as just picking up a bar of chocolate and eating it. You shouldnt let these people effect you even though it is going to be hard remember this is a step towards a better future
Shelly: Congrats on the job interview
Sarah: snap am only back today was out last night and the night before and out all day
My head hurts a lot prob from the lack of sleep lol
missA: if you dislike your job so much why not change careers?
take care everyone
Aisling x x x x
Aisling, Good paying jobs are hard to find here. Many companies are going over seas and many companies are going out of business. The only reason I stay at my job is because it pays well enough that I can work part-time. It is important to me to be able to spend as much time as possible with my kids. When my youngest starts school in the fall, I plan on finding another job.
I just go back from having my oldest son’s birthday party at the bowling alley. He and his friends had a great time. I didn’t bowl because I did not want to aggravate my shoulder, but I had a good time anyways. Have a good day everyone.
Aisling, Good paying jobs are hard to find here. Many companies are going over seas and many companies are going out of business. The only reason I stay at my job is because it pays well enough that I can work part-time. It is important to me to be able to spend as much time as possible with my kids. When my youngest starts school in the fall, I plan on finding another job.
I just got back from having my oldest son’s birthday party at the bowling alley. He and his friends had a great time. I didn’t bowl because I did not want to aggravate my shoulder, but I had a good time anyways. Have a good day everyone.
sorry for the double post
Hello Everyone,
Please keep Nats in your prayers, she suffered a heart attack at 9:21 this morning. That is what the people at the hospital told me this morning. She hasn’t woke up yet. They said they would keep me informed and when I hear anything I will let you know. I hope everyone else is doing ok.
Miss A,
I know what it is like to want to get out of the hellish work place and start a job I like. I will leave you with this though, when you start to feel negative don’t let them bring you down, it just makes your day longer, trust me been there. This was sent to me by a friend and I want you to have it now:
Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean he was really friendly.
So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’ This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so….. ‘Love the people who treat you right. Forgive the ones who don’t.’
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!
Have a nice day!
Goodness, I hope Nats will be okay. It’s good she was already in the hospital.
I was Katie on the other forum. Does anyone get my new username? I’m such a geek, I know.
I tried to get here by googling “Twisted Sister.” I had absolutely no idea that was the name of a band!
haha Twisted Sister was an 80’s hair metal band. “We’re not going to take it.. NO We ain’t gonna take it.. no we’re not going to take it.. anymore.” Good for rocking out with while cleaning.
I walked today for 4 hours. I went to the Short North and looked in some shops then I went downtown. I LOVE downtown. Absolutely adore it. I went to the Statehouse and there is this little wall that has letters from soldiers to their wives/families/daughters/friends on it and I just sat and read all of them. They were so sad, but some were so fulfilling. One said this:
“I will never forget the things I learned here:
Friends are invaluable.
1) Never assume anything.
2) No matter how bad you don’t want to do something, see it through and make the best of it.
3) Home is where you make it.
4) Make things happen for yourself. Take charge of your life.
5) Don’t take the little things in life for granted.
6) If you really love someone, they’re always with you no matter where you are.
7) Teamwork.
9) Trust in yourself and your first instinct.
10) Don’t lose touch with your Creator.”
I wanted to set some things straight. Just because I come to this forum doesn’t mean I have an ED anymore. Now I feel as though I have been through the hell of it all and I can provide support. It is just such a habit for me to pop this window open and go here everyday that I can’t not talk about my day. Sure, maybe I’m depressed.. but that has nothing to do with eating or my body image. I don’t believe it is fair to say that I don’t have courage or that I don’t believe in myself. I do have courage. Damn, I have a TON of courage. If I didn’t have courage, I would have died about 5 years back.. well look at me. I’m still here, aren’t I? I do believe in myself. I trust myself to take care of me. I know what is right for me now and I can help myself. I don’t think you guys here realize just how strong willed I am to do things. When I put my mind to it, it gets done.
Yea, I have my bad days. Don’t we all. I’m getting over that. I have been rewiring my brain for the past few months now and last week was a bad week because everything was going TOO well for me. I wasn’t used to it. Now I am.
I just want you to know that I am fine. My depression is subsiding little by little every time I talk with my dad about things. I don’t NEED to go to a doctor for things like that. I just NEED family. Family that I didn’t have growing up. I now have my dad and after I told him about how I was feeling about my major and the marines, etc. I felt 100% better.
All of my days here on out will be lived with the best of my ability. I am going to live for today because tomorrow has it’s own troubles. I am going to forget about the past and look towards the future, but there is nothing like today because the present is a gift from God.
You never know when your life is going to be taken from you.
I also read a letter today that simply stated “Dear Mr. and Mrs. Paradms, We are sorry to inform you that your son has been killed in line of duty while serving for his country with honor in (insert battalion here). Burial plans will be sent to you with a following letter. Sincerely, Capt. Privu A. USMC”
Yes, it made me think about my decision about the marines, but while reading the part that said “killed in the line of duty WHILE SERVING HIS COUNTRY WITH HONOR…” my heart skipped a beat and told me that serving my country with honor is what I want to do.
I have thought about the Peace Corps. I even looked more into it than just thinking about it. I do want to do the Peace Corps. But, I would much rather be in the Marines. Please don’t assume that I don’t want that kind of lifestyle. I’m not only appealed to the Marines because they are looked highly upon, but because I WANT it. I have always wanted a lifestyle like that.
That smiley was actually supposed to be a 8 )
I’m glad you can talk to your dad, Michelle. So have you decided for sure that you will do the Marines?
“haha Twisted Sister was an 80’s hair metal band. “We’re not going to take it.. NO We ain’t gonna take it.. no we’re not going to take it.. anymore.” Good for rocking out with while cleaning.”
Oh, I think I’ve heard that! Isn’t it used in a bith control ad? Heh.
Laura, thank you for that. I’m going to print it out so I can read it whenever I need a reminder. I was going to call Nats later tonight until I read your post. Now I am thinking it may be better to wait a while before I call her. I don’t know if the nurses answer her phone for her, so I will probably wait to see what you find out. I am so worried about her. I hope she will be okay.
Still haven’t heard anything about Nats. Have been trying to get ahold of the nurse to see how she is, but no luck. When I do hear something I will let you all know. Laura
Michelle,
Some of the finest people I have EVER known were Marines. They truly were “The Few, The Proud, The Marines”.
heyya guys- hope ur all doing ok.
Michelle- wow what a post– that is really inspriing what u wrote, im so pleased for u hun, u have done so well, im so glad that u now belive in urself and u know that u have courage, becuase u so do hun, ur amazing. glad that u now have ur dad for support. its great that u have recovered from ur ED, well done, ur a role model for us all, it shows that will the effort and courage and will-power, that we all can recover from our ED’s. stay strong hun- hope ur having a good day, xxx lisa x
Laura- thanks for the update about nats- im so worried for her, i really hope she is ok. She is strong- she can recover im sure of it, wen u next talk 2 nats, send my love 2 her and tell her that we all miss her on here. How are u doing Laura? XxX lisa x
im so so scared about 2morow -going back to collegem, i have still not made up my mind about what to do…. im so confused about this..-. My brain is telling me not to go….. i feel as tho anorexia is taking a stronger hold of all of my desions. Like this morning i was so going to eat something with my auntie- i did- but after i made myself sick…. my brain told me that i dont deserve food- so i listened to it-once again, im so messed up- im a freak, im so stupid and worthless, i dont derserve to live in this world. whats that point anymore…..?
hope ur all doing ok 2day
Lisa xxx
Lisa- hun you are not a freak or stupid or worthless!!! you deserve to be here and to live and to get better and to be happy. you do. everyone messes up, it is just how we are, we’re human. you just gotta get up and try again. you are strong and you can do it. good luck at college. i will be praying for you. i think this will be a good step to take. ED will not like you getting out there and living, and he will fight. but you gotta fight harder, but you can do it! i have faith in you hun. hope you have a good day. =]
<3 Sarah
hi all! i just found this site. im glad to see many of you here.
maybe4me, i love the “law of the garbage truck”.
shelly, im so glad you are here! i am so proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone and applying (and interviewing) for the nursing job. i can see you as a great, compassionate nurse. good luck xxxkim – my email is kimgsw@yahoo.com
mrs. b, im glad to see you here! when i logged into mamav yesterday and the forum was gone i just turned off the computer and went to bed. it’s weird i feel so connected to the site and all of the people here. it kind of is a check in place for me and right now i need that.
laura, a_mother, are you here? i hope you are, i have missed you.
nats, i hope you are okay.you are in my constant thoughts and prayers. everyone is actually.
well my first week at work was, what is the word, enlightening. i worked monday through saturday 8am – 6pm, well 6:30 on saturday. i feel drained but am thankful to have sunday off (Iowa law you cant sell cars on sundays). i am learning this is not a nurturing place to work and everyone watches out only for themselves. the new and used car managers have no problem breaking down their employees and pointing out everything they do wrong and ignoring what is done right (this is expected). i am above the curve, completing correctly paperwork and selling two cars in the first week when the norm is the “newbies” arent knowledgeable enough or confident enough to even try. i guess i am a fast learner yet i dont like how demeaning they are and how they try to break everyone’s spirit and some of the salespeople would be willing to eat their young. one guy took a half day off to attend his daughters school concert and the managers asked him if he planned to be more dedicated to his work or if he didnt want to be in this profession. nate told me it was the first time he had every asked for any time off in the 18 months he has been there. you are given one day off a week and expected to be present at least 58 hours a week and if you have a car delivery on your day off you need to be there. im not sure how long i will be staying here. i can do the work but i dont see much of a life outside of work and work isnt a pleasant place to be. i havent lossed my smile yet though. i was offered another therapy job on friday and i may take that though i hate quitting. decisions, ugh.
sorry to ramble, i missed you all and am so glad you are here. love ya, kim
All my prayers are with nats but she is a fighter and she will make it.
MissA i think it is great what your doing for your kids putting up with something you hate so you can be a mom
Michelle i am glad you have the support of your father and you have overcome your ed.
hope everyone is taking care of themselves?
x x x x
is anyone around?
lisa xx
Hello Everyone,
I heard from Nats nurse that she is stable and awake but she is having a hard time talking so she won’t talk to anyone. Am just going off what I was told. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers. She will need them in the days to come. Everyone keep your heads up and stay strong…..heard from Brooke about Emily she is in intensive care and not doing well so pray for her too. I hate to be the one with all the bad news but want them prayed for. Love You all and hope you are doing good! Love, Laura
Laura, that is wonderful about Nats!! I was so worried. I am still praying though. and for emily too. <3
Everyone, I have great news! I have just been told that my father is not allowed to come to my house for the next 6 months !!!!!!!!!!!! YEAHHHH!! and he has one of those ankle bracelets on so he can’t even sneak over here. i am thrilled!!!
okay. im done.
hope everyone is okay. love you all. =]
<3 Sarah
Kim,
Selling of any kind is hard. It is hard to face both the pressure from management and at times, hard to take the turndown from the customer. I am sure you will do well, because you have always been an achiever, but it takes a hard shell. You’ll have to decide if that is the direction you want to take. You are a remarkable woman. You’ll know the right choice.
Laura,
I’ve been hearing from a friend of Nats, too. She sounds very down. We all need to continue to pray.
Sarah,
Thank you for the constant encouragement you offer. You are always so positive. Please take care of yourself. You deserve all the best.
Lisa,
This is a tough fight. But people win it and they move forward. Michelle is breaking free. Shelly has broken free. You can break free, too. And you DO deserve it.
Love all,
Hope you have a beautiful Sunday,
Love,
Mrs. B.
Sarah.
THAT’S SWEET!
I’m excited for you. =]
Hi guys,
I am having to get the nurse to type for me as at the moment I dont have enough energy to do so.
Just to let you know that I am ok, I am weaka and feeling rough but I am still here! You cant get rid of me that easily.
Thank you all for the posts you have made and all the prayers and thoughts that have been sent my way.
I miss you guys so much and if it were not for you all, I wouldnt have even been in hopital, I would have carried on as if nothing has happened.
I have realised now that I do not want to die, I thought and believed I trully wanted to die but now I dont feel that way.
Not sure why as yet but I will figure that out in time I guess.
But I never thought ever that I would have a heart attack at 22 yrs of age!! MY ED has fucked my life up enough and I will not let it continue, one way of another its going to stop. I am too young and god damn beautiful (nurses suggestion not mine) to be doing this! And I WILL change it.
Its just going to take a while is all, maybe a long time I dont know but at the moment I cant do anything but sleep because I feel like shit!!
Love you all
Nats
xxxxxxxx
Nats, it is so good to hear from you. Please take this time to rest and get the help that you need to get better. We all love you.
a_mother, laura = maybe4me. aha, now i got it!! lol
i really dont know what to do with the job thing. the woman from the therapy job emailed me today again informing me that they are still wanting me for the position and would like me to start as soon as i am able. hmmmm, something i love doing or something okay that makes more money but gives me less time with family and friends???? anyone have a magic ball?
shelly, what happen with your article for the paper? any news on it yet? i hope you hear about the job soon. what does your husband think? the ideal thing maybe if you had the opportunity to begin at part time and move to full time. either way i hope it turns out the way you want. i think nursing is a good fit for you, you are intelligent and empathetic. good luck xxxkim
mrs b, i am glad to see you here. i have missed getting to chat with you. i hope you and your daughter are both doing well. xxxkim
michelle, maybe you should talk to a marine recruiter to see what information and specifics they have and it may help you make a more informed decision.
nats, do you have family and/or friends around you? once you are well enough to leave the hospital will you be able to stay with someone or them with you? just an idea but it may be a good idea since yesterday you were going to go home and then not long after had a heart attack. you may need someone to stay with to help monitor you in the event you need help.
sarah, miss a and lisa, hi. how are you each doing?
Nats,
With all my heart and soul, I am praying for you to fight this fight. I know that there have been lots of hurts in your life, but you also have many many gifts. And you have all of us here, and all of our prayers.
We love you girl.
Hang on. You are beautiful.
Mrs. B.
Soooooo, I told my mother. everything. at 2 in the morning, i went and woke her up. i said i needed to talk to her. and for 15 minutes straight i just told her everything. including all of my tricks and lies. so that she will catch me. it is so bittersweet though. i do not want to get rid of ED. i feel like i need him. but deep down i know i don’t. self-recovery got me really far. like- i know that Sarah and ED are 2 completely separate people. He is always here, screaming in my ear, and controlling me. But he is NOT me. But, to get all the way I think I needed to tell my mom. I do need help. I am so nervous though, now i cannot starve for days without her noticing. what if she expects me to just eat ‘normally’ now. just expects it. i cannot heal overnight!! i am so scared for the days, weeks, month, maybe year to come. ED is gonna kick my butt. cuz i am sure he is so mad at me for telling mom. i gotta be tough. so, yeah.
<3 Sarah
Sarah,
That was such a great first start. Now be prepared for your mom to not really get it and to be so dumb sometimes you will find her excruciatingly annoying. I am telling you this in all seriousness. It is important for your mom to know and it is important for you to be honest with her. I also think that the “therapy” part of your treatment needs to come from a professional. And mom needs to be mom. That will be a hard place for you and your mom to get to. It continues to be a process for us.
For my daughter and me…..since she has been out of treatment, she tried to come back and live at home. But her dad is a successful professional. I am a successful professional. Mind you, we are both over 50 and we did not pop out at 19 as successful professionals….and neither will she. But her path took a big twist. And she feels like she failed us. And she feels like we are always watching and evaluating what she is doing. And all of that felt like a lot of pressure. So she is living with some friends who just love her. That seems to really be working for her. These are friends who are keeping her honest, but they don’t judge. She comes home to visit, go for walks, play with her dogs, etc.
This path to recovery is a twisty one. You and your family will need to figure out what works for you. But you and your mom will need to try to find a way to keep your relationship through all of EDs tricks. For us, that meant for me to stay away from “helping” her other than listening when she wanted to talk. Listening without commentary….which is hard for me.
If your mom ever wants to talk to another mom, Sarah, give her my email address: debrockman@aol.com
Love, Hugs, Prayers and Hope
Mrs. B.
http://bp2.blogger.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/SBTjl2hZJcI/AAAAAAAAEuY/0uWa_8vbxZU/s1600-h/hand.jpg
This may not be incurable,
but this might help some.
MamaV.
If you stop by, someone would very much like to speak with you.
Please get in touch with her at:
loudnatalie@yahoo.co.uk
Thank you.
Sarah, I’m so proud of you for telling you mum everything. It had to of been hard, I know it was hard for me to tell Dad mostly everything. He still doesn’t know how depressed I am, but I don’t really necessarily know how to bring that one up. He might think he had failed as a parent. I know he felt like that when I told him about my bulimia. He couldn’t stop saying sorry for not giving me the loving family and support that I needed and that he had walked out on me one too many times. I told him it wasn’t his fault because I was the one that failed myself. He really didn’t understand it, but that’s ok. I told Dad while I was home for Christmas break. Mind you, that’s a month long.. and the entire time after I told him I remember freaking out about him watching me or anything. I don’t know if your mum will be the same way, but Dad was really cool about it, since I wasn’t a real big restrictor while at home, he just watched me after we ate. He asked me where I was going a lot when I wanted to go throw it all up.. and that made me stop and say, “I’m going to the bathroom.” Then I would feel bad to throw everything up because I was so sick of lying to him. I know you’ll get through this, Sarah. You’re a strong willed girl. If you feel like your mum is going to be watching you closely, let her know that you feel more pressure if she does so. Obviously you need a little bit of watching over, but more so taking care of than watching. You know what I mean?
I don’t think my last post actually got put up.. so if this goes up twice, sorry.
http://bp2.blogger.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/SBTjl2hZJcI/AAAAAAAAEuY/0uWa_8vbxZU/s1600-h/hand.jpg
Check this post secret out.
Take it as you want. =]
-Michelle
Hiya all-
Nats- so glad that ur ok now, was so worried, but know u are a fighter, get well soon- hope 2 hear more from u soon hun.love ya xx
Kim-im ok thanks well i am now, had a terrible day at college- was my first day back in like 8 months, was so scary. How r u 2day? hows ur day been?
love ya xx
Mrs B-Miss A-Sarah-Laura- how are u all?
Well my day has been horrible to say the least- decided to make the desion and go back to college today- when i got in the room after waiting outside for 30mins thinking about it- everyone just stared at me wen i walked in, the tutor said hi and asked how i was- none of the students talked to me for the first half an hour, they all just kept on looking at me, like im a freak show. when they did finnally say something to me- it was all question- like how come ur anorexic, and are u dying that sort of thing- i feel such a freak- i don’t derseve to be in this world anymore, maybe god dident want me to live this long, so this is the way of killing me off. Well guess what- i want to die. Im not going back to college 2morow- i can’t face anyone anymore. i just want to curl up and die. Am i being selfish by saying this? I hate how i hurt people, i don’t want to hurt anyone, i want to love them, they think i don’t love them- but i do, i really do, i hate being me, all i do is hurt people, im such a horrible person, why should someone like me derserve to live?
So sorry for being so negative today- i just can’t be positive anymore, when there is nothing positive in my life.
Hope ur all ok,
Take care, u can fight this, ur all stronger than me.
love u all
Lisa xx
Sarah hun- well done for telling ur mum everything- must of taken a lot of courage to tell her, am so proud of u. love u x x x
Lisa x
Hi everyone. I’ve been sick again lately. Yesterday I was having severe abdominal pain for most of the day. I tried eating some toast and thet just made it feel worse. I’ve felt better today, but I’ve been sticking to eating pretty bland stuff. I’m afraid years of abusing laxatives has finally caught up with me. I was going to tell the doctor about it when I go on the 8th, but the more I think about it, this less I am sure that I will be able to admit it. It’s embarassing and disgusting. How do I just come out and say that?
Sarah, I’m proud of you for being honest with your mom. I think it would be a good idea if she talked with Mrs. B.
Kim, have you decided about your job situation? It must be a difficult decision to make, but I’m sure you will make the right decision for you.
Lisa, I’m sorry you had such a rough time at college. Is there anyone you can reach out to for help? You do deserve to live. We all deserve to live ED free. It’s a hard fight, but please don’t give up.
Laura, I had to work today. Everyone was already in a bad mood when I got there because they didn’t want our new team leader. Someone said something to me about everyone being in a bad mood, and I replied, “I’m not. What good is it to be pissed off all day about something you can not change. Are you going to spend the next few years pissed off because you don’t like our team leader?” I think that made him stop and think. I went in with the mindset that I was not going to be in a bad mood, and you know what? I wasn’t.
Hey guys. Thanks. I’m not sure how my mom is really taking it yet. other than the breakfast incident yesterday, i only had 120 calories. so, 270 total for the day. But see, i told her at a weird time because now i am unable to eat! I went to the orthodontist and have this metal contraption in my mouth and i can’t swallow. well, i can swallow liquids now. so, i kind of have an excuse not to eat. i dont really know. my mom hasn’t said anything other than at breakfast yesterday. Well, it is nearly 5 in the morning, i think i may go watch tv. or possibly go back to bed.
mrsB, perhaps after a while if my mom says anything, then i will give her your email. i am just worried that you will tell her what i say on here. lol. because i did tell her about the forum but not the web address because i do not want her reading this!
Love you,
Sarah
Hey Guys,
Im here! Just thought I would pop in and say hi to everyone and see how you were all getting on!
Sarahmic, babe I am so proud of you! I love you and I will always be here for you if you ever wanna chat or send me crazy terms that you guys use!!
Im so proud of you babe, I love you!
Nats
xxxx
Everyone else, I hope your all coping ok and I have you all in my thoughts.
Nat
xxx
Nats,
Good to see you!
Sarahmic,
You have my email address. If you want to talk to me or have your mother talk to me…I’m here. I would make you a promise to not talk to your mom about this forum or about you. You can just tell her that I’m a mom who is battling this with my own daughter who has learned alot along the way.
MissA,
I do hope that you start getting some relief soon. It is so demoralizing to feel bad all the time. I’m a migraine sufferer. To that extent, I can relate.
Love you guys.
Mrs. B.
I went to sleep early last night and woke up early this morning.
Weird things happened last night though.
I went to bed at 10:30, got to sleep probably by 10:45.
I woke up every hour at 5 past.
11:05, 12:05, 1:05, 2:05, 3:05, 4:05, 5:05, 6:05, 7:05.
My alarm went off at 7:07.
I mean, I fell back asleep after every time I woke up, but this is the second night in a row that this has happened. Weird.. and slightly annoying. It’s like something doesn’t want me to sleep or something.
I felt so good about myself waking up early and going to sleep early. I have done it the past three nights and have never felt better.
The first night, I’ll admit, I went to sleep early because if I didn’t, I’d want to just sit there and eat random foods. I do that a lot. I just sit at my desk and eat. I’m trying to get into shape, so I have been eating healthier and I’m going to start exercising more often. So, I can’t allow myself to eat at night anymore.
I’m going to make it a habit to go to sleep early. I’ve found that I’m more willing to get things done in the day.
Tues. and Thurs. nights will be a bit tougher because I have classes that run until 9:30, so I don’t get back to my dorm until 9:45 or so. Since I have no time during the day, I usually do things later in the evening on those days. But, I think I’ll figure something out. Man, I can’t wait for next quarter with fresh classes and the ability to begin anew with study habits and sleep habits and what have you.
Nats, it is good to hear from you! I’m glad your toughing things out. I love you a TON! =]
-Michelle
Mrs. B, my stomach is feeling somewhat better today. I woke up about 6:oo this morning with it hurting really bad, but it went away after a few minutes. Most of the day I have felt nauseous. I ate lunch and about a half hour later my stomach started hurting again, but it feels better now.
I found out this morning that my worker’s comp claim for my shoulder has been denied. It has to go to a hearing next. I’m not sure what will happen. I don’t know if I should get a lawyer. I might call a lawyer to see what they say. I’m not looking for them to pay me so I can quit working. I just want to be able to see a doctor and get some relief from the pain. I worry that if it won’t be covered under worker’s comp, my insurance will not pay for it because they will say it is a work-related injury. It’s been a very depressing day. When I think about it I want to cry.
Oh, MissA. I am so disappointed about your W/C claim. W/C is really geared toward the employer. I have always represented the employer side and even I would say that. You know I think I would at least do an exploratory session with a lawyer. It can’t hurt to look into it.
Michelle,
You do so many “right” things…The kinds of things I always tell my kids will help them live more productively. Definitely going to bed early and getting up early are VERY productive. Most of the world works on that schedule. That’s when the most effecteive work is done.
Sarah i’m so glad you took that step in telling your mam =) Although it will be difficult at the start she will help your recovery in the long run. Got your email btw
Michelle i guess its not waffle then when parents make there kids go to bed early lol
I have had a pretty rough day. Went to visit my friends grave and it helped i felt at ease. Although i still have not managed to visit my cousins grave yet i am glad i went to see my friend although it was sad it was also peaceful all in all a mixture of emotions so i’m pretty drained now
hope everyone is well
x x x
Mrs. B, I haven’t received any paper work yet, so I think I will wait to contact a lawyer until I do. The doctor’s office called me this morning to tell me it had been denied. I had a head injury a couple years ago at work. It happened on a Friday, and they waited until Monday to send me to the hospital. I contacted some lawyers when that happened, but no one would touch it. I work for an extremely large company, and few lawyers are willing to go up against them. I have a lawyer working on something else for me, so I will contact him as soon as I get the denial forms. He is from a big law firm, so hopefully he will not be afraid of my employer. Hopefully I will be able to get my insurance to pay for treatment if I can’t get W/C to approve it. All I won’t is a chance to get better.
i have decided to stick with selling cars. i had another woman call me today to offer me a different sales position from when i sent my resume. i told her i had already accepted another position but she would like to talk with me and see if she can top what i am currently making. while that feels good, i dont think i am looking to change after just getting underway. my eating has been slipping a bit since i began my new job last monday. i dropped 5 pounds, only 3 in the last week though. i think i need to watch that a bit more then i have been. it is easy for me to slip back when i am busy. anyway, i hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves. missa, i am sorry about the work comp thing, i think if people need medical care they should receive it. i hope things turn around. sarah kudos to you for talking with your mom. big step, you may need to bring it up more then once as sometimes they want to push it away as much as we do. mrs. b would be a great asset and maybe you will feel comfortable having your mom email with her, i think it may be helpful and you can trust mrs. b with your anonymity on what you have shared here. i think she and your mom could talk about eds and the effects to all involved without specifics on your situation.
shelly, how are you doing? you have been quiet. i hope you are alright. xxxkim
laura, what is new with you? are you enjoying a lighter schedule or did you fill it with other things already?? hopefully fun things.
michelle, keep hanging in there. have faith.
nats, how are you doing? what is your discharge plan for when you are allowed to leave the hospital?
i hope you are all doing good, i love you and miss getting to chat more. take care. xxxkim
Do any of you keep journals?
I like reading backwards in mine..
That way, I can read about what I did when I felt better for a day.. I re-read the ‘good’ posts, though I tend to not write about my good days, more so my bad ones.
Or I can read about what I did or thought about to make myself slip even further.
It helps to train your brain to get away from those thoughts that you have. Suddenly, you have control of your brain and you have an idea of what to do to get out of the hole you might be in.
It is said that the occurrences in your life actually happen constantly, it is just up to you to remember what you did last time to get out of the situation. It’s all about wiring your brain to think the way YOU want it to.
Kind of like growing up..
you burn yourself on a pan, or your parent told you not to touch because you might burn yourself. Your brain wired itself to know “Hey, don’t touch that pan, it’s probably hot.” Little things like that to even knowing when not to go walking at night, where not to go in your neighborhood, how to handle a situation when someone confronts you.
Your brain is an amazing part of your body.
Sorry this is in two parts.. I kind of pressed submit before I was done.. lol
You know.. it’s kind of like growing up..
you burn yourself on a pan, or your parent told you not to touch because you might burn yourself. Your brain wired itself to know “Hey, don’t touch that pan, it’s probably hot.” Little things like that to even knowing when not to go walking at night, where not to go in your neighborhood, how to handle a situation when someone confronts you.
Your brain is an amazing part of your body.
Sorry this is in two parts.. I kind of pressed submit before I was done.. lol
Sorry Michelle for some reason your last two posts were classed as “spam” so I had to authorise them, they have now been done so they should show up ok. Im sorry about that!
Hoping you are well
TS
Hey all me again!!
Today is a big day! I am getting my tube taken out! woooo hoooo its been doing my head in and now I get to have it taken out. BUT that means that I have to eat!! Im a bit worried what will happen but I know that I do not want the tube coming anywhere near me again!
Bit scared…..
Nats
xxx
I bet they were spam because I pressed submit twice.. it told me that I had duplicate entries. *shrug*
Nats, that’s exciting! But, yea you have to watch yourself now..
just keep in mind that the tube could happen again, then you’ll make yourself want to eat.
I’m sure I’d rather force myself to do something than have someone else force me to do it.
=]
Nats,
This is scary, certainly.
Just remember, though. You are making a decision that food is less scary than a tube! It certainly would be for me!
Good luck Sass!!
Mrs. B
Nats thats such a good step in terms of recovery now that they are taking the tube out. Just remeber everytime you think about how scary food is remember how much you hate the tube =)
x x x x
Hey guys. quick post. am feeling not so good. =/
Nats, that is great about tube. am happy for you. good luck eating. i know it will be hard but i also know that you can do it! btw, just replied to yahoo message.
michelle, i love going to bed early and getting up early. it makes my day so much better. dunno why that is lol. doesn’t happen very often for me though. that is so weird that you were waking up the same time every hour. no, i do not keep a journal. i bought one not too long ago, but never got around to writing in it. but i am not going to, as my mother flat out told me she would read it if she thought there was something wrong. and now that she knows there is something wrong…nopeee.
kim and missa, i hope you guys are doing alright at work. how are you both doing?
aisling, babe just talked to you a min ago lol. i hope you are doing better babe. and that you find your camera lead =P stay strong love. will reply to email in a bit.
mrs.b. , thank you. you seem like such an amazing woman and a great mom! it is a strange time now, as i can’t eat. but, i dont really know what my mom is thinking. this morning she told me to eat breakfast and i said no. and she let it go. so, hmmmm. i will give her your email. mkay? i dont really know if she will, as i think she wants to ignore this. so, sorry! but would it be okay if i emailed you later??
love you.
am thinking about you all. hope you are all alright.
<3 Sarah
(sorry about always writing a novel on here!) =P
so I had to try and eat today. It was like trying to ride a bike for the first time. You know that feeling you get that its so scary but you know you want to do it, and u keep falling but u also just keep getting back up because u know the alternative is worse. And it would affect ur whole life.
Michelle u have made me see what I need to do. Over the past few weeks you have been talking about yourself. U have thought about what YOU want and you are not letting anything we are going through affect you. You know what?? That is the best thing ever. I have been focusing on everything that is going on with everyone else so l could ignore what’s going on with me.
I cant do that anymore. I am killing myself because I can’t deal!! I need to deal, I need to focus on myself and try my best, that’s all I can do right. Then no matter what happens if I live or die, I will know and so will all of you that I did my best, I tried and wanted a normal life.
At the end of the day, im human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does
Nats
Nats,
And you are loved. You truly are. I told you some day I would get to Europe and I will and you will tour me around. I just know it. But you must fight for you.
You know what you said about Michelle doing what was right for her? You are totally right. Do what is right for you, Nats. My daughter and I are establishing totally new boundaries. I am learning that she is her own unique mixture of genetics created by my husband and me. She is not him. She is not me. I should not have expectations of who she will be.
She is in the process of shedding the things that get in her way. For example, she told me today that she wants to get a phone without internet because the internet causes her distress….things like checking Facebook and discovering that some “friend” said something stupid. She is learning a technique my husband developed years ago….if someone isn’t a good friend to you…move on. Be kind to everyone, but really Care for the people who care for you back. Life’s too short. Be you. Discover YOUR purpose. I’m going to get off line in a few minutes to work on my next chapter in “A Purpose Driven Life. Even at my age, I’m still in the process of finding my own purpose. It’s a journey. I just have to continuously remind myself, “God’s Will….not My Will.”
Sarahmic,
I would love to hear from you privately, you have my email, right? It would be great to know what you feel is getting in the way of your relationship with your mom. One of the things that we moms REALLY struggle with is our anxiety about our chicks. It is hard to just enjoy you and be with you and not worry. And that reinforces the cycle of difficulty with the relationship. Worry is a worthless emotion, although it is a natural one. For me, I find that if I refocus my worry to positive affirmation and reflection, I am more able to control my emotions and be more relaxed with my daughter. I make a conscious effort to listen more, talk less and just have as much normalcy as I can in the house. It helps with all of our anxiety levels, and that helps my daughter cycle less with bingeing and purging.
BTW, all, after having a tough few days, my daughter has had a couple of really good days. Tomorrow we are meeting with her psychiatrist and discussing meds and therapy for the treatment of her generalized anxiety. Those of you who pray….I would genuinely appreciate your prayers toward recovery from her anxiety.
Love you all.
Sorry about the book!
Mrs. B.
Today pretty much sucked from start to finish. I had trouble sleeping last night. When I woke up, I had a massive headache. I had to take my youngest son to kindergarten screening. I had know idea they would expect him to know so much stuff. He knows all the stuff my oldest son knew when he started school, but now they expect them to know letter sounds and how to sound out works. What the hell do they teach them in kindergarten? Multipication and division? How about algebra and Japanese?
Grrr!
After that little fiasco, I had an eye exam. The doctor dialated my eyes which made my headache worse.
This afternoon my oldest son had a baseball scrimmage. He played great, but during the game he got hit in the stomach with the ball. He still has a big welt from it. After the game I took my youngest to the restroom. While we were gone, three boys decided to push my oldest down, throw sand in his face, and throw a rock at him. He did not tell me until we were in the car leaving and he started crying. I think what bothers me the most is that several parents were standing around the area and no one said anything. Someone had to see something. I’m not sure what to do. It hard to be a parent and know when to step in and when to back off. I don’t want to make things worse for him. I called his coach to tell him what happened and asked him to talk with the kids at the next practice about how to treat their teammates. Other than that I don’t know what to do. It wasn’t on school property so I don’t think the school would intervene. I guess I’ll just wait and see what happens.
Sorry this post is so long, it has just been a really sucky day.
Nats, I am so proud of you.. you are just a human. As humans, we make mistakes. But, we just get right back up and as the Beatles put it.. “Get back to where you once belong” maybe that was taken out of context of their song (my roomie is listening to them right now.) but it’s true! We just have to get right back on track. I love you a lot dear. I’m thinking of doing study abroad in England sometime.. maybe we can make plans? This might not happen for a long time, but who knows! haha We could have a camp out and make cookies.. lol
MissA, I’m so sorry that happened to your son! Boys can really be bullies sometimes. Talk about kindergarten screening.. I heard in elementary school now they are teaching the ‘new math’ which is basically telling kids… “2+2 doesn’t really equal 4.. but kind of.” How does that add up? What are they going to say next?
2+2= chair”?? Our school systems are really trying to make the kids compete with the school systems of the Japanese culture I believe.. or maybe they are trying to steal children of their innocence and childhood so they can have some kind of a super power in the US when their generation comes around. Who knows.
Today was a good day for me. I took my career aptitude test and I avoided answering ‘indifferent’ for all of the questions. Basically it just asked how I felt about being a part of certain careers and doing certain things, then it assessed my skills and my interests outside of work. Then, I went to class and work.. and then the best part of my day =]
I went to the etiquette dinner and it was simply wonderful. The food was amazing, I found out that I knew a LOT more about etiquette than I thought, actually the only few things I didn’t know was the whole wear your name tag on the right and sit down on your seat from the right. Everything is on the right, which is hard for a left-hander to get used to! After the dinner, I met this spectacular lady who is a senior right now in actuarial science. She is actually moving to Maine this upcoming September! That really put my dream of moving to Maine into perspective and as a possibility. She also really helped me kink out some of my doubts about being able to be involved and be in this degree program. Though I believe I need to slow it down a bit, I am still going to try out for the band. If I don’t make it, I will only work next quarter and nothing else I don’t think. I just can not handle this much. I don’t know though we’ll see.
Anyway, after I was done talking with her, I talked with the dean of my college which was such an amazing feat. She is such an amazing lady. She gave me some pointers to keep up a life outside of school work, yet getting the grades I want.
Finally, as if the night wasn’t already amazing, I spoke with an Actuarial Officer from Nationwide Financial! He actually graduated from OSU with an actuary degree and had the same doubts I had and actually wanted to be a high school math teacher like I have on my back burner, as well. Anyway, long story short, he really gave me an insight of what an actuary does and how someone as personable as I am will be able to really fit into an office setting. He gave me his card and told me to look for him when he comes to campus next year to recruit students for internships.
Even with my career aptitude test results coming to me this Monday, I believe I am going to tough it out. I really just need to get focused and realize that I really need to start working a LOT harder and become interested in the classes I need to become interested in in order to pass them.
Tomorrow is going to be a busy day with classes and work and whatnot, but Friday is coming up quick. I am taking a retreat with my church for the night until Saturday night. It will be good to just get off campus and really just hang out with others and really get close to God again. I need him now more than ever and I feel myself slipping away.
-Michelle
Hey all, just wanted to say a quick Hi. I had a long day and am just exhausted and need to do some things before heading to bed. I have been thinking and praying for all of you and have missed not getting to chat with you all more.
missa, i hope tomorrow offers you sunshine and a much brighter day. my heart goes out to your little guy. somedays it is hard to have patience and compassion but we need to learn and grow. i will be thinking about you and saying extra prayers for you.
mrs b, i sent you an email, thanks for allowing me to, it has helped more then you know. you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.
nats, do you have a discharge plan for when you are eventually released from the hospital. i think you need to stay with others so you are safe.
michelle, keep reaching for god’s hand, dont slip away. the sooner you get back on track the better.
sarah, i hope you are feeling better. i love ya.
shelly, where are you? are you okay? i am worried about you. please take care of you. i would love it if you would email me, my email is: kimgsw@yahoo.com
a_mother, i miss you too. how are you? what is happening in your life? fill me in.
Take care of yourselves my friends! Know that i love you all and am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for sharing yourselves with me! Love ya, Kim xxxx
shelly, i just emailed you!! I am thinking of you and praying for you and wishing you a brighter day!! love ya, kim xxx
MissA i am so sorry that happened to your little boy. Has it happened before like is he being bullied or is it a once off, cause if its happened before and on school property the school has to get involved dont they? take care and i hope he is alright
Today has been a not so good day my brother found out about my “weird” eating habits he doesnt know how bad it is he just thinks i have been eating a little nd then purging some meals. So its been really awful i have had dinner for the first time in like 4 days and am sitting here trying to distract myself from purging because i dont want to raise suspicions more then i have i convinced him i am ok which i hate cause i’ve had to lie to someone i protect =(
x x x x
ah, aisling hun i am sorry you are having a rough day. i am on messenger and will be for quite some time. or email me if you like. hun take care of yourself. i love you
michelle i am glad you had a good time yesterday. and talking on messenger was fun hehe.
nats- i am so proud of you!! good job on your eating yesterday. that is so good that you got it down. babe, i love you so much and i am happy to see that you are trying to take care of yourself and do the best you can to get better.
missa im sorry about your son. i read it and went awwwwww. i hope that was a one time thing cuz that is so sad. when i started kindergarten, we did not really have to know anything haha. we got a survey to do with our parents that said do you think there are monsters in the bathroom? and questions like that. i am not even kidding haha. well, i hope you are okay.
mrs b how did meeting with psychiatrist go? i hope it went alright. you and your daughter continue to be in my thoughts.
well. i guess one sentence will suffice. high school = hell!!!
can i drop out please?!?! there is only one month left, but i really really do not want to go back ever.
hope you all are okay. love you
<3 Sarah
Michelle,
You sound like you are developing so much inner strength. I’m really proud of you. I never knew that you were an actuarial science major. I’m so impressed! That’s tough stuff! And it’s fabulous money when you graduate. You go girl!
Nats,
I hope that you had a good day and that you continue to make progress without your tube. You are on my mind every day.
Sarah,
You do NOT want to drop out of school. My daughter almost did not graduate because she was so sick. The last two weeks of school we had to work really hard so that she could finish all her requirements, but she did. I don’t know how it would have affected her emotions if she had not been able to finish. She has always been such a strong student. Stick with it. You don’t want to have to go back and “catch back up”. You can do this. You can.
Aisling,
Try honesty, Ais. Please. Your family loves you without condition. They may worry, but they always love you. Lying leads to secretiveness and shame and puts ED right in charge where he wants to be. Try honesty. It has been really important for my daughter and me.
Kim,
Thanks so much for the email. I love to hear from you. You are so amazing. I am really proud of your successes. But as we discussed, be sure to take care of you. Success on a job and image for others is, in the end, less important than being true to yourself and good health. I think of you often.
Your words last night were so helpful for my visit with Jes today. We had a GREAT day. She seems so at peace right now. She was accepted by school, her apt. lease is in order, we have quite a few things together for her new place. We agreed that instead of buying her a dog, she is going to take one of my dogs with her when she moves. I think that will be good for her.
She has an interview tomorrow at a dog daycare. She is so excited. She had decided that she wanted to stay away from retail so that she didn’t have as much trouble saving. In her mind, that left books or dogs. She’s excited about the thought of caring for dogs as a job. It does sound fun, doesn’t it?
MissA.
Gosh what a CRAPPY day yesterday was. When my kids were hurting that was always the WORST for me. Way worse than when something happened to me. It is always so hard to know when to intervene. And it is always astonishing to see how other parents respond in these situations. I hurt for you for what you went through. Unfortunately, as we all know on this board, the word is just not always perfect, and it is certainly not always nice. I guess we have to get used to dealing with that. But it’s hard.
And I hope your headache is better. Ugh a headache and then dialated eyes. Aaaagh.
Love you all,
Mrs. B.
Thank you everyone who expressed concern about my son. He is doing okay today. He has had problems with two of the boys being mean to him in the past, but they had never gotten physical that I know of. If it happens at school, I will be in the principal’s office insuring that they take care of it.
I haven’t been around today because I’m not feeling well. I have been running a fever this afternoon. I haven’t been able to eat anything since this morning because the thought of food makes me nauseous. If I’m still running a fever tomorrow, I’m going to call my new doctor to see if she will see me tomorrow.
Take care everyone. I love you all.
So, I have been eating pretty well, going to bed rather early (at around 10:45 every night) and getting up rather early (around 7:30 every morning). The most I exercise is walking to classes, but that is because I DON’T have time to do else wise.
But, my question is..
the muscles in my legs really are starting to strain when I walk. I don’t know what that means I am lacking. Does any one know enough about nutrition to know about this? My foot muscles are really hurting, too. I could hardly walk to day, I took the bus around campus from class to class because my foot hurt so much.
I don’t know what’s going on!
I hope everyone has/had/is having a good day (depending on your time zone and when you read this) =]
-Michelle
Michelle something like that happened me when i was in hosp a while ago because i was exercising so much before i went in and then when i was there i could do no exercise so my muscles atarted to pain me and the doc’s just said it was because something to do with the muscle becoming weaker.
I dont know if its happening you but it sorta sounds the same
thank you Sarah but i didnt have a chance to go on yesterday cause i had to go for a run to distract me. I promise i will email you tonight if i’m at home
take care of yourself missA
and mrsB i hope the session went well with your daughter
x x x
Hi everyone! I finally made it over here!
How is everyone?
Mrs. B, Thats great news about your daughter! I work at a doggie daycare! Its really fun! Some of the dogs are psychotic but its still fun.
Michelle, Thats great news about your major! I’m really happy that you are doing lots better! I’m trying extremely hard to get my mind in a place where I can concentrate and get interested in my classes also. Its just really hard to do. I’ve had the same problems with my muscles also. I can’t remember if I told you or not but my intake session went ok. It was kinda weird. As I was telling her everything that I do or have done I just kept thinking to myself do I really do that to myself? Very weird. I never said it out loud before so I just kept thinking it was no big deal and just denying it.
Shelly, Hi!
Nats, I hope your ok now!! That is scarey!!!!!!!!! Take care of yourself!!!
Hi everyone! I finally made it over here!
How is everyone?
Mrs. B, Thats great news about your daughter! I work at a doggie daycare! Its really fun! Some of the dogs are psychotic but its still fun.
Michelle, Thats great news about your major! I’m really happy that you are doing lots better! I’m trying extremely hard to get my mind in a place where I can concentrate and get interested in my classes also. Its just really hard to do. I’ve had the same problems with my muscles also. I can’t remember if I told you or not but my intake session went ok. It was kinda weird. As I was telling her everything that I do or have done I just kept thinking to myself do I really do that to myself? Very weird. I never said it out loud before so I just kept thinking it was no big deal and just denying it.
Shelly, Hi!
Nats, I hope your ok now!! That is scarey!!!!!!!!! Take care of yourself!!!
Jamie
crap sorry for the double post!!
Michelle, I’m not an expert in nutrition, but I think low potassium can cause leg cramps. Try eating something with good levels of potassium, such as a banana.
Michelle,
I think MissA is right….try some calcium/magnesium and potassium.
Jamie,
Keep your fingers crossed that my daughter gets that job! She really wants it…either that or working with books!
MissA,
Hope you’re starting to feel better.
Has anyone heard from Nats? Nats?
Mrs. B.
Mrs. B, I’ve been running a slight fever today, but not as high as it was last night. Today I mainly feel tired and weak. My head was hurting earlier, but I took some medicine and it feels better now. I heard from Nats a couple days ago. I hope she is doing okay.
Nats,
If you see this, would you please email me?
You’re on my mind….and the minds of others. I’d like to know that you are OK.
Mrs. B.
Hi guys
i hope everyone is doing ok and eveeryone continues to hang in there. I am struggling a little. Not so much with ED stuff but a lot of depression and anxiety. I have actually been thinking a lot about Polly and I really miss her. She was always able to pull me out of a funk and i wasnt able to do the same for her.
Sometimes in recovery I just get tired. tired of fighting so hard to make it right. I get overwhelmed and sometimes I get hit with a fear so intense that I do not know what to do wih myself.
I am have been restleing with a decision about my medication. My doc wants me to take another medication fo rmy anxiety, but if I had a nickel for everytime I heard “this is great for anxiety” I would be a millionare. I lost a lot of my trust in doctors with my benzo fiasco and quite frankly I am craving benzos like crazy.
I hope evryone has a great weekend.
Nats-
hang in there…let us know how you ae doing. You scared me when I read you had a heart attack. Shit that is scary.
Kim-
thanks for the email…it really cheered me up.
shelly
Shelly,
My heart is right there with yours on the whole anxiety thing. I know that you have been treated for anxiety for a long time, so I suspect that you could write the book on it by now. My daughter is struggling in that area, too. My husband always has, and my monther-in-law can barely leave the house. I don’t know what to say….other than ask a lot of questions and research. And I’ll pray for you that you can find relief.
We all need to pray for Nats. I am reluctant to share this, but I have been told that she has checked herself out of the hospital.
Nats, sassygirl. Please let us know that you are OK.
Love, Mrs. B.
Nats-
I hope youlet us know how you are doing. I know what you are going through as I am sure a lot of us on here do. Nats,
YOU CAN NOT GIVE UP!!!
you just went through something very serious and seriously scary. Please take care of yourself.
At times I do not want to go through recovery either (like now) but i know I cant let myself down. Please be honest with yourself. I am afraid we are going to lose you very soon.
Can everyone keep Arrie in their thoughts as well. She could all use our support
shelly
Shelly, I’m sorry to hear you are struggling right now. My dad suffers from anxiety, so although I do not know what it is like to have anxiety, I know what it is like to have a family memeber dealing with it. There have been months when my dad has barely been able to get out of bed. Keep fighting and keep looking for answers. I hope you find the relief you need soon.
Nats, please email me and let me know if you are okay. Love ya babe!
Im ok
Everyone, please keep Nats in your thoughts and prayers.
Nats, we love you!
Nats, it was so good to hear from you today. you had me worried as hell. i hope you are doing better. love you babe!
cannot type much now, gtg.
I love you all and I’m praying for you. Stay strong everyone. ttys,
<3 sarah
Hi all,
Shelly I am happy to cheer you up anytime you need it! I will keep you in my constant thoughts and prayers!! Take care of you!!
Mrs. B, I am glad you and Jes had a good time together!! I envy your relationship with her. Just keep the communication open. I think Jes will do a great job and working with pets can be so therapeutic and fun!! Have a great weekend! I will keep you and Jes in my prayers. Love ya, Kim
I had a fight in my head between me, the devil and God tonight.
It was a legitimate voices in my head thing.
Does that make me crazy?
Hi Gang! Long time no see. I am up early, sipping coffee watching the sun rise and the birds chirp.
Posted to my blog about the web site I am building. It’s kind of a side project since I am a tech nut and this helps me keep in the know on web2.0 stuff (whole other world, I know)
I thought you may all be interested in this http://doyouigloo.wordpress.com/2008/05/04/what-its-not/
Hope all is well. Life is good. I’ve done a lot of thinking and talking with my husband. My job is so damn demanding. Still love it though…what’s wrong with me? Kids are great, and my neck has been better thanks to accupuncture and herbal teas, and from slowing myself down a bit.
Anyway, love you all, thinking of you.
mamaV
mamaV!!!!
Hello! How are you?
Glad your ok! All been missing you.
TS
I decided to join an online site that let’s you track everything you eat for the day. It let’s you set your own goals for the day. I thought that this would help me be more accountable for what I eat, and help me with controlling my b/p. Now I’m not so sure. I find myself kind of freaking out when I get close to my calorie goals for the day. I like the being able to keep track of everything easily, but I don’t like the fact that it makes me feel like restricting. I find myself eating small amounts all day because I am afraid I will get close to my calorie goal too soon, and then what will I do. I feel like it is helping me, yet hurting me. Maybe I’ll ask my doctor her opinion when I go.
Nats, just wanted to say I love you. I’m trying not to worry. Not doing much good, but I’m trying.
Lalala. it is spring and that makes me happy =] it is so sunny and beautiful outside today.
So today i went to church and there is this lady there. she is probably about 30. and she has shared her story at the old teen girls bible study ages ago, about how she had an ED when she was in high school. she is such a lovely woman. and today i asked her if sometime we could go to starbucks on a saturday morning or something and talk. and she said she would love to. so i am going to talk to her about how she handled it and how she talked to her parents and all that. I am kind of nervous, but also kind of happy.
missa, you are so strong and i know you will be fine, but i do think it would be a good idea if you discussed it with your doc. but i defo get what you mean about not wanting to have too many cals too early in the day and all that stuff. good luck hun =]
michelle- babe you are NOT crazy. i’m not sure what is going on. but you seem to have a lot of sense and knowledge. hun, i think you might need to talk to someone about that tho. ily!
kim, mrs. b., shelly, laura, aisling, how are you doing? love you all.
katie, lisa, alex, haven’t heard from you all in a while. how’s it going?
love you!
<3 sarah
It’s summer Sarah =P but yep the good weather always helps to cheer me up
nats thank you for the email it was good to hear from you. i lov you and hang in there babes.
Shelly my heart goes out to you
MrsB i know how bad it is to lie and i know i am handing my power over to my ed but i still do it i guess i dont want to shatter my little brothers heart he is so innocent i just denied it. But he seems to have settled in the fact i’m ok and i guess i prefer it that way even if it is a lie. If that makes sense
MissA when you begin to count your cals again you will end up restricting. You are so strong but sometimes its little things like that that push us in the wrong direction. I think you should defo see your doc
take care everyone
x x x x x
Hi all, I just wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing. I work 8am – 8pm tomorrow so I may not be on again til Tuesday. I hope you all have a great day on Monday and take care of yourselves. Remember, progress not perfection. Keep working on taking steps forward though. Love ya all, Kimxxx
Hiya all–
sorry i havent been on here much, have been in hospital.
what have i missed with u guys?
Nats–How are u babe? so worried wen i read about what happenened 2 u.. how are u doing now?
Kim- hope ur ok, and hope work goes ok for u, take care- talk 2 u wen ur nxt on.xxx
Sarah Mic– im doing ok 2day- lovely to hear about u meeting another woman who used 2 have a ED- im sure u talking to her will be reallly helpful- good luck with that- let us know how it went when u meet up where her. wish the sun was shining here! its so cloudy here, shuldent complain tho- at least its not raining like it was all last week!.take care of ur self- love ya xxx
Miss A- i think it would be a good idea if you talked to your doctor about this first, i mean it could be a good way of you keeping track of what you eat, but it also could have a downside to it- its just personal experience, i used one of those calorie counter things when i was younger and to be honest it made me more dertiminded to eat as few calorie’s as possible- so i stay of those calorie counter things- but thats just me, it could work well for you, but i advise u speak to your doctor about it first, good luck, hun, hope 2 talk 2 u soon, love u xx
Mama V- glad to see u hav written on the forum, we hav missed u, how are you? xx
Michelle– hun, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY AT ALL. I no what u mean by the fights in ur head, its like you have to sides to ur brain, the side which wants to fight and get better and the other side thats wants you to give up and carry on with ur ways (at the moment this is my strongest side to me). Am i making any sense?
Take Care , xxx
Mrs B and Laura- how are u both? havent see u 2 on here for a while, we miss u, xxx
Hope your all doing ok- love u all lots
Lisa xxx
Hey all, I hope we are having a wonderful day. If not, just look towards tomorrow as a look of hope for a new day. New day=new beginning=another chance to start over.
I went to receive my results from my career aptitude test. The results were not that surprising at all. Basically it said that I am a very conventional, yet social person. That means I enjoy processing data, yet I also enjoy instructing people. My interests lie (look at this.. weird.) in this order: Military activities, Office services, Religious activities, Teaching, and finally Music/drama. I thought this weird because well, I want to be in the Marines. The only jobs I have held were office positions. I am religious and enjoy partaking in religious activities. Teaching is my back burner job. Finally, I love music and being in plays or musicals. Weird, eh?
The occupations that most aligned with my interests based on others who have taken this test were really stupid.. they are nothing that I’d really want to do. So, I’m not going to waste much of your time.
I thought it very interesting that my skills kept coming up as conventional and social. The other choices being: artistic, enterprising, realistic, and investigative. They were always in that respectable order, too.
So, over all, this test basically put everything that I had in my head on paper and actually tangible. It is really interesting how much a test can tell you about yourself. I already knew a lot about me, but again, seeing it on paper really helps me see it.
Lisa, THANK YOU for telling me I’m not crazy. It was just really weird because that had never happened to those great proportions before.
Sarah, I think it’s a good idea to get plugged in with that lady you were talking about. She is a more tangible version of us on here. She may be more comforting. =]
Everyone else, I looooove youuu all =] <3
-Michelle
Hey all, I hope we are having a wonderful day. If not, just look towards tomorrow as a look of hope for a new day. New day=new beginning=another chance to start over.
I went to receive my results from my career aptitude test. The results were not that surprising at all. Basically it said that I am a very conventional, yet social person. That means I enjoy processing data, yet I also enjoy instructing people. My interests lie (look at this.. weird.) in this order: Military activities, Office services, Religious activities, Teaching, and finally Music/drama. I thought this weird because well, I want to be in the Marines. The only jobs I have held were office positions. I am religious and enjoy partaking in religious activities. Teaching is my back burner job. Finally, I love music and being in plays or musicals. Weird, eh?
The occupations that most aligned with my interests based on others who have taken this test were really stupid.. they are nothing that I’d really want to do. So, I’m not going to waste much of your time.
I thought it very interesting that my skills kept coming up as conventional and social. The other choices being: artistic, enterprising, realistic, and investigative. They were always in that respectable order, too.
So, over all, this test basically put everything that I had in my head on paper and actually tangible. It is really interesting how much a test can tell you about yourself. I already knew a lot about me, but again, seeing it on paper really helps me see it.
Lisa, THANK YOU for telling me I’m not crazy. It was just really weird because that had never happened to those great proportions before.
Sarah, I think it’s a good idea to get plugged in with that lady you were talking about. She is a more tangible version of us on here. She may be more comforting. =]
Everyone else, I looooove youuu all =] <3
-Michelle
oops.. sorry for the double post =\
hey- is anyone around? i really need to talk, im feeling really mixed up and confused at the moment.
Lisa x
im here lisa whats up? xx
hi, TS.
im feeling really suidsdal at the moment- i keep thinking back to about what has happened to me over the past years- i don’t feel i belong here anymore, it feels as tho i have no one who understand me, and i have no one to talk 2 about anything, i just want someone to talk to who won’t leave me or gove up on me.
I really want to open up 2 someone- but i don’t np how to make anyone listen 2 me.
I just want my life to end sometimes, whats the point in life if u don’t enjoy it?
i feel as tho im losing a battle in my head- my ED is winning me over, he wants me to die…….. i feel so alone at the moment…. i so derpartly want someone to love me and care about me- and someone to talk to..
xx
I love you and care about you Lisa, always will, you can email me if you want to talk or you can talk to me on here I dont mind, ill listen and I wont give up on you, ever.
We all hear those same voices as you are babe, its how we deal with them that matters.
TS
xx
can i tell you somethink? i have not ever told anyone…..
i feel i need to tell someone, its really hurting me inside…
xx
you can tell me what ever you want to tell me babe, im all ears.
TS
xxx
Lisa,
Do you have an email address? I have to go out now but I can access my emails through my phone so email me if you want and I will reply as soon as I possibly can.
Im not leaving you, just need to go out but I always reply, always.
TS
xxx
well about 3 years ago i was raped, and i can’t help but thinking about it- i have nightmares about it- i don’t no how to deal with it.. i feel like im so worthless and i blame myself, i feel like no one is ever going to want me… im so ashamed.
xx
Babe dont be ashamed, its happened to me too, and I dont want to deal with my issues either.
You need to make a decision babe, and only you can make it, the same as I am the only one who can make mine, do you want to confront it? or run from it? I know its hard and I am struggling to make the choice myself, I am not going to lie to you that at the moment I dont know if I could seek help for what is going with me, but babe if you dont or if I dont, we will never move from where we are, we will be stuck where we are right now, feeling the way we feel.
TS
yeah i no what you mean, i don’t want to be stuck like this for the rest of my life- but i don’t no how to get help….. who would ever want to help someone like me? im really not worth it. but babe u are so please try and get help, u are worth so much more… u are so much stronger than me, im weak.
i havent got the confidence to talk to anyone, i want my confidence back, i hate being shy and withdrawn all the time- but i dont no how to be like my old self, to be honest i dont really rember when i was my old self- it was that long ago.
xx
Babe, you are sittinmg there telling me to do exactly what you need to do! Who would want to help me?? have ou read my life story on here? im messed up beyond belief!
you have proven you have the confidence to talk but because you just spoke about it quite clearly just then!
We both just need the courage to do what we know we need to do babe.
TS
xx.
P.S I dont know who I am either anymore, hence the twisted part of my name
im sure lots of people would want to help you hun. your so worth it. no i havent read my life story on here, i will read it- belive me im messed up too.
i no we need the courage to do what we need to do- i just takes time to attually get the courage to do it- but im sure one day we will both get the couarge to get the help we both need- but for now i don’t think im ready…..
Lisa xx
Babe only you know when you are ready, we have to do it for ourselves otherwise there is no point. Right now just take each day as it comes and try the best you can, thats all any of us can do.
There isnt a post called my life story but my life story is written over various posts on here.
Im here if you need me Lisa, email or otherwise ill always reply as soon as I am able.
Just try and rest and conserve your energy for fighting each day babe, we are all doing the same thing.
Love
TS
xxxx
hi guys
have either of you tried to ring the free rape crisis line it is sorta like childline they just sit there and listen and dont judge. They dont force you to get help they just listen. Both of you are worth the chance of life. There are things beyond our control that mess us up beyond belief but it doesnt make you any less deserving to life then the person who has had a problem free life
xxxxx
thank you so much TS- that means alot to me, talk soon, take care or urself, love u lots xx lisa xx
I have to go out now, ill be back on later sometime.
Lisa, remember, I am here if you need me ok?! Always
TS
xxxx
Aisling– no i havent ever tryed ringing one of those helplines things, to be honest i dont think i would have the courage to…. on here its much eaiser.. coz you are just typing things– if u no what mean? i havent got much confidence to talk to people i no, so i dont think i would be able to talk to somone on the phone. but thanks anyway for ur advice hun,
take care xx
OK TS- may talk to you soon then, thanks, im here whenever you need to talk also hun.
XxX lisa xx
Lisa, I sorry you are struggling so much. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you.
I’ve decided that tracking my calories on that website is not good for me. I find myself trying NOT to reach the goal I set for myself. I used to track my calories after I had my youngest son, but I was in a much healthier place back then. I was nursing him, and I knew that I had to eat a certain amount of calories in order to be able to do that. (sorry if that is TMI for anyone) I have backslide a lot these last few years. I can’t even remember when or how it started. I think I started reverting to old habits without even realizing it. Or without wanting to admit it to myself.
I will talk to my doctor at my appointment on Thursday, but for now, I’ve decided to stop tracking on-line. It’s too easy to let myself be proud for not reaching my goal.
miss A- sounds like u know what u are talking about- i think u have made the right desion- glad that you are also going to talk to your doctor. good luck . Hugs xx
well its 7.15am here- i have been up for 2 hour already- i am feeling so tired and weak after all my exersise this morning- i no i really shuldent have done any- im not feeling great about what i did last night- i ate a whole bowl full of ceral and milk and the purged it all ….. im feeling a little guilty for that- i did promice myself that the purging was not to happen anymore- that was the first time i did that in a month- i think because i was feeling real low last night- i think that triggered me- i wanted pain, i wanted to punish myself for feeling low, i dident want to be happy- i don’t derserve to be. well i better be off now- i have college today and need to get ready- i decided i wasen’t going to let anorexia stop me going to college again- so i am going to go to college 2 days a week from now on until i get better then i can go full time. Hope u all have a great day- will be on here later if i can,
Take Care -
love Lisa xxx
So, last night was the worst night I have had in a long time.
My head was pounding so hard that I felt like a train was passing our dorm and only I could hear the whistle. Every little thing was so loud to me.. I could hear the charges in my cell phone charger spitting out of the socket as my phone charged. I heard every little high pitched noise (as if I didn’t hear them before) but amplified about 3,000,000 watts. So, what do I do? I see that it is only 10:30 and I count out that if I went to sleep now, I’d be asleep for more than 8 hours before I had to get up for my 9:30 class. So, I take a sleeping pill.. and stumble to my bed.. forget that I have the top bunk.. almost fall out of bed.. then just lay there. We have a thing in our bed room (I have a two roomed dorm.. a study room and a bed room with a nice sound proof door in between) that we keep the door closed when someone is sleeping, but we don’t turn off the light until two people are sleeping. I knew that with the light on, I would never get to sleep. So, I turned off the light. I lay there in pain for an hour. my pills are supposed to help within 30 minutes. One of my room mates comes in and complains about the light being off and turns it on (this is the one that (obviously) doesn’t have much care for me). I ask her if, when she is done, she could turn the light off and close the door. She’s like, “ohh suuuure.” I lay there another hour. Now it is 12:30 and I am half awake half asleep. I start to cry because the pain in my head is so intense that I can’t even try to concentrate on sleeping. All of a sudden, I get a HUGE pain in my lower abdomen. It decides it wants to stay and hang out, too. So here I am, laying in bed with a horrible migraine and a randomly awkward pain that is shooting through out my body. My heart starts palpitating because I am stressing out and that causes my head to basically explode with pain because it is beating with my heart.
I wanted to take pain pills, but you aren’t supposed to with sleeping pills because when the medicines react, one or the other doesn’t work. I decided it was worth a shot. I stumble out of my bed, scared to death that because I am so woozy from my sleeping pill that I might fall and hurt myself even more. I get to my desk in the other room. Two of the three room mates are gone off doing something. Rachel, my basically best friend here was in the bathroom at the time. I half heartedly find my Tylenol (which I haven’t taken since who knows when) and I take two. I drink the entire water bottle and grab another and take it to bed with me. I fall while getting up in my bed this time, jammed my jaw as if you couldn’t add to my pain, eh?
I laid there for literally 5 hours. I didn’t get to sleep until 6 or so in the morning. I believe the only reason I fell asleep was because I was crying out in pain (quietly) and praying that I be taken away from this awful pain. I’m glad God decided to answer my prayer by allowing me to get at least 3 hours of sleep. It was the worst pain I have ever felt. Ever. I hope that it was better than child birth, though it probably isn’t even comparable.
I woke up this morning at 8:30, still in pain, but my head was feeling a lot better with just a mild headache. I also started my period.. yesterday which probably doesn’t help. I have really only had 6 periods in my life, starting about 2 years ago. The doctor forced out a period to test me and I found out I had Polycystical Ovarian Syndrome. So, they forced another one out of me so I could start on birth control. Since I have started, I have been on a month long period. After the 6th week of taking them, I am supposed to stop for two weeks to regulate everything out. Well, this is the beginning of those two weeks.. so I think that is why all of this happened.
Man, sorry for such a long post.. I really just needed to share that with someone though.
Lisa, good luck with your college experience, hun. If you allow it to be, it can be the best time of your life. College is a LOT of work, but you know what? In the long run, it is totally worth it. I’m proud of you for not purging your cereal. That’s really all it takes, one step at a time. I thought I’d never quit purging… here I am today saying I haven’t purged since March 31st. You can do it, too! I have faith in you.
Miss A, sounds like maybe you shouldn’t count calories yourself. Maybe keep a food log with out the calories attached to it? That helped me eat a little more each day. Then I wasn’t acknowledging the amount of calories, but the amount of nutrition or actual food intake.
Have a wonderful day, ladies. We all deserve one.
-Michelle
Hey guys
I know this is totally random but something just shocked me today and it kinda makes me real upset. I have recieved a lot of requests from girls to give them tips on how to “be” skinny which i just ignore but today i got an email from a girl who desperately wants to “be” anorexic. She Said “hi i saw your profile and i see you have anorexia and i’d just like to know how you catch anorexia because i have been trying for a while and i have not been successful” This email really upset me to think that people believe anorexia is something like a cold you can get it when you want and it will be gone in no time. I knew there were people out there that wanted to be skinny etc but it never occurred to me that people actually wanted this disease. It just shows you how messed up the world is when girls want to “be” anorexic. (using their terms). It just upset me so yeah thats my rant over
Michelle – I am so sorry you had such a rough night hun
MissA – i think you have made the right desiscion good you are talking to your doc but i think he will support your desiscion
Lisa – glad to hear your sticking with college that is defo a step towards recovery. The chat lines are not really that diff to typing i have tried them once and didnt like it at all but lots of people find those sort of lines helpful. but i understand what you mean
take care everyone
x x x x
um, I know I haven’t posted in half of forever- but am I still allowed to ask for help?
Sheridan- of course! have missed you while youv’e been away. but you are always welcome babe
Lisa- hun you are so strong and that took a lot of courage to share that. babe, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! i have never been there, so idk what to tell you. but i really do hope you can get the help you need. and that college goes alright for you. i know what it is like to feel like you need to feel pain to punish yourself, i am a cutter. but babe, you don’t deserve to hurt that way. im here if u ever wanna talk, alright? <3
Aisling- i know we were chatting bout that earlier, but i still just cannot understand that. who on earth would want this effed up disease? it is not glamorous and is not something you just ‘get’. you don’t just decide to have an ED. i hope they realise that and that they stop messaging you about it. that is awful.
Michelle- hun are you feeling any better?? i am so sorry you were hurting so badly last night. *hugs* i hope that you get some sleep tonight. with no pain.
MissA- how’s it going babe? i’m glad you decided to do what is best for your recovery and stop doing the calorie counter. i can see how it would be triggering and making you want to go less cals than set.
TS- how are you doing? better i hope. hun about that show woman, you do not need to change a thing about yourself. you are gorgeous and trying to lose anymore weight would just make you sicker. and we definitely do not want that.
Kim, Mrs.B., Laura- how are you all? hope to hear from you soon.
Love you,
<3 Sarah
Aisling.. don’t be mad at me, but I used to be one of those girls. I kind of felt like I had to say that. But it was more so after I already developed the disease. Mostly it was because I wanted to know what others were doing, so I guess you could have called me pro-ana for quite some time. I thought what I was doing was the only way to happiness and if others were achieving it more quickly than I was, I wanted to know how it was possible. I feel simply awful for it now, but that wasn’t until I came to understand that it was a disease. Maybe you should straighten it out with anyone who asks you of these things.
Sarah, thanks for the concern. All day today was torture.. my head was still pounding, and when I woke up I felt so drowsy. I don’t know what was up with me.. I think it might have been a case of day-sickness, only.. at night. I’m feeling somewhat better now, my stomach just hurts and I have this awful taste in my mouth. My body is going insane on me right now! haha
Sheri! I’m so glad to hear from you.. please ask for help whenever you want dear! You can leave and come back as often as you please. =]
I am starting to get a hold of math again.. but it just hit me today how much I have to do tomorrow. I am going to New York City late Thursday night and not coming back until about 3/4 in the morning on Monday.. so I don’t have the weekend to do anything. I have a 10 minute presentation in Spanish on Monday at 10:45, so I think I might try to work on that as much as possible.. but before that, I have my Macroeconomics homework due by 9 am on Thursday and a Calc 5 midterm at 7:30 Thursday night! I also still need to pack.. and man I just have so much to do and not enough time. This is when I read this prayer: Lord, I have too much to do, but it is all important. Help me to set priorities so that I don’t feel lost in the pace and pressure. Give me the wisdom and the energy to accomplish what’s necessary without wasting time or effort. Help me make the best use of my day, remembering that time is a precious gift from you. Amen.
I hope to sleep tonight, as last night I obviously did not get much at all.
Love you all,
Michelle
Michelle, I hope you have a peaceful night. I suffer from migraines so I know how debilitating they can be.
Aisling, I know it is upsetting to have girls asking you for tips, but they are just ignorant. Unless someone has an ED, they can not know how horrible a disease it is.
Sheridan, you can always ask for help. I have been wondering how you are doing.
Sarah, I have one work to say to you: kink
Anyone who I may have missed: I hope you are all doing okay.
Please keep praying for Nats.
I meant word, not work. Can’t keep from mixing up my d’s and k’s
Thanks guys-
To put it simply: my weight is fluxing, I’m exhausted, my heart is beating itself out of its chest and lands me in the ER every few days (pulse too fast- resting at 126, working at 189) and it’s speeding up.
I’m trying to take care of myself- but it’s hard.
Please, just be there with me, no matter what happens? I’m scared.
-Sheri
I’ll be here for you forever and a day Sheri
*hugs*
-Michelle
Well, today is Wednesday and it is my last open day to get work done. Tomorrow is going to be very busy for me. Last night I didn’t sleep a wink because my ex boyfriend was trying to convince me to get back with him until 6 in the morning. I have a 9:30 class so I just went on a run then took a shower. Well, here I am now, tired.. but staying awake because I have so much to do. I leave for New York City Thursday night at midnight. I’ll be there computerless until Monday morning. So, I’ll have to let you guys know how it goes. So, this is my farewell for like 5 days
. But, I’ll be back later. My e-mail is lewis8097@yahoo.com if you want to exchange phone numbers over e-mail or something if you have texting? I don’t know. But, I just wanted to wish you guys well and take care of yourselves while I’m gone. =]
Love you all!
-Michelle
xoxo
Michelle i am used to other anorexics asking me for tips etc but it was the fact that i had a complete randomer ask me how to “become” anorexic (their words). I think there is a difference between pro ana and wanting anorexia. Pro ana is usually between other suffers exchanging tips etc but wanareexics are people who have never experienced it and just want anorexia as some sort of trend or something and that what really annoyed me so i think you are different although i dont like pro ana it is still very different. Have a nice trip in Newyork
Sheri – i think i speak for everyone when i say nobody will abandon you here
MrsB how are things with you?? how is your daughter?? havent heard from you in a while?
Nats hun you are still in my thoughts
anyone i missed i am sorry and hopefully you are all in uber spirits
x x x x
Sarah- hun thanks- im here 4 u 2. xx
Michelle- hope ur night is better 2night:) and i hope u have a great trip 2 new york. Talk soon, Take care, xx
Aisling- yeah u are right about pro ana and wanarexics being completely different- i get people emailaling me about tips and stuff and i hate it. But never got anyone asking me how to become anorexic- but heard about it– why would someone want to become anorexic???? thats mad- its complete hell… they need that drummed into them…. but i bet at least a few of the people who want anorexia has a little bit of a eating issue anyway- but not a full blown ED. The best thing to do with those emails is just ignore them, hope ur okay??? Take Care hun xx
Well my day started off great got up at 5am as usal and did my hours exersise as normal and then i had the urge to have some breakfast and purge it– but i did a good thing i ate it.. took me 45 mins, but i did it… and then i felt i couldent purge it because it took such a effort to eat, so i dident purge my ceral- was a real achievement for me- but after breakfast it all started going down hill for me- i went to college and went for my first lesson- which was fine at first… but then we had a different tutor for the lesson that known of us knew.. she made a remark to the class room assistant about me- that i wasent supossed to hear, but i culd see them both looking at me while they were talking- the tutor was asking why i was so “skinny and white” and then said is she another one of those anorexic girls on a stupid diet? this really upset me, but i held it in until the lesson ended and said to the college nurse that i felt ill and went home,i felt so down that i started cutting myself on my arms- i hate people talking about me behind my back, why couldent she just say it to my face rather than trying to say stuff without me hearing- o how i hate this world- why do i have to have this stupid disease- why can’t i be “normal”. I fear that im never going to be normal ever, and i fear that im never going to be appcetpted by anyone- im just nothing- i don’t deserve to be happy and loved. sorry for the long post- just needed to let some anger and my thoughts out.
How is everyone today? you all had a good day?
hope ur all ok.
Love ya all
Lisa xx
Sheri– babe of course ur allowed to come on here, we have missed you so much, im here wenever u need to talk hun, i care about u so much, how has ur day been 2day? hope to talk soon
Lisa xx
Michelle, have fun on your trip. I hope you get some rest before you have to leave.
Lisa, be proud of yourself for what you accomplished today. I’m sorry about the people at school. They are insensitive jerks. Ignore them.
Aisling, how are you today? Well, I hope.
It will be four weeks tomorrow that I have been feeling sick. I have had some better days, but today has not been one of them. My head started hurting last night, and has continued to hurt today. When I bend over the left side of my head hurts really badly. Sometimes it hurts when I move my head. I’ve tried taking something for it, but it hasn’t helped. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning, so hopefully I will get some answers then.
Nats, please email me, text me, or leave me a message here. You know how I worry about you. I will try to be on yahoo as much as I can. I love you.
Hey guys… me again.
Still feeling really melancholy… really down, really tired and all of the above.
Does maman still post here? (maman = a_mother = laura)?
Cos I could use a mom right about now.
Mrs. B, can I e-mail you? And MissA- whats going on healthwise? Are you okay??
Love, Sheri
P.S, Thanks guys, for making me feel like I can still hang out here =)
TS- you’re awesome… I hope your health is okay- don’t run away this time lovely, hang in there.
Love, Sheri
Sheri, Laura posts here still occasionally. I’m not sure how often she comes here though.
I’m not sure what is wrong with me. I’ve been sick for weeks, but I go to the doctor tomorrow. I didn’t like my last doctor, so I found a new one. Only problem is I had to wait weeks to get an appointment. Hopefully I’ll find out more tomorrow.
Hope you feel better.
Guys,
I am sorry I have been gone so much lately. It’s been a busy time. Mostly good. Tonight I went to my son’s high school awards program. It was really pretty funny. He had nothing to wear. I came flying home at 5:30, we ran him to the mall, bought shirt, tie, socks, pants, belt, shoes and got him to the program at 6:30. It was fun. He was scholar/athlete, top 10% and National Spanish language award. I feel like he gets ignored because my daughter is so ill, but he’s so laid back. He seems fine.
Sheri,
You are WELCOME to write to me: debrockman@aol.com
Write ANY time.
Ais,
I’m fine. My daughter is doing well. She decided on her own that she wanted to postpone moving out on her own for a month. I’m relieved. And I think that she was very responsible to have made that choice. She is doing so much better living with friends right now. They love her and she doesn’t feel as much pressure.
Lisa,
One of the great things about getting old is this. You begin to believe in yourself for BEING yourself. What other people think really stops being too important. Remember this. If someone talks behind your back, who really has the problem? As a Christian I know that I am to have a gentle tongue and Love others. Particulary those who I know are struggling. Right? If I tread on those who are weaker than I am, what does it say about my soul? Try to keep in mind that this life is a struggle for everyone, Lisa. But those of us who continue to show love toward others will be victorious. You are doing great. I’m proud of you for keeping up the fight.
MissA……hope you’ve FINALLY got the right doctor. You’ve had too much of a struggle. It is time you get a break, girlfriend. You are such a sweetheart. You DESERVE a break. I’m praying on that one.
Nats,
I love you. I hope you are doing OK.
Sarah….how are you honey? I’ve missed talking to you!
Michelle! Have fun in New York!!
Love to everyone.
Mrs. B.
am having a rough night. hopefully tomorrow’s better. just wanted to say. will write more perhaps tomorrow.
love you all.
<3 sarah
sarah,
I’m sorry last night was hard. I remember my daughter’s bad nights and they terrified me. I’m sorry, honey. I hope that tomorrow is a better day.
Shelly,
How are you doing. The last time you wrote you sounded kind of down.
Kim,
I know you are really busy, but I look forward to your next post.
Nats,
As always, I am very worried about you.
Love,
Mrs. B.
lonely, silent darkness
pick-up-sticks on the floor
noise in my head
exhausted.
I hate my life.
Sheri,
Please let us know what is going on. We have all missed you.
Mrs. B.
Hello all.
Mrs.B. – it was nice to hear from you, its been a few days. i hope you are doing alright
Sheridan- babe i am so sorry you are hurting. what is going on? we are here for you and love you. tace care.
MissA- you make me laugh =] hehe kink
and thanks for being there to chat
Lisa- how you doing hun? i hope better. i know its hard but you cant let people like that get you down. what they think doesnt matter. have a good time at college.
Nats- i love you soo much. please check in and tell us how you are doing. hope you are doing alright
Ailing- hey babe. whats up? ily
soooo, yeah. last night just basically sucked. i had not eaten in a few days and my heart is being a bit weird again, so i made myself eat 60 cals. every bite was agonizing and horrible and all i could think about was how it is going to turn straight to fat. i wanted so bad to just throw it out and continue with my starve. because i am losing even more weight, which did kind of make me happy. there is always a bit more to lose though, no matter how much i starve myself. and i just felt so repulsive putting food in my mouth. i have been feeling a bit ill the last few days. sick and dizzy and stuff. but im alright, have not passed out or anything. just thought i would put that on here.
well- school work time.
love you all- always
<3 sarah
haha aisling sorry babe- spelled your name wrong
Everybody,
I am ok. You can all stop worrying about me.
Nats
Hi all,
Sorry I have been busy and not around as much.
Nats, define ok. How are you feeling? How is your eating? Do you have a support system in place? Are you staying with someone? I am not trying to interfere in your life, we all just care about you and want you safe and well. Take care of you!
Sheridan, share with us what is going on. Do you have a support system there? If not can you call your doctor to refer you to a therapist? We are here, you are not alone.
Miss a, what did you find out at the doctor today? I hope you found some answers and they come with solutions. It is no fun to be in pain. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xxx
Michelle, I think you will find what you are meant to do, the answer will come to you. For now, do your very best to take care of you.
Lisa, I hope you are doing well and taking good care of yourself.
Sarah, how have you been doing? Update us. I have been thinking of you.
Mrs. B, I have missed chatting with you. How is Jes? How are you? I hope things are moving forward and progressing well. I love your hope and inspiration. You help me see the positive side of things and feel hopeful. thanks, xxx
Shelly, How are you doing today? I hope you are having a wonderful day and you find time today to do something nice for you. Know that I am here for you, anytime! xxx
aisling, how are you today? I am glad I am getting to know you here.
As for me, I am learning alot at work and finding that when I close at 8pm it usually means sometime after 9pm, but that also means I am doing well. I have been keeping my sales equal to where the other sales reps are so that makes me feel good. There is tons to learn and I feel I am a quick learner, especially given that the way they train is to just throw you in. The hardest part for me is sticking to my meal plan because when we are busy they dont let you leave. I have dropped some weight since starting and it has continued. I know I have to stay on top of this but am finding it hard to get it done. And to be honest, seeing numbers fall on the scale makes me feel happy even though I know it is not healthy. I know I dont want to be where I have been as I know when I was at my lowest I was not happy. I am looking for a balance and need to find it quickly. I am more active at this job so probably need to work even harder to get in my calories to maintain health. I am struggling with it but very aware. My parents left on vacation April 1 and I have dropped 10 pounds since that date. They come home on or around May 15 so I am working to get on track. Wish me luck. Thanks all for letting me share. It helps keep me honest and aware and accountable.
Take care all!! Love ya, xxxkim
Kim,
How are you doing? How are you holding up? Missed you!
I am alone, like it best that way. Im ok so you all just need to stop worrying abou tme and worry about yourselves is all.
I am my own support system
Nats
x
nats, I missed you too. You know you are my friend and being such I automatically worry when I think a friend may be in trouble or in need of help. I do care about you and want you to have support (other then just yourself) there around you. You always have us here, but I think you need more there. I have the day off today so am headed out to run some errands then I need to go to work for just a few hours to close a deal then I will be back. You hang in and try to do something nice (and healthy) for you today. I look forward to talking to you later. Love ya, Kim
Mrs. B, I have missed you. It is good to hear from you. Congrats to your son for his accomplishments.
Sarah, I am proud of you for trying to eat. I know it is hard, but keep trying. I think you are starting to realize that thinner doesn’t equal happier. Keep working at it and take care of yourself.
Kim,sounds like you have been very busy. It is good that you realize what you need to do to take care of yourself. That is the first step to getting better.
Sheri, how are you today?
Nats, I love you.
I went to the doctor this morning. It went okay. No answers yet. I’m scheduled to have an MRI of my head next Wednesday. When I tried to talk to her about some other things, she basically said “one thing at a time”. She was very nice, but I was still kind of disappointed. If I take one thing at a time, I’ll have to make 20 more appointments just to discuss what is going on. I hate that doctors schedule so many patients in one day that they only give you about 15 minutes to discuss what is wrong with you. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. I guess I’ll wait to see how the MRI turns out, then move on to the next issue.
Sorry this post is so long.
Hi everybody
Sarah that is how my nephew pronounces my name =P I am so sorry to hear you are having such a rough time I wish I could just pop over to America and give you a bear hug I loff you x
Nat sweetie it is so good to hear from you, I was worried you are such an angel and deserve the best
MrsB I am so glad to hear from you and that your daughter is doing so well hopefully she will continue to make progress and one day be free from these demons. I am glad you had a good time at your sons awards.
Kim it is good to get to know you too you are so nice. It sounds like you are extremely busy and hopefully you will be able to regain control of your well being.
MissA glad you went to the doc but yup I hate the way that it almost feels like all they are thinking about is the next patient and your still in the room.
Sheri hun I am so sorry you are in so much pain
Lisa hun ily and it is horrible to hear people talk about you but remeber you are better then them do not let them beat you
ts – how are you? i hope you are good
Well as for me I have been feeling extremely guilty which is why it took so long to post. I was dreading going to a bbq my friends organised cause the only reason they did was to see if I was still eating without making it look like they did it for that reason. But part of me wanted to go and show them there is nothing wrong with me and that their suspicions would be gone. Then after almost a week of not purging I purged everything I had been forced to eat while they were watching me. A part of me wanted them to just confront me and I would not even have tried to deny it but I also felt happy when they didn’t cause I got away with it. Lately I hate who I have become I have become exactly who I swore I would never be again. I am lying to my friends, I have begun to use my nieces and nephews in ways to hide my ed and I hate myself for it. Recently my mams drinking has become out of control and my little brother is looking to me for support which icannot give because i am so weak. I have become weak from constant starvation but I do not want to change. All i do nowadays is cry I enjoy the suffering my body is experiencing I feel I deserve it My ed is all I have left it has seen me through everything I cannot and do not want to get rid of it does that make me a horrible person?
I am sorry for such a long post and i ahvent even re read over it so i dunno if it even makes sense but if i do not post it now i never will
TS- are u around huni???
hope ur okay?
lisa xxx
MissA,
If we don’t do something about illegal immigration I don’t know what we will do…between the insured people paying for the costs of the uninsured and the lack of supply of medical people….well, it’s a tough problem. One that universal healthcare will only complicate. I hear that it takes up to 3 years to schedule a physical in Massachusetts where the state has implemented universal care. No easy answers.
That is a frustrating fact of medicine…the lack of time that doctors have to give. I wish we had an answer to that. I do know that doctors are totally overwhelmed. My husband works 80 hours a week every week. But there are 5000 too few Radiologists in the US and since it takes 13 years to train a Radiologist, there just is a huge undersupply and it will take a long time to fix. And it is true of most specialties. And primary care is even worse. Medicine is a catastrophe. My husband wishes every day that he has gone into dentristry
Ais,
Sometimes I feel like there is a passive aggressive anger among many people with EDs. Bottom line, when someone pretends to be fine and then purges, it FEELS like a very in your face act to the people who love you. The smiley face at the party, followed by the purging session seems like a slap in the face to people who only want to care for you. Next time that you suspect that someone is trying to force you to eat, maybe try honesty. Let them know how uncomfortable the situation is and that you appreciate their concern. I hate to sound preachy, but I experienced many of these kinds of events from the other end of an ED. My daughter would eat and eat and eat and act like the big party girl, only to purge later. It was horrifying knowing that she could kill herself that way. Even though I know that an ED is complicated and that you are trying to hurt yourself more than others, it does hurt others. Maybe help you and help them. Be honest and try not to put yourself in these dangerous situations.
Sarah,
I’m proud of your for trying to eat, too!
Kim,
Please don’t put “performance” above life. We all care about you. You are way more important than your car sales, though….remember that, please.
Love, Mrs. B.
hi lisa
I’m here babe
You ok?
TS
Hi all,
HOw are you all doing?
Sorry I havent been around much! But here I am back again! Im like a yo-yo, always comes back xx
I hope your all ok,
Love you all
TS
TS are u still online??
Lisa x
yes lisa im here babe
TS
im tottaly freaking out here.. have u got time to talk- or have u got to run?
lisa x
im here babe whats wrong?
i have these weird sharp pains in my stomach- i have fainted 3 times in the last hour and a bit- dnt no whats wrong wid me, i have taken painkilers but nothing has worked, feel like im gona pass out again soon, my head is spinning- i feel sick but every time i rush 2 the bathroom nothing comes out- its really strange these pains they keep on getting worse every now and then, i feel like im gona be sick everytime they come- i just want them to go away.
babe, do you think you would be able to go and get yourself checked out? I know your scared but at least then youwould know whats wrong and what will stop it
TS
i can’t- what if they find out somethings wrong? im so scared… i dont want any more pain- i no i derserve it- but i just want it to stop for a while at least till 2morow- i need some sleep.
if i did get checked out they would tell my parents and i dont want them finding out about my pains, they will just say its my own fault as they always do.
i must sound so weak- well the truth is – i am weak and pathetic.
Lisa babe listen to me,
You can either sit there in this pain and put up with it for longer, or you can risk getting checked out and getting help for it. You could just phone your local gp and ask them what it could be, you dont have to go down there, just phone and ask what they suggest you do to stop the pain
TS
yea ok maybe i will do that… are u around for a bit longer?
x lisa
if you want me to wait babe ill wait, i wont leave you.
TS
xxx
thank you hun, il be back soon, promice
x x
ok babe ill be here.
TS
xx
well i just rang my GP- not good news really. he told me to go to hospital to get myself checked out because he doesent like the sound of my smptoms.
well i just rang my GP- not good news really. he told me to go to hospital to get myself checked out because he doesent like the sound of my smptoms- he thinks it could be bad- not sure im going to go or not tho..
so what are you going to do now babe?
I know your scared but I do think you should at least get yourself checked out, at least then you can get something to stop the pain. And the hospital cant tell your parents as its private and confidential unless you give them permission.
TS
xx
Lisa babe you NEED to get that checked out. that is really not good. hun please help yourself. the hosp can hopefully help with those pains and see what is going on.
<3
im not sure what im going to do really- im on the fence about this one, one side of me is telling me to go and the other is telling me not too beacause i dont derserve help- i do really want help- my my brain is winning me over… i don’t want them to find something bad again, i dont want to have 2 be in hospital again, i hate it.
im not sure what to do really- what do u suggest? could i just leave it till the morning and go then?
x lisa x
sarah- im not sure if i can…. i wish i could… the thoughts in my head are telling me not to go to loudly..
xx
babe this is something you need to decide for yourself but I think you should go down there, got checked out and then see what they suggest, you have nothing to lose by going down there, and if you dont like what they are suggesting then you dont have to do it but you should give it a chance babe, really you should.
But again its your choice and im here for you regardless.
TS
well i guess you are rite TS- what have i got to lose- but what ever happens im not going to stay there for the night. im so scared wish i had someone with me, i dont want to be alone.
i just hope everything is ok– im so so scared- why do i have 2 be so ill, why can’t i stop hurting myself by starving myself then i wouldent always be ill!
well i will go down there now, and hopefully if all is ok by 2morow i will be on here, if not then il try and be on here over the weekend to let you know whats going on.
Talk soon i hope, take care of urself hun, love u .
lisa xx
Babe im so happy to hear that, let meknow how it goes.
love you!
TS
xx
Lisa,
Take care. Be sure to report to us when you can.
TS. You are a great friend. You really are.
Lisa, I’m glad you decided to get help. Please let us know how you are doing.
Mrs. B, I know doctors are very busy because there is a shortage of healthcare workers in the US. I understand, but I was still disappointed. I was hoping she would be able to do something for the pain I am in. It would be nice to at least schedule some tests to try to find out what is going on, not just what is going on in my head. It’s depressing to think that if I have to take things one at a time, it will take me months to go through what is wrong with me now. What else will go wrong with me while I am patiently waiting for help? It’s just really depressing. I want help. I’m tired of living like this. I finally get up the courage to seek help and I have to wait. Depressing to say the least.
Lisa- hope you’re okay.
MissA- I’ll pray that help comes soon.
MissA,
I completely understand. I get frustrated by it too. I’m not dealing with physical pain, but I know that with my daughter, I feel like there are numerous issues impacting her mental health and nobody has the time to sit and talk about all of them together and figure out a comprehensive plan. We get medicine tweeks. I’m sure it is MORE frustrating when you are dealing with physical pain. I’m really sorry.
Hugs.
Mrs. B.
MrsB I know how wrong it is to backstap my friends because they truly are the only ones who care about me. I do not usually purge because I used to a lot and tore something inside me and was in hosp for a while and it was painful so I don’t. But I felt like I had to yesterday to punish myself for eating. Usually I tend to avoid eating and fast a lot but my friends were getting suspicious thinking I was turning back to old ways and they were right but I couldn’t say it so I went to try and show them I was ok even though I know I’m not. I don’t know why I did it but I did. It kills me to have to be so distant with them and all I seem to do is push them away I am not worth their kindness. They do not deserve a friend like me. I know what I did was wrong but I cant stop.
Lisa hun take care of urself and I’m glad you are looking to get help.
MissA Do not lose faith in getting help from the doctors. I know how hard it is to seek help but dont let it set you back.
xxxxx
Hello!
Me again!
How is everyone doing today?
Lisa how did you get on babe? I hope your ok and I hope to haer from you soon to let me know how you got on. You made a big step babe and im proud of you and you should be proud of yourself.
Sarah, Mrs B,Mielle, Miss A, Aisling, Sheridan, all of you, you are great and you are all doing great! I know you are all struggling with one thing or another but you are all fighting, and that is amazing to see!
We just need to track down Laura now, Laura = a_mother = maybe4me
Where are you Laura???? I hope your ok hun.
TS
hiya- how u all doing?
Emily is out of hospital now and is back at home but still has a tube in her stomach, but is getting better slowly. She wants you all to know that she misses u all very much and that she will be on here again very soon.
Lisa- babe i hope ur ok- please come on here when u can and tell us that u are ok, ur in my thoughts. x
Laura– Where are u hun??? have missed u on yahoo- really hope that ur ok- x
hope ur all ok and that uve all had a good day- talk soon,
Brooke xx
hiya guys-
im fine – still in the hospital but il be fine- thanks for caring all of u.
How are u all?
TS- Babe thanks so much for talking 2 me the other night- ur a great friend. How are u?
lisa x
Hiya Lisa,
Its great to hear from you, I was worried!
So do you wanna share whats up or you want to keep that to yourself? ITs fine if you do, just that it worried me is all.
I am kind of glad you are still in the hospital although I know it it were me in your position I would be going nuts! And you probably are but im proud of you for making the steps that you have!.
Im always here to talk babe, no problem.
Im not great, not feeling very happy at moment but its ok im sure ill drag myself out of it.
TS
xxxx
TS–
well i was admitted to hospital wen they checked me out- they said that im very dehydrated and that my organs are failing even more than they was before- they say that one of my kidneys is nearly useless so i need a op to remove it because its failing- the stomaach pains and fainting was coz of dydration- i fitted twice since i have been her coz of lack of food apparently. im hooked up to all of these stupid machines, and had to have a tube thro my nose to get food into me, which i have ripped out- i dont want food in me. but they just said that they will have to sew it into my stomach if i keep on ripping it out- but im not going to let them put any tube into me. i tryed to get out of here this morning but i just collapsed on the floor before i could even get out of the ward- i hate it here, ur rite it is driving me nuts and i just want to get out of here- i will get out of here soon, im not staying – no chance.
they say i have computer acsess if i stay in my bed so i will stay in my bed until i feel strong enough to go home- and i also want acsess to talk on here, i need u hun, please dont give up on me….
im so sorry to hear that ur not feeling great at the moment- do u want to talk about it? im here if u do hun, i will be on here 2nite about 9-10pm (UK time) not sure if ur in the us or the uk. but i hope i will talk 2 u later hun,
have a good day-
love u xx
lisa x
lisa babe,
I know you hate it there and I certainly can understand why, but believe me when I say you do NOT want that tube in your stomach! I have been there and done it and its horrible, so babe please just try and leave your one alone where it is until you feel stronger.
Regarding the computer time, I was the same as you too, I hated not having communication to this place, its like my life!!
Im not going to give up on you babe, that will never happen, you need me and ill be here for you as much as I possibly can.
I am in UK babe.
Take care and stay strong.
TS
Good morning everyone =]
over here in ohio it is beautiful and sunshiney out
and sunshine puts me in a good mood so woooo! lol
Lisa- I am glad to hear you are in hosp. i was worried! please try to keep that tube in. it is awful but you need it to get better and to leave hosp. good luck hun!
Twistsis- Hun I am really hoping you are alright. i wish i could lessen the pain of all the crap you are dealing with. stay strong. and i am here if you need me alright. love you.
MissA- hey babe. whats up? i actually smiled when i came to your name =P kink haha. i am sorry to here about the docs. hopefully they will be able to figure out what is wrong soon and get rid of that pain. have a good day hun.
Aisling- hey girl. whats goin on with you my friend? i hope you are doing better then when i talked to you a couple days ago. babe you do desserve your friends and they need and love you as much as you need and love them. please try to be honest with them. ED wants you to get away with lying and faking that you are alright when you arent. good luck babe. ily
Mrs.B., Sheridan, Brooke- how are you all doing? good i hope =]
Laura- where you been??
Michelle- i hope you are havin fun on your trip!
well today i am going to have lunch with family friends. i am a bit nervous. because the 11 yr old girl always watches what i eat and says she feels fat around me and all that. but i am going to try hard just to have fun like everyone else. but i am just so worried because i have to eat today and tomorrow. we are eating with the whole fam for mothers day. and my mom says it is good because i need to eat ‘fatty and buttery’ food. ughhhh. she keeps complaining about her own weight. but im not allowed to complain about mine. she has been forcing me to eat a bit and i have gained a pound and a half this week! she said it is because even the littlest amount of food will make me put on weight because my body is starving. i dont even know what to do because i do not want to go back to purging. i will figure somethin out i dunno.
wow sorry that was so long!!
have a good day all. i love you guys!
<3 sarah
Regardless…
What can you do,
When the poems don’t come?
When you’re angry, upset
But there is no release?
Do you write anyway?
Just put down words?
In hopes that it will work
To get rid of the hurt.
It would be nice
To always have words
Describing, filling
Being the pain
Removing it from you
Taking it away
So you can smile
So you can breathe…
Accomplishment gives you joy.
Logic takes it away.
Your own emotion gives it back.
Someone Else takes it away.
A poem stops the see-saw
And your joy is yours again.
Regardless?
no no no no no no no no no no no no !!!!!!!
my dad. he came over just now. right when my mom left. i hate him so much!!! he is not even supposed to be here, he is on paroll!! my stomach like turned over. oh god. why cant he just leave and never come back?!?! and- he got permission from his paroll officer to come over to my aunt’s house tomorrow for mothers day. we all hate him. my cousins arent even allowed to be in the same place he is. why is he coming. why cant he leave us alone!! but at least i will be safe, my whole fam will be there. i hate this! i hate him!!!
Lisa, I am glad you decided to go to the hospital. I know you hate the tube and want to leave, but please try to leave it in. It is what your body needs right now to get better.
Brooke, It is great news to hear Emily is out of the hospital. We will all be here for her when she gets back.
Aisling, How are you hun? Don’t worry, I won’t give up on trying to get help. I was frustrated and disappointed the other day, but I won’t give up. I know it will not be a quick fix, I was just hoping it would be quicker than it is going to be. I’ll be okay.
Sarah, I’m sorry your dad has shown up like he has. Is there something the police can do to make him stay away? I do hope you are okay.
Sheri, I know you are hurting. We are here for you.
Nats, please let us know how you are doing.
Has anyone heard how Shelly is? I hope she is okay.
I’ve had people asking me questions the last few days about my eating. I have lost weight in the last couple of weeks and people are starting to wonder what I am doing. I admit my eating has not been the greatest, but I have not been completely starving myself either. Someone asked me today if I am taking pills. I have taken pills in the past, but I am not taking anything now. It does feel good that people are noticing I am losing weight, but I don’t like that they are questioning me. I have been binging a lot lately and have gained weight. It’s not like I couldn’t stand to lose weight, so what is the problem?
Sarah-
i hope ur ok.. is there anything ur family can do to get ur dad away from u? good luck with the family meal- sure ur be ok, just think positive- u can do this hun- u are strong- let us know how it goes, take care xx im ok thanks hun, emily has been asking about you all- she say’s that she will make a account on here and come on here within the next few days.
Lisa-
please try and stay in the hospital- its for the best, i no u are scared but listen lisa- u wont get any better if u dnt get help from people, we are all here for u no matter what, but u do need some help from the hospital we dnt want u getting any worse, we are all worried about u hun. please try and leave the tube in hun, u really dont want the tube in ur stomach its not nice, emily has that in her stomach and she hates it- she ripped it out from her stomach once and really hurt herself, its better if u just have the normal tube in ure nose. if u do well over some time in the hospital then im sure that they will let u out soon and then have regular support from threapists. let us know how u are wen u r nxt on the computer, take care hun, x x
miss A– how are u babe? im sorry to say – that people will question u wen they see u hav lost weight- i no its not nice tho- maybe u could just try and change the subject wen they ask things about ur weight and eating? are u getting help from threapists ?
TS- how are u hun? hav u had a good day? xx
laura-Mrs B- Shelly -Kim- where are u all? hope ur all okay??? xx
Nats please let us know that u are ok, we are worried about u. xx
Hope ur all doing ok
love ya all.
Take care.
Brooke xxx
It’s impossible to lead a double life.
To be perfect for one group of people, and be able to fall apart for the other group of people.
I hate it.
Being strong- yet not being strong at all.
My therapist says it’s normal… yeah, that’s right- my therapist. How insane am I?
It all hurts.
I’m dealing with sexual abuse. It’s coming out in the open.
It all hurts.
Can I just go home now?
I miss you guys.
Sheridan, How are you doing today? I’m sorry you are dealing with so much right now. I hope things get better for you.
Brooke, I was seeing a therapist up until this past February. I was going to talk to my doctor about my ed, but I didn’t have time. She is more worried about what is causing my headaches right now.
Nats, I hope you are okay.
MissA, I’m okay, I’m just a little (or a lot) exhausted.
It kind of feels like my world is falling apart and ED is only just a little part of it, I guess.
I don’t know. All I know is that it hurts and I would kill for a hug.
But I am doing okay- I really am. It’ll just take time…
-Sheri
Sheri, I’m sending you a cyberhug. Get some rest and give yourself the time you need to get better. You need it and you deserve it.
hiya–
how r u all?
sorry i dident come on here last nite, something bad happened- i was really i went nuts about having the tube in me and being here in this hospital, so i left- bus dident get very far because on of the nurses spotted me – and she said that i shouldent leave, i wasent going to go back until she talked to me for a while- it took like an hour until i attually went bk to the ward- im really not feeling good about being back here- i just want to get out of here- i want them to let me die- i dont wana be here anymore, i dont derserve to.
sheri- how r u hun? i really hope ur ok- stay strong hun- i no its hard, but u dererve to get better, u all do. im here if u wana talk. take care xxx
Brooke- i no i dnt want a tube in my stomach- but i dont want a tube in my nose either! how is emily doing? i am looking forwards to talking to here soon. how are u doing with all of this? it must be hard for u, ur a brillant mother to stick by emily and help her like u are. take care, send my love 2 emily. xx
TS – Sarah – Miss A- Aisling- how are u all doing?? hope ur all okay. ur all so great- stay strong girls, u can fight this- take care, talk soon i hope, xxx
Nats babe- im really worried about u, please let us no how u are doing. xx
Lisa xxx
Everyone,
I had a good couple of days with my daughter. Friday we went to the bookstore (her favorite place in the world). We came back home and watched, “What Not to Wear” – our favorit “watch together” show. It was nice. She hung out at home Saturday (sleeping a lot – she’s been working alot on her ex boyfriend’s house – painting, cleaning, etc.) and then she went back to his house on Saturday night.
She’s doing pretty well. She decided she is going to take a job at home, working for me, this summer….driving her brother where he needs to go, helping with housework, taking care of our yard and our dogs…that kind of stuff. It will be low pressure although sometimes being around family is high pressure. But she always has a place she can retreat to….her ex’s house. Really, that seems to work pretty well.
I’m anxious for her first appt. with her counselor to start working on CBT for her anxiety. I really pray that she finds relief. I’m also going to talk to her ex about helping her find a church she likes. She misses the church she always went to, but it is so far away from her ex’s house.
Lisa, Please try to relax while you start to get better. We couldn’t seem to keep Nats in the hospital. She’s in bad shape because she won’t let anyone help her. Please don’t follow in her footsteps.
Sarah, How are you doing, sweetheart? I haven’t heard much from you lately. I know you have had a rough patch. I’m thinking about you.
Sheri, You still haven’t told us what is going on with you. You have me worried to death.
MissA – When is your next doctor’s appt? If you asked the nurse to schedule you some extra time when you schedule, maybe you could get a chance to talk about everything. I do think that one of the most broken things about our health care system is that the doctors are so crazy busy that they don’t have time to look at everything all together. I think with my daughter, if someone took the time to talk with her about her hormonal issues and her post traumatic stress issues and her ED all together, she would get better faster. I feel like we bounce around providers and nobody gets the complete picture. Very frustrating. But it boils down to a system of specialists who are all overscheduled. It’s a mess.
Kim, Shelly….you guys are my strength and my inspiration. Stay in touch. I know that you are both really busy.
Love to all,
Mrs. B.
Lisa, I am glad you decided to stay in the hospital. Please try to leave your tube in. I know it is hard, but it is what you need right now to get better.
Mrs. B, I don’t have another appointment scheduled with my doctor yet. I was going to wait to see how the MRI turns out, then schedule an appointment to discuss other issues. When I call I will ask the nurse to schedule extra time for me to talk to the doctor. I hope you have a happy Mother’s Day.
mrs. b, missa, a_mother, and mamav, I hope you each have a very wonderful and loving mother’s day!! I love each of you so much and you have each given me so many gifts of your love. Thank you! To everyone else, I hope you have a wonderful day as well and have an opportunity to spend the day with your mother or loved ones. My mom is still out of town but I did talk to her on the phone and we will celebrate when she gets home.
Mrs. b, you are what gives me strength, hope and inspiration!! Thank you!! love you, xxxkim
Shelly, I have loved getting to chat with you more and getting to know you better. I am glad to call you friend. You have been a great inspiration to me and have helped me to grow in my recovery. Thanks!! Take care of you!! Love ya, xxxkim
Good morning all.
I have to type quickly, i have to leave for school.
Just wanted to tell you all that the family lunch went okay yesterday. I mostly stayed up in my cousin’s room and avoided everyone. Then we ate. I had some carrots and a roll. Then watched a movie with my cousins. Thats about it. I did not speak to my father. didnt even go in the same room. so it was alright. It would have been so easy to purge when i was upstairs by myself- but i didnt!
Lisa- babe please try to stay in hospital and relax. i know it is hard but it is necessary to get better. stay strong xx
MissA- hows it goin babe? thanks for stayin up with me last night. <3
Brooke- how are you doing? how is emily? i hope you are both doing alright. thanks for the concern, im alright tho.
Sheridan- what is going on hun? whatever you are dealing with, we are all here for you. *hugs*
Mrs.B.- i am glad to hear your daughter is doing better atm. =] im sure she will continue to get better. you seem such a good mom.
kim- hey girl! havent heard from you in a while. how are you doing? i know you have been quite busy. have a good day
<3 sarah
So, I just wanted to give a quick update.. I haven’t been able to catch up on everyone, but I have to go to class here in a short while.
Basically I was by myself all the time except for when I slept and the one thing the whole group did together per day.. and it was the most amazing thing I have ever done. Just getting alone in some place that I didn’t know very well allowed me to really be free of distractions. It really helped me learn more about myself. How independent I really am. The scariest thing was just that. I realized that I wouldn’t have had fun if someone else came with me. I would have been annoyed, or maybe they wouldn’t have wanted to do the things I did. Maybe I was meant to live in solitude. Not alone, but in solitude. I know I’ll never be alone. I’ll have my coworkers, my classmates, you guys, my family and God. But maybe I was never meant to have a family. Or maybe I am just scared to have one and I am just saying this so I will convince myself that it is ok to live by yourself.
Anyway, I went to the Empire State Building, Ground Zero, basically all of Downtown Manhattan Island, Battery Park, the Museum of Modern Art, the Apple Store on fifth Ave. , Central Park, the Museum of Biblical Arts, and so much more. I have a ticket to see the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, but the line was FAR longer than I expected! It was like 2 miles long!! So, since I didn’t have enough time to do that, I found out that my ticket is actually good for 180 days! So, I might go back in the summer sometime to check out that and take more photos. I wasn’t able to take as many photos as I wanted because my camera failed to charge with the charger that I had. It doesn’t take normal batteries, either so that was a sad day on Sunday when I couldn’t take any photos. Being in New York and going to school in Columbus really helped me realize that I do want to work so badly in a big city. Maybe not live, I haven’t decided on that one yet, but definitely work.
Anyway..
I am going to class now. I have a presentation for Spanish about Diego Rivera (famous muralist). Then when I get back, I’ll jump back on here and catch up on everything and reply accordingly.
=]
Part of me is glad to be back, the other part is so upset and wants to be in the big city again. Oh well. *shrug*
-Michelle
Hi everybody
I cant stay long. I am currently not living at home and just stopped by while everyone is out to get a few things. Right now things have not been good family wise and I thought it was best to just leave. I am staying in one of my close friends studio apartment, so needless to say it’s a bit cramped lol. I had a huge fight with my mother over her drinking and how she treats my younger siblings and I thought it would be best to give us all some breathing time all I hope is I made the right decision. My younger brother is still at home by himself which I discovered today so I have phoned my eldest sister to come and take him while I’m gone. I do not trust my parents to look after him properly and he doesn’t deserve to be punished for my mistakes. I don’t know how long I will be there but until then take care everyone. I will miss you all and hopefully I will be back on before the end of the week. I love you all and hope things are going well for everyone. I have not read the comments above mine so I only hope everything has gone ok for you lisa and you are still in hospital where you need to be. Sarah I hope things were not too rough for you this weekend. MrsB, MissA I hope you both had a wonderful mothers day you deserve it. Nats hun I hope you are ok? Lisa, Michelle, Ts, Sheri, Kim I hope all of you are ok?
x x x x
Hiya all-
Michelle- really glad that ur trip went well, went to new york once and loved it! would go there again- what was the weather like? must of been real hot? its good you had some time to urself to do what ever you like, some time to think alone, how r u?
Sarah- so glad that ur family meal went ok, was thinking about you. hope ur ok. take care xx
Aisling- sorry to here that u had a fight with ur mum, hope thing turn out ok for u in the end, hope 2 see u bk on here soon hun, take care xx
Mrs B- glad to hear that ur daughter is doing ok. x
Emily is doing ok today- but she hasent eaten all day- but she has seemed happy and in a good mood, so thats one thing- she still has the tube in her stomach but the drs are saying that she should try and eat at least half a meal without the need of the tube and the rest can be thro the tube, but so far emily hasent done that, am a bit worried because she is starting to lose weight again, i think i may have to talk to her about this and persuade her to talk to her threapists a bit more.
by the way emily said that she talked to nats the other day- but she dident talk about whats happening really- but nats is back home. i really hope she is ok, and that she will post her soon to let us know she is ok.
Lisa– how are u hun?? have u stayed in the hospital?? i really hope u have, please let us no that u are ok, we r worried hun.
TS- where are u hun? how r u? havent seen u on here for a few days, really hope that u are doing okay. x
love ya all. take care
Brooke xx
Michelle,
I’m s city girl at heart, too. But my husband isn’t a big fan. i sneak off to Chicago when I can to get my “fix”. I just love all of the cultural opportunities.
Ais,
I think you made a good decision to get some “breathing room”. Sometimes it helps a lot. I know you are worried about your brother. I think you made a great decision for him too. I am so sorry that you are dealing with alcohol abuse in a parent. I can’t imagine how frightening that must be to have the one who is supposed to be responsible act so irresponsibly. Hugs. Be well.
Brooks,
I’m sorry that Emily continues to refuse to eat. What a horrible struggle this is for us all. My prayers are with you.
Everyone, I hope that you are all having a good day. Been a tough one here. I think that my daughter has decided that she will not be ready to live alone by the fall. It is hard to see her still unable to move forward, but she is making really conscientious decisions about her health and that is the most important thing. She says that she would like to commute from home. Of course, that’s fine with me.
Love,
Mrs. B.
Thank you everyone who wished me a happy mother’s day. It was nice to spend time with my boys.
Tomorrow I have my MRI. I’m really scared. I know chances are everything will turn out fine, but I’m still scared they will find something wrong. I’ve gotten this way every time I’ve had a scan done of my head, but I haven’t had an MRI in years. I can’t wait til it is over and I get the results. Maybe then I will be able to relax.
I’m struggling with a lot of stuff today.
I hope everyone else is having a good day.
MissA,
I have had about 5 abnormal paps, a big cyst on an ovary and about 20 breast lumps. I TOTALLY understand. It is expecially hard when you have little children. They depend on you so much.
I will say a prayer that you have a normal MRI. Good luck!
Mrs. B
Thanks Mrs. B. I guess I’m just feeling overwhelmed with all that is going on in my life right now.
I know what you mean about the abnormal paps. I had an abnormal pap about two years ago. The doctor’s office called and said “don’t worry about it, we’ll do another test in another year.” I couldn’t believe they expected me not to worry for a whole year. I was freaking out. Luckily, my next test came back okay.
Thanks for the prayer and understanding.
TS – Are u around hun??? r u ok?
Lisa xx
Miss A- i hope ur MIR scan goes ok, ur in my thoughts hun, Good Luck.xx
Brooke- im ok. How is Emily- sorry 2 hear that she is refusing to eat still- she needs some more help hun, maybe u culd persuade her to go bk 2 her threapists and tell them that she is not eating still…? how r u ?
hope ur all ok
Lisa xx
Hey guys,
Brooke- The weather was perfect. It was rainy Friday when we weren’t walking around and in business meetings. It was 70 and perfectly sunny on Saturday and Sunday when we had time to explore. =] I don’t think I have talked to you in quite awhile. I read that Emily wasn’t accepting food again? It’s probably really hard for her to accept that she can get better. As I was recovering, I really didn’t think it was possible that I was having more good days than bad.
Mrs. B- What a good idea! I want to live just outside the city and hopefully work in a city when I get out of college. Maybe somewhere around Portland, Maine. =]
I’m sorry to everyone else, but there just seemed to be so much going on since I left. I am catching up now, but before that, I’m just going to read much later. I really hope everyone is doing well.
MissA-Good luck on your MRI.. I understand how you would be scared to see the negative results. I hope that you won’t and that things work out for the best. =]
I’m starting to really have these mental effects effect my health. Over the weekend, I really didn’t have time to eat and it really just felt good to me. I was scared when I came back to campus because I knew I’d have time to eat again and so last night I actually purged my dinner and lunch because it was so much food. I had the WORST heart burn today. I think this is all because of the lack of sleep and stress on my part. I’m really trying to get everything together. I am looking around to see if there are any therapists in the area for over the summer, but I might even go back to the guy I saw once before for when my parents’ divorced. He is up just outside of my home town, so if I were to go home for that, I could visit at home and go to Cedar Point, too. I really am trying. Trust me. I realize that this is just a little set back. I really am having mixed views about my body again. I guess this is just another example of how self-recovery can go wrong so many more times than not. =\ I’ll fix everything though. I just keep having thoughts. I really try to not act upon them. But then people start talking about how they need to lose weight and how they are SO fat, etc etc.
UGH. I don’t know.
-Michelle
xoxo
I am sorry for the break on here. I have had some stuff to deal with at home. My boyfriend got hurt at work and not sure yet if he will keep his leg yet or not. It was getting better but now it is infected again and we have been to alot of doctors and hospitals lately. I haven’t had much time to get on here. Then we have graduation, and 4 birthdays and a few baby showers to go to! It has been a busy time!!!!!. I hope everyone is doing ok. I have missed everyone. Please don’t worry I am doing ok! Stay strong I am trying to too! Love you all so very much! Laura
Mrs B, did you get my e-mail?
-Sheri
Hi everyone
Wow alot has been going on lately huh!
MissA- I pray that your MRI goes well and that it comes back all clear. Ive had loads of MRIs too as I suffer from migraines too. Please let us know how you get on!
Sarah-my baby sister. I love you! You always have a way of making me smile even though all I wanna do is cry! Forget your dad babe, seems we were both cursed with horrible fathers. You just stay strong babe and just live your life how you want to live it. Forget everyone else, remember you! Love you babe
Mrs B- I hope you and your daughter are ok and coping alright, you are an amazing mother and friend who always looks after us all here and for that I am trully grateful.
Sheridan- hey babe welcme to ts! I was hopingyou would come over soon. Sorry I haven’t been around, been struggling alot at the moment. How are things with you babe? Your older sis has missed you!
Brooke- tell emily that I am ok and that she needs to get better so she can come see me! That’s what we promised so she needs to do it, tell her to be strong and that we are all here for her.
Michelle! Glad you had a great trip! Its a dream of mine to go to ny! Apprenly I’m supposed to be going there in September! We should arrange a massive meet there!
Maybe4me- I have missed you so much! I am glad your back! Send my love to your boyfriend and I hope he gets better soon!
Lisa- my friend, do you know how proud of you I am? Your strength is amazing, and even though you tried running, you saw that hospital is the place you need to be right now and that is a big step babe! Know that I’m here for you if you ever need me. Are you in the us or UK?
To everyone else, stay strong!! I love you all
TS
Hi all,
MissA, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you luck with your MRI and hope that what they find will lead to quick answers and resolution. I have had 8 MRI’s in my life and I think the worst part is waiting for results. I hope they find the cause of your pain and ways to cure it.
Maybe4me, I have missed you so much laura and have kept you in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriends accident. I hope they are able to do something to clear up the infection and save his leg. How scary that must be for the both of you. I love you very much!! Take care of you!! Keep us posted on you and your boyfriend. You will both be in my prayers!! love you, xxxkim
mrs b, I am so proud of your daughter to be honest and tell you she is not ready yet to live on her own. I am glad she can talk to you and knows her limits. Remember, progress not perfection. This may be the best decision for her. While in college and living in an apartment apart from other students, she could have easily isolated and allowed her ed to return to her life full force and begin to backslide. I am proud of her and you for giving her the opportunity to stay with you while she gains more recovery and strength. She is a fighter and survivor and that is great. You are always in my thoughts and prayers as is your entire family. Remember to take care of you too!! Have a great day! love you much, xxxkim
Shelly, I am so proud of you!! You continue to amaze me everyday with your strength and courage!! Keep taking care of you!! I love ya, xxxkim
as for me, I have been trying to work on my eating. I have put on a pound and trying to see that as progress but to be honest it is hard to see the number go up on the scale. I am needing to though and doing my best to do what I know is right and fight ed thoughts. Have a great day everyone!! Love you all, kim xxx
Good morning everyone or good afternoon depending on where you are. I am at school not doing my work. I am so sick of school by now. Thank god there are only 3 weeks left.
TS- I love you too! I am really hoping that you will have some really good days after those sucky ones. You are strong and you will get through this. i am always here for you. i keep playin the song over in my head. love you so much
Sheridan- are you doin alright hun? keepin you in my thoughts and hope you feel better. stay strong babe
Michelle- glad you had fun in NY =] i have never been that far away from ohio, but i hope to go one day. I am sorry you were struggling yesterday. but like you said, one little mistake. just keep on going, you can do this. i hope everything works out with the counselor
Aisling- babe i hope you are able to get on soon and let us know how you are doing. i think that some breathing space for a bit will be good. i also have an alcoholic parent so i know what it is like. i am sorry you are having to be the adult in your fam and looking after your brother. you are such a good big sister and im glad your bro has you to look out for him. take care of yourself hun.
lisa- still in hosp? i hope you are doing alright. have been thinking about you. stay strong
laura- i hope that your boyfriend is okay, that is such a scary thing. sounds like you are very busy. take time for yourself, ok? hang in there. have missed you
Brooke- i am glad emily seems to be in a better mood. hopefully she will begin to eat more on her own. i know that she has you and you wont give up on her and that is so good. im glad emily has you there.
MissA- hey babe. hows it going? i think we should have another cereal date sometime. that was really helpful. cannot believe i got through it. thanks for bein there. btw that vid was sooooo cute! =]
Kim, Katie, everyone else- how are you all?
wow that was long. well, an essay on modern arabian history awaits. I hope you all have a FABULOUS day =]
love you all so much
<3 Sarah
HEy all again!
Just posted something new that I found today! Its headed “Tequila and Salt” its not what you think it is, have a read and leave a comment to let me know what you think of it!
Love you all
TS
Heyy guys- hope ur all ok…
im still in the hospital sorry that i can’t write to much today- not feeling so great today…
TS- im in the UK babe, ur in the UK 2 right? thanks for being proud of me, glad that someone is- how r u? hope that ur doing ok, im trying 2 stay put in the hospital just until i feel stronger. xx
Laura- glad 2 see u back on here, u have been missed. x
Michelle- Glad that ur trip 2 new york went well.x hope ur doing well.x
Sarah- hun im still here in this place, hating it but im staying i think… how r u? x
Brooke- i really hope emily is ok 2day- missing her, hope 2 see her on here very soon- its gd that she is in a good mood- thats a good step- the nxt step is for her to start eating a little, im sure she will soon, give emily my love- take care brooke, x
TS-r u around? have u got a email address?
x
love ya all-
Lisa xx
Hi everyone. I had my MRI this morning. I should get the results back on Friday. I also called an attorney about my W/C hearing. Sorry for not taking the time to respond to everyone, but I’m not feeling well today.
Lisa, TS email is twisted.sstr@googlemail.com
I hope everyone is having a good day.
I’m reverting so hardcore.. it’s really scary.
I’m trying to eat a little maybe cup and a half of soup with bread.
I can’t stop thinking about everything that I used to think about before.
Why is this happening all of a sudden??
I mean, I wasn’t doing everything perfect yet, but I still was going pretty well..
and now I can’t go a day without purging at least once and having to force myself to eat.
GAH!
-Michelle
=[ my keeps asking me if I want to eat dinner with her..
why do I feel so ashamed again to eat?!
*my roomie
Hey guys-
So I’m majorly calling for support here.
I have to do something really hard tomorrow (Thursday)- something that is going to hurt like hell, but will prevent three lives from being ruined. (the hurt is emotional- not physical, I’m not doing something stupid, I’m actually acting upon an intelligent thought today)…
So please, please please- let me know you’re behind me, so that I won’t give in and give up again, okay?
I love you all- so much. Please, help me out, encourage me today, please.
Love, Sheri
yup.. just purged.
Sheri- we are behind u on this- if u think this is the right desion then of course we will be behind u all the way- we r here for u wenever u need us hun, take care, hope it goes all ok, let us know wen u can, xx
Michelle- i no its hard, but hun, please try and get some more help with ur purging, it sounds as tho u hav gone back to ur ED- maybe not as bad as last time hun, but i could go that way if u dnt get help soon, so please hun get some help from ur threapists , and of course we r all here 4 u, take care babe xx
Miss A- i hope that ur MRI results come back ok – i will be praying for u hun, xx
TS-Sarah-thanks for ur kind words about emily, i showed her the msgs and she is very touched- she says that ur all lovely on the “forum” and that as soon as she can she will be back on her talking to you all-xx
Lisa- so glad u are still in the hospital, it where u need 2 be at the moment, it will do alot of good in the long run- how r u doing 2day?
Laura-Mrs B- Kim – TS- Sarah-Shelly- how r u all?
love ya all
Brooke x x x
Hi Lisa,
Yes, the email address is twisted.sstr@googlemail.com.
Email me anytime, im always around
Hope your ok babe, you are doing great!
TS
TS,
Thank you for the encouraging post from yesterday. Those kinds of upbeat thoughts are always so very helpful. I am reading a book right now about Moses, which was written by Charles Swindoll that I am enjoying, too. I love to read my Bible, but sometimes a person who is more scholarly about the Bible telling me things that shed new light on what I am reading really bring things to life for me. Moses led a VERY interesting life.
My point with all of that is this. For whatever reason, we are all “at this place” for a reason. Sometimes it is hard to see the reason. But I see it through all of you guys.
From Emily, I see that although she is very ill, she still wants to go on. She continues to fight, and she has the love of a very steadfast mother beside her. I see the same thing in Nats. Although you are really sick, Nats, you continue to reach out. It goes to show us all that more than anything, loving one another MATTERS. It matters more than everything else. Jesus told us this. We just have a hard time believing it.
Michelle, you are a striver. Because of that, you will achieve great things. I know that. But I believe God wants you to take some time. Slow down. Feel his presence. Focus less on where you are going. Focus on where you are. Your roommate is reaching out to you. Perhaps she is lonely, too. BE there. Be PRESENT. Live in the moment.
Sheri,
You are a brave and courageous woman. We are all here behind you. I know that what you are experiencing now must be very difficult – or you would talk about it. Pray for strength and know that we are all praying with you.
MissA,
YOu are a model of motherhood – sacrificial, steadfast. I would love to see you find someone who would help carry your burdens with you. ARe you single? If you are, I would love to see you find a supportive church home. Do you have parents nearby who can help you? YOu carry a heavy load. I continue to pray that the medical community can come together and give you real help.
Sarah,
You are so young and smart. I feel like you carry such a large burden on your young shoulders. I am hopeful that someone will come into your life who will help you feel strong….a teacher, a friend, a counselor….someone who can lift your pain and help you see that there is life to live for you – outside of an ED.
Shelly,
You and Kim continue to inspire me. You show me that this battle is fought for a reason and young women can come out the other side. That the fight is messy and imperfect…and inspiring, nonetheless. I hope you both know that you help to give the rest of us courage. I hope that you will continue to be strong. I know that Jes can get better, because you both have gotten better.
Laura,
My heart grieves for you with what you are dealing with regarding your boyfriend. I hope that he is doing well, but it sounds like there is a big battle ahead of him. What happened? YOu have so much going on, I’m sure that you must be exhausted with all of this on top of everything else you are trying to accomplish.
Lisa,
You are doing so great. I know that the hospital is a very difficult environment, but sometimes it is the only place that is capable of treating you. Sometimes an ED can make you so physically sick, that the body rebels so that you MUST slow down. Take the time to heal your spirit while you heal your body.
Well off to a busy day at work. Jes and I were together all day yesterday. We had our “annual” exams with the GYN. Yuck. She is doing well. The back of her hands are healed completely – a sign that the purging is nearly gone – for now (Michelle, sometimes this comes and goes. It just does. Get back up. You can.) She is going to famly therapy with her old boyfriend on Friday to try to help him understand the disease better. She sees her former therapist this afternoon, who she has missed very much. On June 3rd, she starts her treatment for anxiety. Ladies. Take the time for treatment. It is more important than other things right now.
Well, everyone have a good day.
Love and Hugs to all.
Mrs. B.
Hello.
Today is, ummm turning out to be a difficult one for me. There is a lot going on. But tonight I will be home alone. I do not trust myself today though. So I dunno what I’m going to do. I am really just not feeling good. =/
Michelle- we chatted for a bit last night, but just wanted to remind you im not going anywhere ok. and it is okay to not always be okay. i pray that you wont struggle as much as you have the last few days. you are not a failure or anything like that. you can do this babe. stay strong. we are here for you.
Lisa- babe im so proud of you and im glad you are still in the hospital. continue to get better, you are doing great =] and i hope you are feeling better today. hang in there xx
MissA- babe i hope you are doing well today. hope your results come back good tomorrow and that they can help you feel better once they know what is going on. ily.
TS- how you doing today hun? thinkin bout you, hope you are alright. love you tons!
Brooke & Emily- how are you both doing? emily i am praying that you will find the strength to eat a bit on your own. i know you can do it girl! stay strong. =] will be glad when u can come on forum.
Sheridan- babe we are here for you. always. good luck babe. i am proud of u for staying strong and facing this. hang in there babe, i will really be praying for you. <3
Mrs.B.- That is so good that your daughter is doing well in her recovery. its so encouraging. i hope that therapy goes well for her. how are you doing with all of this? i hope you are alright. u are there for your daughter and all of us, take time for yourself ok. you seem such a good mom. take care
Aisling- I hope you are doing alright hun! your strength is incredible. am praying for you, hopefully you can get on here soon and let us know how u are doin.
kim- i am so proud of you =] keep on going. you are doing great. i hope you have a wonderful day. weekend is almost here!
I’m sorry i write so much. i will talk to you all later i suppose. stay strong everyone, hope you have a good day. you are all amazing
<3 Sarah
Hey Guys-
So today went better than I thought. I think I’ll actually learn how to be okay again…
Sarah- you stay strong too, okay?
Mrs. B- did you get my e-mail?
Just a thought for the day…
Everyone thinks the world of someone- and someone thinks the world of you…
~Sheri
Morning all,
Ok I am back! after quite a few days of me sitting around not moving out of my bed I now feel like poo but I got out of bed this morning so thats a good start right??!!
Sarah babe, you know how much you mean to me and I am always here for you.
I am doing ok, not great but not terrible either so I am in the middle, I wont lie. You need to just keep your chin up and take each day as it comes babe thats all you can do. I love you!!! xxx
Sheri – I know your struggling hun, I am glad your day went better than you thought, stay strong, you have had a slip up thats all and you just need to get back up again, I know you will do this, I know you have the strength to fight. I will keep you in my thoughts every day. love you too! xxx
Mrs. B – You are a couragous woman who has so much to offer. That post that you are talking about was sent to me and I think its nice to read it. So maybe we should all print it off and put it on our fridges!! ??? Thank you for all the support you bring to the blog.
Miss A – I hope you get clear results back today, I really am hoping and wishing that they come back clear. I have been for so many MRI’s and I know how scary it is waiting for the results, but just keep positive I know you will be fine! xxx
Lisa – How are you doing babe? I have been checking my emails to see if you have sent me anything. Please let me know how you are getting on. I am always here for you and I promised I would not leave you and I will not, EVER!! I am so proud of you for hanging in there, you are doing great!! Keep me posted on whats going on xxxx
Laura – Its good to have you back, I wondered what was up when you kind of disappeared for a bit. I am sorry that you are going through so much at the moment, if I can help in anyway I would, I hope you know and believe that. xxx
Michelle – you are possibly one of the most strongest people I know, you have this ability to see things a different sometimes clearer way than what alot of people do, and with that comes the power and confiction to carry on each day, you have so much strength inside of you and you need to use that but you also need to slow down babe, you need to take time for you. Just have a few days to yourself, get yourself grounded, then carry on. You have alot going on and I dont want to see you burn out from exhaustion. Please take some time for yourself. xxx
Aisling – You my friend, are doing great, you come here and just make me smile when I read your posts, and believe me when I say, its not very often I am smiling at the moment, so fair play to you for making this old grump smile!! well Im a grump, I wouldnt say I was old!
I know you have alot going on at the moment babe, and thats not good but I know you have it inside of you to carry on with your life for you and not look back on things you cannot change. I am sorry you had an argument with your mum, I have had more than 100 with mine too! And it is hard when we argue with our parents, especially when its simply because they do not understand. I hope that its all sorted soon so you can go home if that is what you want to do, if not then I hope it sorts itself out so you can be happy!
Kim – Babe although you dont like seeing the scale go up but there possibly isnt one of us that would like it! you are doing great and you just need to keep on going, you are a strong person and I know you will do great and you will carry on each day and do your best, thats all you can do babe. Keep us updated on how you are getting on.
I think thats everyone, seems that not everyone from the old forum has chosen to come over.
I hope your all ok.
Keep being strong and SMILE!!!
TS
Hi guys,
Sorry I haven’t been around much, i know you are all worried about me but I just needed some time is all. I tried to stop contact with everything in my life, I just shut myself away. I feel like crap and I just want to sleep all the time and not wake up, I know thats wrong and not good but its how I feel at the moment.
The thing is, im now feeling so low that I dont know what to do anymore.
And yes I know that if I dont sort myself out now I may die but yet thats still not enough to wake me up from this hell dream I seem to be in.
Please guys just keep going as much as you can because you guys are the only thing keeping me alive right now.
Love you all, you are all my family, so that means got about 4 mums, 4 sisters now!
Nats
aka Baby Girl
aka Depressed
Sheridan…I did NOT get your email. I’m SORRY! I have been so worried about you.
My email is debrockman@aol.com
Hiya all–
Its Emily! On Brookes- account coz i can’t get mine 2 work!
How are u all?
thanks for all ur kind words about me by the way, means alot 2 me, 2 no that u care.
Have really missed u all- as u all probaly no, i am out of hospital now, still on the tube, but doing a bit better.
How are u all doing?
Lisa-I hope u are well hun, and u are still in hospital fighting- let us no how u are, see u havent been on for a while, whats ur email address?
Laura- How r u hun? where u been lately? hope ur ok hun. x
Nats- it was nice talking 2 ya the other day, hope i cheered u up- how r u 2day? 2 weeks and the sex and the city movie is out!! cnt wait:). x
TS- how r u hun? shame ur not feeling well hun , hope ur feeling better now? .x
Mrs B- how are u? and how is ur daughter? hope all ok.x
Sarah- hun im ok- how r u? i no what u mean- by not trusting ur self wen ur home alone- i so dnt wen im alone, but u hav just got 2 tell urself 2 trust urself- it will be hard, but u hav the strength 2 trust urself, hope all goes well 2nite for u, and let us no how it goes hun, x
Miss A- how did ur scan go?? so worried about u hun, i really hope ur ok- i have my fingers crossed for u chic. x
Shelly-Kim-Michelle- how r u all?? hows ur day been?
omg yesterday was thunder and lighting for about 4 hours and im so scared of it and every time it happens im sick, coz its my worst phobia, it was awful, i dident sleep until gone 4am in the morning, im so tired now, i hope it doesnt happen again 2nite! were’s the sun gone?! i hate the cold:(
hope ur all well. talk soon
love Emily x-x-x
Hi guys-
I havent been around much to give support. I have been daling with a lot lately and many times I feel like giving up but I have chosen not to. Recovery is so hard and just when I thought I had it all under control..wham…I get hit with a lot of overwhelming thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I guess it will never be under control…such is life…I just have to roll with it and keep figuring out how the hell to deal with it all in a healthy way.
I havent read every post but I see a lot of people struggling. Just keep fighting eventually we will all be well.
hope everyone has a good weekend.
sg
Mrs. B-
I totally cancelled that dentist apointment
I figure I will just let my tooth fall out!!!
sg
Hi everyone. I just got a call from my doctor’s nurse. No results yet. The person who did the MRI said the doctor would have results today, now I have to wait til Monday at least.
I’ll try to catch up with everyone soon. I have to go out to dinner with a friend now. Ever wonder why every social situation revolves around food?
Just wanted to let everyone know no results. Stay strong everyone.
so, ages ago i said that some saturday i was going to have starbucks with a lady at my church who used to have an ED. well, that would be tomorrow morning. i am kind of nervous. my friends are having a food party tonight. wth?? who ever heard of a food party, where all you do is cook and eat. that does not even sound fun even if u dont have an ed. =/ kind of sad that they will all be hanging out and i wont be there.
tomorrow i am home alone all day. perhaps i will walk around the city all day. idk.
ts- glad that you are doing better hun. u r off to a good start, just keep on going. im here for u always sis. love you!
em- glad to see u on here! glad u r doing better. last night was alright. as soon as my fam left, i fell asleep! i havent slept in ages and i guess my body just couldnt function without sleep anymore lol. so it was all good.
shelly- glad to see u on here. sorry to see u are struggling atm- hang in there. you have so much strength and i know u can do it
missa- sorry u haven gotten ur mri results- have been praying they come back alright. i also wonder y social events always have to be over dinner or some other thing to do with food. sucks, but i guess thats just how it is. hang in there babe. ily
sheri- im so proud of you! so glad things went alright =] i was quite worried bout u.
<3 sarah
Shelly. Shelly. Shelly.
You DO NOT want to let your tooth fall out. Find yourself a sedation dentist. Take a teddy bear. If you don’t have one, send me your address and I’ll fix you up. It’ll be little. You can tuck it in your pocket. You have been to hell and back girl. This is a little bitty thing.
Sarah,
I AM THRILLED that you are getting together for coffee with the lady from your church! You talked about that so long ago I had forgotten. I think if you will allow it, this lady could be someone who could make a big difference in your life.
MissA
I am so bummed. I was really hoping that we would hear about your MRI. I hope that when you get your report Monday that you get good news. I hope they can help you find answers for your pain. You carry too heavy a load to hurt so much all the time. You never have spoken of parents or a husband. Do you have anyone in your life to help at all? You are such a great mom.
Laura,
I hope that your boyfriend is doing well.
Nats,
You are always on my mind. I hope you begin to experience some joy. I believe that joy is found in digging deeper into a relationship with Jesus. I wish I were closer to do some reading and study with you. In the meantime, I will pray. I know that Shelly has found some sustenance in some spiritual reading over the course of her recovery. I kind of wish you would look away from the external…the Bible puts it like this,”In the World, but not of the world”. You are your spirit, not your body. Seek within not outside. “Be still and know that I am God.” Be still. Study. Seek.
Emily,
How GREAT to hear from you! It has been cold and rainy here too. I miss the sun myself! I’ve had a bad cold and I’m looking forward to the sun. I’m glad you are feeling better. Keep working. You are so very special. Your mother loves you so much. And we all do too.
Jes has had an up and down week. She is doing great with her ED. She still fights the depression and anxiety, however. I read an article about fish oil and depression. Dr. Mrs. B. is prescribing fish oil to all of you. It’s supposed to be really good for mental health. I’m going to take it and I bought it for Jes. She said she had been reading about it, too.
I think that she and her ex-boyfriend are out on a “date” tonight and becoming a couple again. He’s a handsome and good kid. I’m happy for her. I do hope that they go to college together. She’s awfully young for a serious relationship, but after what she has been through, his stability is good for her. And he comes from a family that doesn’t have resources, so our family helps him, too. We’ve started him thinking about school and we could help him afford an education. All in all, it seems to be a relationship that works.
Well all, take your fish oil and know that I’m thinking about and praying for you all. Remember. Love one another.
Mrs. B.
Hey Mrs. B- thanks for the response, I was a little worried that maybe you were just ignoring it or something.
I have another challenge for y’all (yes, the Sheri of old has returned).
Monday, May 19th, I want each of you to:
a) encourage someone else
b) take the time to smile and find joy in the little things
c) write one good thing that has happened between now and then.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
btw- welcome back, Emz and Shelly!
anyone around??
morning ts. im here. whats up babe?
Nothing relly its just early and im bored and lonely!
how are you doing babe?
hehe it is early for me too. bout 2:15 am lol. im alright. i ended up hanging out with friends until about 12:40. mom was mad we came home late since my brother is working at 6 am. =P
tho it really isnt very late at all. oh well.
i ate a bit of salad so no one said anything about my eating. =]
how are you doin hun?
oh well done babe, I am glad you went, I think you would have regretted it in the end as you would have missed the chance to hang out with your mates xx and well done on eating something!
Im alright just feel tired all the time so sleep ALOT ha im so lazy xxx
well that is good that you are getting sleep =] i usually sit in the computer chair all day long. well besides school duh. so i guess that would make me lazy. u should fly over here and we can have a dance party! =P i am glad u r doing better babe =] keep on hangin in there.
yah i am glad i went too. i had a good time, and the food thing wasnt as big a deal as i thought. but thats just me, expecting the worst when it comes to food.
so what are you up to so early in the morning??
TOTALLY!! wicked that would be great a dance party! ill pack now!
WE all fear the worst when it comes to food babe, I know I do!
I have had some really bad dreams this week! and they wake me up at stupid o clock in the morning! so here I am xx
TOTALLY!! wicked that would be great a dance party! ill pack now!
WE all fear the worst when it comes to food babe, I know I do!
I have had some really bad dreams this week! and they wake me up at stupid o clock in the morning! so here I am xx
blegh bad dreams. was having those every night basically bout 2 weeks ago. not cool.
but hey, you are here talking to me =] so something good came from it. jk =P
i am still pretty nervous about going for starbucks with jen tomorrow. she is very nice. but i do not talk about ED with people other than you all on here. and it is not face to face. well, also i talk with my mother when i cannot avoid it. but yah, blegh nerves!!
its not a joke babe that is something good that has come from it!
Even though your nervous babe I think its a good thing to do because then you have someone in your life where you are who understands and could maybe help you. You want help though right? sorry just thought I would check xx
yes i really do want help i am trying my best to get better. i was struggling last week and a bit this week. but i really do want to recover and im workin on it.
i do think that she could be very helpful in recovery. she is older than me and she is recovered, and also knows what it is like and how i am feeling. i am just very unsure how to even start this convo. and how she will take it. and if she will tell. she is my youth pastor’s daughter and is married to another pastor. oh i hope she doesnt tell them.
Babe when you go there you will know straight away if this person is going to be the one that you let into your life with your ED, you will get an instant vibe from her, so just go with your instincts thats all.
I am glad you want help babe, its a step oin the right direction.
yeah, i suppose you are right. and no need to worry about it now. i still have nearly 8 hours til then.
hehe perhaps i should put my last post somewhere where i can see it. and so i can remind myself that i do want help. =P because quite often, i forget that. and my stupid ed brain thinks i would rather stay sick and to myself and not live a normal life.
well, it is about 3:15 in the morning. perhaps i should go to bed. g’night babe
ily!
<3 sarah
good night babe
let us know how it goes
sleep well
TS
xxxx
heyya!
TS did u get my Email hun, i wana talk 2 ya babe.x
Emily-Welcome back hun, nice 2 have u back around, hope u continue 2 be around on here- dnt forget we r all here 4 u.x
Miss A- shame that ur MRI results havent come bk yet chic, ur in my prayers, fingers crossed everything will be alrite. x
sorry cnt write much atm, am struggling a bit today- will write more on here soon , and il read the posts also, hope ur all ok. love ya all lots
lisa xx
im here Lisa, ill check email now babe and let you know.
I hope your ok today?
TS
xxx
2 be honest with u TS- im really not ok 2day- and ashamed of it, im so weak and pathetic. can we talk via email- thats if ur not busy?
lisa xx
yeah no probs babe I have just replied to you xxx
also babe dont be ashamed of your feelings, you cant help the way you feel ever so no point in trying to change it, its how we deal with our feelings that matters. I know its something that I struggle with too.
TS
xxxx
i just replyied by the way hun, thanks for emailing me hun, xx love u xx talk in a min xx
Hey guys! It’s Alex!
Sorry I haven’t been posting lately, i basicly just haven’t gotten around to doing it…I know, bad excuse ;P
Anyway, how is everyone?
TS;
How are you? And yeah, i saw your most recent post that said that alot of us had dissapeard. Well i’m still here! Been talkin alot to Sarah lately.
And if anyone has any news on Nats, please do tell me
An update on me, i’m doing okay. Alot of difficult things lately, but i’m okay. I’ve also just started my therapy lessons btw. Going on my next one on tuesday the 20′th. There are still alot of ups and downs, but i’m getting through it.
Lots of hugs from
Alex
alex,
Good to see you back!
How have you been? What have you been up to? Other than chatting to Sarah I mean.
I hope your ok
TS
My vote on the Twistsis identity…..well, I always like the “straight” scoop. That’s just me. I don’t see the benefit to Twistsis to hide her identity.
I thought the forum was gone! It has gotten so long that we’re on another page!
Alex….welcome back.
Sarah if you are on here before you see the lady who is recovered from her ED, ask her straight up not to talk about your meeting with other people. Tell her you are not ready for that. Someday maybe you will be. That’s pretty normal I think.
Mrs. B.
TS/N-
I have to admit I was a little pissed off when I found out who you really were which is why I havent been posting as much. It is like you are two different people and to me it doesnt make sense. But then again, an ED is a total different identity in and of itself. I think it would be awesomne if you could just find out and be who you really are. JUST BE REAL. you cant really begin the recovery process if you have all these different identities that you are trying to keeop up with.
shelly
s
so im guessing you all want to know how coffee went, huh? well, maybe not lol. if not, then you dont gotta read this =P
ummm, it was really freakin hard to open up. she was so very nice about it. but mostly she just kept talking about god. which i guess i should have seen coming, as she goes to my church. but, i didnt really want to talk about god. most of the stuff she said, ive heard it all before. so, in the end it wasnt really helpful. but she is really nice and she did tell me to call her any time. *shrugs* at least the tea was good.
Alex- what is up my friend?! im glad u made it over to ts forum. =]
Lisa- hope you are doin alright babe
mrs.b.- how are u doin today? sorry i did not read til after starbucks.
im gonna go respond to posts now
<3 sarah
Shelly,
Gritty good stuff as always. One of my greatest frustrations on this board is all the pretense. A good part of recovery is finding one good person who you can be honest with. More is good, one is essential. One good person who you can share all your crap with….everything you are afraid of, everything you are ashamed of, everything that cracks you up, everything you dream of.
Twistsis, you are not really real to anyone. And I don’t believe in the end that it hurts anyone but you. I see you writhe and twist in your recovery and not really get anywhere. Because in the end, you don’t really see the value in you just as you. In you as nothing more than a child of God. In part, because you don’t understand what is the value in being a child of God. Because you haven’t really taken the time to figure out what that means.
Part of recovery is in figuring out that nothing you have conditioned to believe in matters. Beauty, fame, fortune. None of it means anything. Alcohol, drugs, sex. All of those things are substitutions for reality.
What matters? Honesty, love in the agape sense, and seeking God.
Not much else matters.
So to get better…everyone….even me….
Be honest. Be real. Be there.
Ok guys well I’m baaaaaaaaacccccckkkkkkk =P
Well I decided to come back home because I have responsibilities and I can’t just abandon them. There are people that need me to protect them and it’s not fair to them if I just leave. My mam hasn’t changed I never expected her too I have grown up with her like that all I asked was she didn’t drink at home in front of the younger kids cause they have gone through enough and don’t deserve to see her like that. I don’t know maybe I was asking too much.
Saawaa
I missed you! Sorry to hear your lunch wasn’t what you hoped but you have her number so if your ever feeling absolutely down and there’s nobody to talk to you can always ring her
Ts I am used to arguing with my mum and especially my dad I have grown up with two people who don’t know how to be parents but there is nothing I can do. I also think that you should be honest on here and by concealing your identity you are only stopping your chances off truly being honest with this disease. You are amazing and shouldn’t have to hide behind anything
Nats hun you are amazing. I love you and will keep you in my thoughts
Emily its so good to hear from you
Great to see your doing better you deserve it 
Shelly I’m sorry to see you struggling you are an amazing person and have fought so hard just hang in there
Dr. MrsB I will look into getting some fish oil lol
Lisa hun take care
MissA I will pray that your results come back perfect
Ok I think I have gone on long enough. I am always writing these big mad long comments I think there should be some limit. I cant be taking over with every post I write lol. Anyway take care everyone and remember don’t take life too serious nobody gets out alive! Love you all
xxxxxxxxxxxx
omg i didnt realise i had that many smiley face yokymabobs =P
Aisling!!! babe you are back, i have missed you tons!
and i like all the smiley faces =D
you always make me smile and put me in a good mood you know that??
take care of yourself babe
<3
Yes well are plan must be working then me + you will conquer everyone and make them show there little pearly whites and soon the whole world will be smiling =P
hehe love you:)
xxxxx
haha. i love it. its like we were talking about world domination, but actually i guess kind of dominating in the sense we are trying to make everyone smile! mwahahaha =P
lalala. i am home alone. normally i would be thinking about purging or otherwise something not good. but right now im actually in a very good mood =] and just chatting with people on yahoo and stuff and of course listenin to music
ily2×10000000
<3
lol well we shall make a pact to try and say at least one funny thing a day to bring a smile to peoples faces =P
=D yes i am currently chatting to you on yahoo =P and here thats like multitasking ooo i’m super cool lol
ily all the way to the moon and back lol
xxxxx
lol i love it!
yes you are def super cool =P
hehe i love talking to you, you make me laugh =D
it is midnight over there, huh? go to bed crazy! lol
<3
Hello Everyone!
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers, they are working! My boyfriends leg is getting better and they are sure he is going to be ok now. I am sorry I haven’t been here as much as I would like to be. I have missed all of you and thank you for thinking of me! You all mean the world to me and I hope all is going well for each of you today. I am praying for you all too! I love you and always remember this! Laura
Short and to the point:
I love you all. What’s going to happen is NOT your fault. Keep your heads up- you can all do this.
I pray each and every one of you finds success over this issue of eating.
“The time has come
to bid a fond farewell
to a world, left behind…”
So much depends
upon
a whispy white trail
in a blue sky
So much depends
upon
a wilted purple flower
in a concrete jungle
So much depends
upon
the baked casserole
on a white plate
So much depends
upon
every step you take
on the road to recovery…
Love, Sheri
sheri are you there babe? Are you ok? I am worried, please let me know you are ok
TS
heyya all-
im stil in the hospital at the moment and hating it- today i have a operation to sew a tube in my stomach- really scared- i dont want them having control of me. im feeling so worthless right now, i dont want to be here anymore, whats the point anyway? know one wants me here, so in that case is there any point in being alive???
Sarah- glad that ur meeting with that lady went ok, even if it wasent very helpful at all. hope ur doing ok hun. take care of urself x
Alex- Welcome back hun, how are u doing? glad u are having threapy now, it will never be straight forwards but it will help u hun. good luck with it on tuesday hun, let us no how it goes.x
Aisling- glad 2 see u back on here, we have missed u- what u was asking of ur mum was not to much, she is ur mum she should of listened to you, if she doesent do it then thats on her own back when she gets ill from her drinking. how are u doing hun? x
Laura- so glad that things seem to be looking up for u,glad that ur boyfriend is going to be ok, that must be a huge relief for u hun, we have missed u alot on here and glad 2 see u back on here hun. x
Sheri- whats up hun? are u ok? that post u wrote really worried me- are u around at the moment? please let us know that u are ok hun. x
Emily and Brooke- glad 2 see that u are back emily- how are u? are u eating better now at all? are u still getting out paitent help at all? brooke how are u hun? just thought id say that ur a amazing mother to stand by emily all this time- you must be a very strong and dertiminded person to help emily. your a good role model to us on here hun, hope u and emily are both ok, hope 2 see ya both on here soon, x
shelly- glad 2 see u back on here hun, sorry to hear that u are struggling at the moment, we have been worried about u on here as u hadenet been around very much, if u ever want to talk them email me or just talk 2 me on here- il put my email address at the end of this post- take care hun, let us know how u are soon, x
Nats- how r u? i really hope that ur well, so worried about u still- let us know that u are ok. x
TS- how are u 2day hun? sorry i havent txted u my number yet, i havent got my phone at the hospital at the moment, its at home- as soon as i get it back and as soon as my mum finds the charger for me i will txt u my number. i will be on google talk for a while longer- may talk 2 u on there if u are on there, talk soon x
sorry if i missed anyone out i will write on here later or 2morow- i have my op in 4 hours time and so so scared, i dont want a tube in me , i want to be free and to eat as little or as much as i wont, i hate people controling me, it makes me so angry and fustrated, everyone keeps on saying its for the best- it would be for the best if they just left me alone to save myself, i dont need them, i need to do this alone, you guys help me more than they do, thank you all so much for the support u are all giving me, means so much to me.
if anyone wants to talk via email then u can email me anytime- its: lisaoxo@hotmail.co.uk or oxlisaox@googlemail.com.
hope ur all ok, keep fighting- love ya all,
Lisa xx
Sheri, you are such a strong woman. Your last post was worrisome. I do hope you are okay.
Lisa, I hope your operation goes well. I can understand your not wanting them to be able to control you, but they are trying to help you hun. They really do have your best interests at heart.
Sarah, I’m glad your coffee with the lady from church went okay, even though it didn’t go as you had hoped. You tried to reach out to someone and that is a positive thing. You should be proud of yourself. I know I am proud of you. You have so much pressure on your young shoulders. I worry about you. Take care of yourself and get some rest. I hope to chat with you soon.
Emily, It is good to see you back on here. You are very lucky to have a mother like Brooke.
Mrs. B, thank you for the kind words you have left for me on here. They brought tears to my eyes. I plan on posting on the “I want to know” post more about myself which will answer some of your questions.
Laura, I am glad to hear your boyfriend is going to be okay. I will keep you both in my thoughts.
Aisling, glad you are back hun. I’m sorry your mom won’t listen to you. Your siblings are lucky to have you.
Shelly, glad to see you back here. I hope your weekend is going good.
Nats, how are you babe?
I’m sure this post is really long. Sorry, I’ve had a busy weekend and am trying to get caught up on everything. I cancelled my dinner plans with my friend because my son got sick. He’s okay now. Yesterday we had a baseball game in the morning, a birthday party after the game, and then preschool graduation after the party. Needless to say, I am quite exhausted today. I have a lot of cleaning waiting for me and dinner later at my dad’s house. Is it nap time yet?
Sorry if I missed anyone. I hope you are all okay, and are having a good day.
Everyone, I spoke a bit to Sheri’s sister this morning.
Last night Sheridan tried to commit suicide. She has been admitted to the psychiatric ward of the hospital, and is required to stay there for 30 days.
I am so very sorry.
<3
oh my god! Sheri!
I was hoping Sheri would be okay. I do hope she will be alright.
Nats, I’m sorry you are struggling. Keep fighting. You are strong and you can get better. You are very loved on here, always remember that.
hey all. mrs. b, i read your email and then came to see if i could get on to this site and could. I read your posts above so realize there must have been a glitch.
as for ts, i agree with shelly and mrs. b. when i found out who ts was i didnt think she should have this added pressure of this forum, let alone the blog. i feel it should be someone who has some length of recovery behind them and i dont see ts as having recovery or even wanting it at all at times. it is not even about wanting it it is more about doing what it takes to get it. recovery will not just happen you have to take steps and do the work to get it. i have not been on as much either due to there being more people writing about their struggles (which is in itself not negative) but then doing nothing to move beyond them. i think it is great to share our successes, failures and attempts, but we have to decide that we want recovery and do everything in our power to get it. this is not easy but it is so worth it. shelly and i have talked about never wanting to live an ed life and are working hard to work our recovery. i hope you are all open, honest and willing to admit if you are ready to work for recovery or just stay a victim. i know it does not feel like it at times, but it first takes that choice/decision and then the real work begins. i have come to consider you friends and feel very close to some of you but i have to set healthy boundaries for myself and my recovery and i hope you all do the same. i miss when we shared what we were grateful for. and why not focus on what we do to strengthen our recovery. what steps are you willing to take. i am taking mine and i am prouder and happier then i have been in a very long time. i agree with mrs. b and the effects starvation has on our bodies and our minds. it has taken me awhile to get my thinking back to normal and i know i do not ever want to go back to my anorexic life and the daily death sentence that i was leading – i was not happy but i am becoming happy and it is so worth it.
shelly, mrs. b and laura, thanks for all of your support, encouragement, love and inspiration it has made the difference.
laura, i am glad your boyfriend is getting well and his leg was saved. i think about you often and am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
nats, lose the ts and be you. find your voice and your strength and be willing to reach out and get professional help or this disease will take your life. it is your choice, i hope you choice life.
love you all, xxxkim
chose.
is anyone around at the moment??
oh my god sheri hun, im so sorry 2 hear that things was that bad for u 2 try and kill urself- ur in my thoughts hun- we are all worried about u and want u 2 be ok, take care hun.x
i had the tube put into my stomach this afternoon- it is really painful at the moment im hoping i wont have to much put in it, i don’t want to have to purge thro it- but if they do put lots of food thro it i will have to purge thro it- at least that way they wont be in control, i will be- i dont want to gain weight im already hideous. im hoping if i drink lots at weigh in they will think im not purging thro the tube and attually leaving it alone, the water trick always seems to work- except a few occasions when they guess- but i will find a way to get lots a water into me, i need this tube out of me quick, i want my control back, i want to get out of here. i feel so trapped in here, feel as tho im a child again, being told what to do and what to eat and when, i hate it, i want to have some say in what and when i eat. i must say recovery is harder than i thought it was going to be, even tho it seems as tho im not even in recovery at all at the moment, it feels as tho im slipping deeping into my anorexia, i just want to be normal, to be accepted, to be like other people my age and to not care about eating and to like myself- i dont want to hate myself anymore- i wish i could just love myself for who i am, but who can love me? My life is full of lies and people tricking me. If they lie to me, it just makes it easier for me to lie to them and tell them I’ve eaten when I haven’t. Each time they trick me, it gives Anna a reason to stop me eating.
Im scared that having the tube in me means im losing anorexi.And while part of me wants that, the other part is terrified.I’m scared that if I lose the voice completely I’ll become fat again. Also, it sounds stupid, but I don’t know who I am or who I’ll be without it. o how i hate this…….
hope ur all ok.
lisa xx
mrs. b, i will try to find information to read up on the fish oil. i do remember reading something before on its benefits. i may get some next month when i actually have a paycheck.
ok let me just get this out there because quite frankly I’m sitting here reading what you have all written and its making me slightly pissed off
Let’s get one thing straight ok I took on this forum for everyone here, not just for me, when mamaV said she was closing her forum down there was a panic from various people, and also if I remember correctly people who write on this forum put my name out there to be used for a new place for the forum!!!
I agreed yes, I maybe going through shit and I might have two identities but the fact remains I took on this forum so you would all have a place to go once mamaV closed hers down!
I hate being the ways am and you are all sitting there telling me that I should be doing one thing or another to make myself better in ways, ERM shouldn’t that be my choice? Regardless of whether or not you all feel I am able to make that choice or not is quite frankly irrelevant, I need to make those choices myself and in my own time, yes I am fully aware of the fact that i may die before I finally make that choice, and yes I know you are all saying these things because you care but you all need to understand where I am coming from and why I did take on this forum!
I did it for you guys and now I feel like I shouldn’t have done it, yet why should I not have done? Because I’m not “recovered”? Ok fair comment but in my experience with my ed, I wouldn’t give a damn if the person telling me to do somthing or making suggestions was recovered or not, the ed speaks and I listen, noone can over ride that but me, not someone who has recovered not someone who hasn’t not even my family. The ed speaks and I listen so what difference does it make if I am doing the forum or not? You guys may think its too much for me to take on, but again that was choice to do so and I know its a responsibility to do it and yeah sometimes it can be hard work but I like doing it because I know its keeping everyone together!
Sorry for rant but its what’s in my head right now
Also so everyone can know from now on……….. I twistedSISTER am also known to all of you as NATS
hey nats, i actually logged back on to apologize for my post sounding so “better than” as that was not my intent. i am worried about you though. i think you need more help and just wish you would get it. i was not ever angry at you for opening the forum here but didnt quite understand why we could not continue to post on mamavision since she was not there much anyway. i didnt want you to feel any extra burden. anyway, please dont take what i said as a negative. i want you to get some help, recovery is worth it. i want it for everyone here. i love you guys. just think about it. you are right it is your choice. but i love ya.
Wow, I am at a loss for words. I don’t know what to say after reading all of this. I keep starting to type stuff, then I delete it. I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I will stay or if I will go. I’m not sure of how I feel right now.
Good post kim-
For me I dont care if it is a choice a person makes on how they live, but if they make the CHOICE then they should be prepared to live with the consequences of their actions. And I know a lot of people come here for support but I see a lot of people throwing out a lot of advice but rarely, if ever, taking their own damn advice. How is anyone supposed to take anything seriously. that is just the part that bugs me.
Lisa-at the end of your post you say you want to be normal, accepted like everyone else, but at the beggining of the post you will go so as saying you will purge through your tube and mess up your way in. It makes no sense. Noone is normal and no one is always accepted. it doesnt just happen to people and neither does recovery. yeah it sucks. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming and intense that it seems like it impossible. We all just have to push through.
anyway, Im out. i hope everyone can find recovery if they want it. it is out there, but it is a choice whether or not you truly try for it.
sg
I wish I knew how to be me.
Update on Sheri:
She is in the hospital, on both an IV drip and tube feedings, she will not respond to the nurses, and is restricted to bed right now. She asked me why they couldn’t just let her die. I told her because I loved her. She said nobody else did- I hope you all don’t mind, but I told her that you guys loved her too. I will not be able to visit her again until she responds to something, as well as putting on weight. Even though I knew about her eating disorder- I didn’t notice the amount of weight she had dropped. She was 89 pounds. That is almost twenty less than what she was telling me.
Guys- can you send along some words of encouragement that I can send to Sheri as soon as she is allowed to receive mail?
I hope you all had an okay day…
Michelle- being you is something only you can do. As long as you are not pretending- you are you. Just hang in there, okay?
Yours, Stephanie
Shelly,
You said in a post to me that you knew that an “ed is a total different identitity in and of itself”, so why are you saying that stuff to Lisa when you know that one half of what she is saying is more than likely come from her ed rather than herself.
People may give out advice and rarely take their own but we are ALL guilty of that, you, me, everybody! but we are there for eachother and it their choice is people listen to what advice they are given! Not ours.
Basically I am saying now that this all has to stop! we all need to stop right now! WE are all arguing over one thing and thats just ridiculous! I asked one question which was should I tell everyone who I am. And now it is turned into something much larger.
I am sorry you are out Shelly but thats your choice and I respect it.
Everyone else, if you want to leave or stay is your choice and I respect that too.
Just let me know what you all want to do here, if you want me to close the forum i will.
I have tried so hard to make this a place for you all to come to and its basically now being thrown in my face, if that is going to carry on then I will just shut it down, at the end of the day again I will repeat, I TOOK ON THIS FORUM FOR YOU ALL!! and if you dont want it anymore then just say so.
TS aka Nats
Sheri babe.
I know you are not happy and I know you are struggling but please just remember how much I love you and how much everyone here loves you!
I do know how you feel, I am going through all those thoughts too, and I know its hard to go through it.
Keep your chin up babe and know that I am here when you are ready to come back.
We miss you!
Love you lots
TS aka Nats
this is the last thing I am going to say about this. I am not trying to start a fight or anything I think it is just because I am so sad for many people on here. I really do worry and I get sad. Like you nats, when I read you had a heart attack I was in complete shock…I felt so helpless and worried. And sheri-damn. It makes me physically sick with worry for her. I just know you guys write about lonliness and I think dyinng from an ED and suicide are possibly the too most lonely deaths possible. Only those who have been through it now the despair and isolation one feels being trapped in that deep dar place of their mind.
Nats, I dont think you should tae the forum down. Why would I get so pissed and frustrated at some people on here if I didnt care? I asked myself that last night. why do I let this effect me? Because I see some really strong people who are sick and I want so much more for them. I believe in them when they dont believe in myself. I think also, a lot of people experienced frustration with me and now I feel it to.
I now ED is a identity but everyone who remains stuck is making the choice to listen to that identity. ED’s are not choices, but staying sick is. I couldnt see that until I was in recovery because I believed it was something I didnt have control over.
Sheri-please hang in.
I think this forum is needed for people to vent. I am sorry for getting so frustrated and snippy. i just see potential in a lot of people on here.
hope everyone has a good day/
shelly
I was going to say something..
but I think you’d all get mad at me and I think it might trigger some pretty serious thoughts. Therefore, I will keep it to myself.
Sheri- I hope that you find peace.. in whatever you do. I just hope that maybe, just maybe you’d find something that will allow you to move forward. I hope that you’ll listen to the doctors because they know more than any of us combined. I hope that you’ll also help yourself.
Nats- I think it’s weird that you were TS all along. But, I mean whatever floats your boat. I created a new identity on this one website before so that others wouldn’t know it was me. No one cared though, so it never mattered if I said it was me or not. We care about you. Well, I do. I’m glad you were brought into my life. I really hope that you find peace, as well. You really deserve it. I think you’re kind of like me. We both really want to help everyone else, but aren’t willing to help ourselves.
I can deal with me slowly dying.. but if you are, too.. that doesn’t make this world very fun, does it.
Sheri,
You are so beautiful, sensitive and strong. You know that there is not a woman on this forum who doesn’t feel so strongly about you that your frightening message stopped our hearts. Each and every one of us, I am sure. Know that you are loved, and not just by us – the weak and imperfect women that we are – but by your Creator – the one who gave you life and will give you the power to heal. How can anyone see a wound heal and not KNOW that there is a God who designed our flesh and blood.
And Nats. Your strength is astonishing. For the punishment you have put your body through, the fact that you are still alive at all is a feat I marvel at. God must surely have plans for you, or you would not still be here. But you have to ask yourself. What are you getting from being sick? Why do you hold fast to it? The possibilities of life are enormous. I have lived through molestation, abortion, the illness of my husband, the near loss of my son. The rape of my daughter and her subsequent illness. And life is worth it. It gets tough sometimes. And what we have to hold onto is eachother. Loving one another is worth it. For the reason you come to this Board….clinging to one another, and helping one another experience the love of God. It’s worth it. You know it is worth it. You give out healing strength. Accept it.
Michelle,
I read your post about who you are. You are in the same “performance” place my daughter was in, and are about the same age. Know one thing. People your age are at a weak point. MOST of you are striving rather than being. It is the nature of that time of life. I don’t know if this will make sense to you, but try to connect to someone for real. You are a strong young woman. You have gone LONG periods of time not purging. You will be able to find recovery if you will allow for a real connection with someone. I hear you talk about a lack of trust toward people often. That is the only thing I see that is missing in your life. Sometimes you let your father in, and then I see your heart lift. Let people in. I believe that alone could help make you well.
Kim/Shelly,
As you guys continue to fight for your recovery and your lives, think to where you were at your sickest and remember how far you have come and remember that you NEVER want to return to that point. Remember that ED is a lying bastard. The images you see in the media and in magazines are promoted by lying bastards. The people you see in those pictures rae miserable. They are not happy. I threw away an Urban Outfitters catalog in a RAGE this past weekend. Every model looked sick. The phony poses they were in were a joke. None of those girls can get out of bed on a bad day. I’ll bet that more than 1/2 of them had an ED. Who the HELL thinks that this is how our girls should live?? Afraid and sick? Screw that. You were made for love and for life. Pain and fear are part of it. Face it. Press on. If you seek God, he’ll help you through. ED won’t. He’ll keep you cowering in the corner. You both are past that point. Keep pressing. Keep feeling hope.
MissA….haven’t heard about your MRI yet? YOu have been heavily in my thoughts. I think some physical healing (and some sunshine, your boys and FISHOIL!!!
will give you hope. YOu are strong.
Ais, You are young. Fight now. This disease gets nothing but harder. You are incredibly strong for your age. You are smart,tough and reponsible. You like to read. Seek those places where others have found strength. I believe that strength comes through your creator. Perhaps if you look there, you will find it.
Lisa,
I think that Shelly’s post to you is powerful. Please reread it. Decide. Don’t let ED decide for you. Search yourself for YOUR decision.
I hope that my post did not make anyone feel pointed at or accused. There is just a piece of all of you that knows there is only one choice. Only one. None of you here would consciously allow you to do this to anyone else. You know that it is wrong to do it to yourselves.
Love to everyone.
Mrs. B.
Mrs. B, I haven’t heard any news yet. Hopefully tomorrow. I would get some sunshine, if only the sun would shine. I have taken fish oil before, but it caused me to belch a lot and I hate the taste of fish. I promise, however, to look into finding a different kind just for you. And me. Thank you for the messages you have been leaving. They mean a lot to me.
Sarah, I hope you are okay today.
Nats, stay strong. I love you.
Sheri’s will broke today- her therapist (who was on vacation, seeing as it is a holiday) came to visit her, and I guess Sheri just cried and cried and cried, and talked about everything she had been hiding. The two of them were together for almost three hours this afternoon.
Sheri is submitting an application to an eating disorder treatment center here in the city and if she can get on there, she will be leaving the hospital in a few days to a week.
They called me to go see her this afternoon, and she asked me to apologize to all of you.
This is what she said:
“Guys, I need to take my own advice. I’m good at giving it, and supporting other people- but I need to accept support for myself and follow my own advice. I’m sorry for what I did guys, and I hope you can forgive me. I’m gonna get better- ALL the way better. No secrets this time. I love you ALL so much. Love, Sheri”
Well- I guess we shall see what happens. I love my sister, and I need to make sure I’m healthy enough to help her too.
~Steph
MissA….LOL. The brand I bought is by Nature’s Way. It is called Fisol. I think it came in two sizes and I think I have the smaller size cuz the big ones were ginormous. I don’t taste a fish taste at all.
Not having a good day today. I don’t want to bring others down by being negative, so I won’t post all that is going on. I mostly feel overwhelmed. The slightest thing like going to the post office just seems overwhelming.
I haven’t heard from the doctor yet. If I don’t hear anything in the next few hours, I will call this afternoon. I’m also going to make an appointment to discuss other things. Like the way I’m feeling.
Since everyone seems to miss when we posted positive things for the day, I’m going to start again. So my positive for the day is I went to the store and bought fish oil supplements. I also bought vitamins and calcium supplements.
MissA,
I LOVED your positive. I may be imagining thing, but I feel a surge of mental energy these days….maybe it’s the fish oil. Maybe it’s just that I am recovering from my sinus infection!
Either way, I’m LOVING it!
My positive for the day….I feel energized and POSITIVE!! Jes is doing really well. She avoids what hurts her and stays close to what works for her. It’s all good, as they say.
Hugs to everyone.
Mrs. B.
Hi MissA, im sorry you haven’t heard back yet,I do hope you do so soon. Mine always took a while to come back too!
My positive today: I dyed my hair!!! It looking quite funky I must say!
Well hello everyone
I am still in a good mood lol My little bro is getting an award of excellence tonight at school. i’m so proud of him
The poor little guy has gone through so much he deserves to be rewarded so yep i’ll be sitting in a school hall tonight for like 3 hours when i should be studying for a big test tomorrow but what can you do if i dont go there’ll be nobody there for him and he dont deserve it. So i might take a friend along with me.
Nats hun i think i always knew you were ts it just didn’t click until you said it but i think either way you are amazin and yes nobody can make descions for you they can only guide you and if you choose not to take the advice then people will still give it to you just remember you are amazing
What the ahir turn out like =P
MrsB you are as always just such a wonderful person. You are so kind and always seem to find the best in people. Yes I am young but I have experienced a lot of life’s lessons too early and have had to grow up a lot more then others my age I don’t think I would call it being tough or responsible I think its just surviving. I have had troubles with religion throughout my life especially the way the local church have treated my family and I know I cant judge the actions of one church on a whole religion but in Ireland there is a lot of controversy surrounding the catholic church and My family have been directly effected. I guess I cannot in my head separate the church from god so I am having trouble finding a path to follow.
MissA You are such a strong person and hopefully your scan will come back a okay
Sarah
how is my partner in crime? Haven’t heard from you in a while I hope your simply spiffing?
Everyone else I hope you all are good???
My positive for the day would be it was probably the first day I went to school with everything done and managed to concentrate and could actually sit down with absolutely no pain from bruises or injuries so yes today was defo a good day
Love you all
Ais x x x
Remember “Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.”
again with the smiley faces i really should stop using them!
xxxxx
hehe but Aisling the smiley faces are good! it is all for the cause of our devious plan =P i am glad you are having a good day. i think that even just reading when people are being so positive on here, it helps put me in a more positive, happy mood
i got an award at school last night. i had to go up on stage. and i have really bad anxiety bout stuff like that. the second i walked off stage, i left. forgot my brother was there lol. i was too focused on not fainting or crying or something. ah well.
Steph- hola. how are you doin today hun? i hope u are alright. thanks for passing on my message. it was nice to chat with you
MissA- i promise i WILL write today. lol. have not the last couple days. but i am not busy now, so as soon as i am done with this, k? i hope you have a better day hun. take care of yourself <3
TS- what color is your hair then?? i wanna see it =P hope u r having a good day. love you!
Mrs.B.- got your email. tho i was reading it at school so i did not have proper time to respond. and im also gonna check out those links and see what this fish oil stuff is. hope you have a good day
i had a complete suckish night erm sunday night. but im okay now. sooo, yah its okay. I am in a good mood today. i am just very sleeeepy.
<333333
Sarah,
Glad you are feeling better.
Congrats on your award! I agree. I like smileys, too.
Sassy Sistah Nats (A new name for you!)
What color is your hair? I’m sure my hair is gray somewhere under the blonde. But nobody will EVER see that! Unless I get alzheimers and can no longer dye it for me!
I hope that Jes will take pity on me then and keep my hair dyed!!
hey all!
Sarah my baby sis I love you and I’m so proud of you!!
Sorry I haven’t been online got stuff going on at moment the joy!! But I’m back and more twisted than ever with my new PURPLE hair! Yes purple! Hey I got bored ok?? Haha
Aisling I love you hunny!
MissA I hope you hear back soon babe xxxxx
Mrs b. I like my new name another to add to list
Ok here goes let’s see if I can get them all
Love
Ts
aka nats
aka sassy
aka baby girl
aka snow white
Am I missing any??
No more snow white for you sistah. You are Punk Purple, baby!
I’m sitting here waiting
I dont know why
I dont know who is coming
I’m not sure I want them to come
I dont know if anyone will ever come
Natalie?
I’m here, are you?
why the hell did i let this happen. now i just feel even more empty. ,,,,,,,
Hearts breaking everywhere…
My God, is there hope for us yet??
… Yes. There is hope.
heyya guys!
how r ya all?
sarah- hun r u ok? wat did u let happen hun? hope ur ok, x
miss A- hav u heard anythink back from ur mri scans yet? hope all is well wid that hun. x let us no wen u can hun. we worry about u x
im feeling really strange 2day, my moods have been up and down all day, one time im fine and talking 2 people, and the next im in a bad mood and not talking to anyone and feeling really low, i duno wats happening with me, i usallay get bad mood swings but not normally this bad- its so annoying- does anyone else get this? is it anything 2 worry about? i feel like im 2 different people, just trapped in one body, like they are sharing my body and arguing with each other, i must sound a complete freak saying this!!!
hope uve all had a good day, and that ur ok,
love u guys lots
lisa xx
Just got back my results. Both MRI and MRA are normal! Can’t tell you what a relief that is.
Nats, hope you are okay. I sent you an email.
Lisa, have you talked to your doctors about your mood swings?
Hope every one is having a good day.
Miss A- that is fantstic news hun, so so pleased 4 u, u must be really pleased as well.
no i havent talked 2 the drs about my mood swings yet, do u think i should? what could it be then?
Nats- were r u hun?? i really hope ur ok x
lisa xx
MissA yay that is fabolous news:D
Sarah sweetie i hope you are ok
Lisa hun i get ,ood swings when i fast for long periods of time but i think like missA said you should talk to your doctor bout it
Nats chicks i hope you are ok. Purple sounds deadly
I want a pic lol 
Well i spent all night last night bored out of my tree listening to numerous amounts of people get awards. My little bro just walked on stage got it and walked off. So the rest of the time i was watching strangers kids get awards but it was worth it after my little bro ran up afterwards and gave me a big hug and said thanks for being there. He made me cry in front of everyone lol =P
Ais x x x
“Don’t try to blend in when you’re born to stand out”
Ais,
That was so sweet to go for your brother. You got a taste of parenthood. I can’t tell you how many nights I spent like that
It is so important to your kids.
Well, today was a happy day.
I had a long talk with Jes’s boyfriend about the things that she needs to take care of. He’s so good about getting her to move forward on things and she got several of her appts. set up. Yea.
This afternoon Jes called me and said that she wants to stay with her boyfriend and his roommates this fall. A year ago, I would have hated that idea, but this young man has just proven himself over and over as having the kind of character that I would have dreamed my daughter to find. In his words, “It’s not a big thing, I’m just looking after her.” He’s forgiven her all kinds of terrible things. He’s just there. He’s honest and gentle and strong all in one. Their house is new and in a nice neighborhood close to campus. It’s good and it will be inexpensive.
So he watches over Jes and we’re going to help him get an education. Somehow I feel like God always makes a way.
Jes got a call today from the Pet Hotel asking her to call them right away because she looked like a great candidate. It remains to be seen whether she will be able to really deal with a job yet, but it made her happy that they were so excited about meeting with her.
So today was a good day.
I hope some of you had good days.
Sheri, I’m thinking about you.
Everyone else, too.
Nats….Are you rockin the new hair?
Take Care.
Mrs. B.
anyone here?
Mrs. B, I am glad you have good news about Jes. That makes me happy. She is going to make it!! Her and her boyfriend are both lucky to have you and you them. God is working eh!! I am hoping God will help me through when my meds run out before I can get new coverage in August. I am going to try the fish oil pills for sure. I just need to know what kind you recommend.
I hope everyone else is doing good and working daily to make healthy choices for themselves. That is really all we can do, make good choices and better things will happen and come our way. It took me along, long time but I am finally starting to see it happen in my life. It is so worth it!! I want you to all have it too!! Take care all, love ya, kimxxx
Mrs. B
Great to hear such good news.
I also have some good news actually. My psycologist has really made me think about things, especially my relationship with my closest friends at school. Me and my best friend have needed a talk for a long time now…Her standards for me are way too high, and she expects too much…It’s really hard for me to say that, because I have never said anything against her, and she’s my best friend ever! But now tomorrow, I’ll be setting some standards. I’m a little scared for their reaction, but this time I just have to say it like it is.
The largest realization I have made so far, is that I feel no matter what I do, no matter what choice I make, it’s never good enough…I just want my friends to be happy with me, and see that I’m doing my best to uphold everything
And because of all the other difficult things around me, I have lost myself!
Well anyway, hope you are all well!
Hugs Alex
Alex,
Good luck with that conversation! People can have very high expectations for oneanother….even when they are not really willing to give that much themselves. Human Nature, as they say.
I am reading the book of John right now. I’ve always told you that the Bible always brings something new to my attention. I was reading in the book of John, Chapter 4 where Jesus, who is a Jew, comes across a Samaritan woman at a well…the woman, as a Samaritan, is not supposed to talk to Jews….Jews were “better” than Samaritans in the perception of the culture. But Jesus stood and spoke with her for a long time. The woman was unmarried and living with a man, and had been divorced 5 times. Jesus still gave her his full attention and told her about God and his love for her. Jesus always took the time and shared his good message with everyone…regardless of their “place” in life and regardless of their sin.
So Alex, there you go. You are good enough. Just as you. Jesus says that you are good enough. You are. Just as you are. If your friend doesn’t accept you as you are, they are the ones who need an attitude readjustment – but be patient with them. Because they are human too. Love them. Just as you need love, so do they.
For all of us…be patient with one another. Be patient with parents who don’t understand. Be patient with yourselves. You were all created perfectly. If you keep seeking Truth, you will keep moving forward. Bad stuff will keep coming, but you will get through it fine if you will keep seeking, keep patient and keep loving.
Good thing for the day…..beautiful sunshine, a happy daughter and husband. God is good, eh?
Funny for the day…my son is a high school freshman (he’s grade accelerated so he is very young for his grade – but he’s so cute.)
At homecoming time last year he wanted to go so badly. I bought him all the requisite dress duds and he looked so handsome. When his dad took him to the dance, he got to the door and discovered that he had bought the wrong ticket. The ticket he bought was to the game – not the dance. He had gotten into the wrong line at school. His dad argued for him at the door, but with no luck. He came home all sad.
Come to find out….I learned last night….it happened to have been his first real date. And he stood her up. He hasn’t had the nerve to speak to the girl since. He is still heartbroken about it and still likes the girl. She doesn’t even know what happened.
So, the girl thinks he stood her up. I told him he needs to tell her what happened. Things are just not always as they seem!!
Love to everyone. Enjoy your days.
There is a lot of good in the world. Seek it.
Mrs.B.
My positive for the day, the sun is shining and its supposed to be a nice weekend. I don’t have to work tomorrow (yeah). I’ve been trying to make sure I drink plenty of water and I found this flavored kind that I love, Dansani raspberry flavored. I usually don’t like flavored water, but it tastes great.
So I guess I have a few positives for the day.
Mrs. B, your son really should tell the girl what happened. All this time she thought he stood her up. It must have been a horrible situation for them both.
Alex, It is good to set boundries with the people we love. I hope it goes well and your friend understands.
Sarah,what’s up chica? Up for another cereal date?
Nats, I’m sorry you are angry with me. Honesty, right? I love you.
I hope everyone is having a good day.
I’m totally rocking my new hair! But I think I prefer the blonde! Hummmm walhat colour to go next?! Suggestions anyone?
Glad to see you posting again alex! Havemissed you!
Sarah my sister) for life always you know that I love you!
Struggling like hell at moment but I’m trying to get through it so I might not be around so much just need to sort myself out and figure out my next move!
Be strong everyone! I’m trying to be too!
I love you all
Ts
Hey everyone.
I am feeling really dizzy and like i am going to be sick. I don’t know why because i ate a bowl of cereal yesterday. So I should be alright, hmm well i will lie down in a bit so i dont pass out. and today is just not a good day and is going to be worse soon. bleghh.
MissA- the sun is shining here too =] hehe well duh cuz u are only like a hour away. how was your day, good i hope? <3
Nats- babe i am sorry you are havin a hard time right now. please know that i love you so much and i am here for you always. you are my sis and i want you to be alright. so please take care of yourself hun.
Mrs.B.- thank you again- a thousand times!! i read about your son and went AWWWWWWWW. i hope everything goes alright with him and telling that girl. you always have such positive messages to share with us, thank you. I am glad you are having a good day =]
Alex- my friend. whats up?! i am glad you are getting all of this sorted out. i hope this relieves some of that stress and pressure you were under. good luck hun. i also have to have a tough convo with a friend today. school is almost over hooray!!
Aisling- sorry babe, did not do it last might. but look now, is this long enough? =P how is our evil plan holding up lol. love you babe, have a fabulous day! =]
Kim- hun it makes me so happy to see how well you are doing. keep on it hun you are doing great. =]
Lisa- how you doing today hun? i have mood swings too. perhaps its cuz im a 15 yr old girl =P lol. but i do know what you mean. but i do think you should talk to your docs. hope you are doing well. take care xxxx
Steph- how are you doing?? and how is sheri? hope all is well with you
Michelle, Shelly, Laura, everyone- how are you all doing??
<3 sarah
Hey everyone
I am ok I suppose a little nervous about tomorrow the hospital called said they want me to go for a check up. Apparently a member from the school called and said they were concerned about my “unexplained injuries”, my absences from school and about my weight loss. Grr it’s so annoying why cant people just mind their own business. I am doing just fine and don’t need anyone to look out for me I have survived this long by myself and when I did need help there was nobody to help and now when I can mange they decide to try and help its so frustrating. But I have to go as I’m not yet classed as an adult I’m only 17 and in Ireland you’re an adult at 18 so they can get a court order and I would have to go anyway so I guess I’ll go up tomorrow and see what happens. But it means I’ll have to ask one of my friends to take the day off school to mind my sister’s kids which just messes up a lot of things. Urgh people should really stop trying to interfere I can cope and I can’t risk being put into hosp again. The summer hols are coming up and if I’m not there who’s going to mind the little ones? argh I’m so mad
Sorry for the big long rant i hate being angry and I tend to worry so I’m sorry for taking up uber amounts of space.
But i will try and stay positive it’s the least I can do to put on a brave face after all I have to set an example. I love them all to bits and couldn’t bear to be apart from them for too long so hopefully it really is just a check up!
Sarah our evil plan doesn’t seem to be working maybe a bit of fine tuning is needed lol =P Maybe have a strawberry or two!!
lol We were just talking bout them last night =P
MrsB I read the post about your son and had the same reaction as Sarah lol but I guess the poor girl must be feeling dreadful. He should really explain what happened and maybe he still might be in with a chance
Positive for the day : I think I did fine on my Chemistry final well half of the final we have the rest next week. Well I have all of my finals next week uh oh lol!
Love you all
Ais xxx
“I’d rather be hated for who i am, than be loved for someone i am not”
Aisling, it’s okay you can leave a long rant anytime you need to.:)
Sarah, sorry your not feeling well.
I hope you feel better soon.
I have another positive for the day, though some may not think it is positive
, I made another appointment with my doctor. 
I go next thursday to tackle the next issue. 
Hope everyone has a good night.
Hey Guys-
News from the land of 24hr days, 24hr nights and SNOW!
Sheri has made it to the inpatient waiting list @ the local EDRC (Eating Disorder Recovery Center) and… well… I started outpatient therapy there today.
I guess I have to say it- I too, have an eating disorder. I didn’t want to admit it for a LOOOOOONG time, but now I’m getting help. I saw Sheri in the hospital, and she looked so sick, and tired and sad. I’m her identical twin- and I KNEW that if I kept on going like this, denying a problem, I would look exactly like that, and I didn’t want to. There’s nothing attractive about weighing less than God intended you too… I’m sorry, but on a 5 foot 6 inch frame? 90lbs doesn’t cut it. It’s horrible.
Don’t buy the lie, girls. Get help.
Love, Stephanie
Steph,
I’m proud of you for acknowledging the truth about your health and wellbeing.
That acknowledgment is the first step toward the road back. That road can be twisty and long, It can have diversions and detours, but unless you start putting one foot in front of the other and walking forward, standing where you are will lead to death.
Your life is worth more than that.
Please give Sheri our best wishes and hugs.
You are both in all of our hearts.
Mrs. B.
Mrs. B,
Thank you. Sheri says she misses you and your encouragement.
We both love you very much.
-Steph
Morning all,
I was just giggling to myself, I was scrolling down the page to get to the bottom as you do and all I saw was all these little yellow dots! All the smilies just flashing past for some reason it made me laugh! I think im weird! haha
Sheri babe, be strong, you are an amazing person and I miss you so much. I hope your ok and know that I love you.
Steph – You have done a big thing just by admitting you have an ED, thats one of the biggest things that needs to be done when you have an ED. I am proud of you for what you have done, and I am glad that you are seeing that you do not wish to live your life that, thats great too! You have all of our support always and we all love you and sheri!
Sarah, I dont really know what to say babe, except Bananas and trousers! I think that will put a little grin on your face lol
Aisling – Thank you for your kind words towards me, I think you are an amazing strong person who has the weight of the world on her shoulders, you are amazing babe and I know that you are going to come out the other end of this and make a huge difference to the world. I hope all went well at the hospital!
Mrs B, Miss A, Laura, Shelly, all of you, I hope you are all ok and doing alright. I miss you all!
TS
xxxx
lol i’d say most of thoose smileys were from either me or my crime buddy lol
well my internet is finally working =P it wouldnt work last night very well :S anywho yeah hospital went well but it also didnt if that makes sense =P Em they didnt keep me in tg cause i duno who would of minded the little ones. But they want me to come back in a month cause they’re worried about my low weight and if my ed is coming back. I told them it was due to stress and they believed me doctors are so easy to fool and I duno i did all the usual tricks to bring my weight up when they weighed me but even the number shocked me it wasnt that low but i didnt realise i had lost so much i have been way lower before but i guess i thought i was doing it a healthy way ok welli dont know what i thought and now i’m making no sense what so ever lol
so i’ll just stop 
Em i have all my exams next week all my end of year ones so hopefully i’ll do well but i doubt it 
ah well what can ya do 
Steph well done girl the first step to recovery is admitting you have an ed. You can fight this i know you can
Nats hun
they are not kind words they are merely the truth 
MissA i hope the doctors goes well for you and you get all the time to tell her whats bothering. You are an amazing mother and your boys are lucky to have you
Everybody else i hope you are all doing supoib
Another long message lol i really should stop waffling.
Ais xxx
“Don’t try to blend in when you’re born to stand out”
Nats, you know I love you and will be here for you. I’m proud of you for deciding to get help.
Sarah, How are you today? I hope the party went okay last night.
Aisling, Glad it went okay at the doctors. You amaze me with your strength. Good luck on your exams next week. I don’t know if I will get time to go over everything with my doctor, but I have accepted that it may take a while. This is what happens when you avoid going to the doctor for so long.
Steph, good for you for admitting you also suffer from and ED. That’s the first step to getting better. I hope Sheri is doing okay. Please tell her that we miss her.
Mrs. B, hope your having a good weekend. I’ve decided to take my fish oil at night. That way if I burp or hiccup I don’t taste the fish. Man those pills are huge though. I got the kind where you only have to take one a day. I never thought about how huge they would be. I don’t have a problem swallowing pills, so its really not a big deal, but I think those are the biggest pills I’ve ever taken.
I hope everyone else is having a good weekend. I went out to dinner last night with a friend. She had said she wanted Mexican, so I was stressing all day yesterday about it. Instead we went to an all-you-can-eat buffet, so I was able to make healthy selections. They had lots of fruits, veggies, and grilled chicken so it was okay. Today I have a headache, but I have taken some medicine so hopefully it will get better soon. Have a good day everyone.